Ask Dana Perino

Q: When President Bush says, "This government does not torture," isn't that true only because he got Alberto Gonzales to write a secret memo redefining the meaning of torture?

A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.

Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.

A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.

Q: But there's no such thing as a -

A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.

Q: The President says he vetoed SCHIP because it's big-spending socialized medicine. Does that mean the Republicans who voted for it are big-spending socialists?

A: Answering that would only help the terrorists.

Q: What does terrorism have to do with health care?

A: 9/11 changed everything.

Q: Dana, does President Bush agree with Rush Limbaugh that troops who don't support his Iraq policy are phony soldiers?

A: Everyone in America is entitled to our opinion.

Q: Does the President believe he needs to ask Congress for authorization if he wants to use military force against Iran?

A: As the President has said repeatedly, all options are on the table.

Q: But does he think that the Kyl-Lieberman amendment gives him that authority?

A: We appreciate the broad bipartisan support our policy enjoys.

Q: But in a New Yorker article, Seymour Hersh says sources tell him that the Administration is already planning a military strike on Iran.

A: Every few months, Sy Hersh provides us with an excellent argument against a Federal shield law for journalists.

Q: Dana, Minnesota National Guardsmen returning from Iraq have charged that the Pentagon deliberately ordered more than a thousand of them home one day short of the 730 days needed to qualify for full educational benefits under the GI Bill.

A: The President often reminds his staff that college is overrated.

Q: What's the Administration's stance on Senator Craig's refusal to resign?

A: That's for the Senate to decide.

Q: Not even a smile, Dana?

A: Any other questions?

Q: Republican Presidential candidates are avoiding mentioning President Bush on the stump. Isn't that a repudiation of his policies?

A: I don't remember Al Gore campaigning on President Clinton's record.

Q: So you think Bill Clinton will be a liability for Senator Clinton?

A: He did raise taxes.

Q: But he left you a surplus.

A: And a recession. And 9/11.

Q: 9/11 was Clinton's fault?

A: Please don't put words in my mouth.

Q: The Washington Post quotes a former senior official as saying that "nearly everyone who has left the administration is angry." Is that a fair assessment?

A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?

Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?

A: I'm glad you asked.

Follow Marty Kaplan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/martykaplan

Comments

[joebaggadonuts]

Excellent work, Marty!!!!

[author1]

Marty,

You must feel a little like Alice in Wonderland dealing with the Queen of Hearts Dana Perino ).

[VOTER]

The press has learned to NOT ASK DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. ANSWERS WILL NEVER BE GIVEN.

Suggestion for the upcoming Absurd Press Conference.

During the next White House Press Conference, all

reporters should agree to stay on topic and ask

questions Dana will answer.

Has Jenna's wedding date been scheduled?

Where will she be married?

Will the bride wear a white gown?

How is Barney?

What did the President and Mrs. Bush have for dinner last night?

What about today's breakfast?

Do they both exercise daily?

Any plans on where they will live after impeachment?
(oops, sorry, delete this one.)

And if all fails, the reporters should agree to get up
and walk out after more of the same, no answer session.

[2224612]

Now, that is a funny post. {8^>}

[Bocababs]

Funny stuff, Marty...

That was hilarious. Nice Monday reading and nice to LOL at lunch today.

[TakeNoNeoConPrisoners]

One of these days, Americans will come to the realization that there was a coupe in this country and the corporate fascists won and took over our gov't. Naturally, a minister of propaganda was required and that role fell to the WH Press Sectrary w/o a name change. Now it wasn't exactly a bloodless coupe b/c wars were necessary and blood was shed to get the US citizenry to go along peacefully thru lies, fear mongering, religiousity, intimidation and impudentation of the opposition. It began with the Ronnie Raygun revolution and continued thru to the current Bu$hit oddministration - during which time it has reached nearly final fruition. One more repig oddministration and the job will be completed.

Vote repig and lose all of your freedoms.

[starboymikey]

LMAO. Marty, if you ever decide you want to make some real dough, become a speech writer for the president. You've got it down, plus you're much funnier than the present crop.

[ProgressivePartisan]

Much, MUCH MORE funnier!!!!!!!!

[Driver125]

Interesting history for the Bush administration concerning press secretarie­s.....
Ari Fleischer- a real pioneer in the field. Tried to be the first press secretary who absolutely refused to answer any questions whatsoever. It took awhile, but the White House finally figured out that the whole purpose of a press conference was to release SOME sort of information, even if it was all lies. So in the end Ari didn't work out. Enter little Scotty McClellan.
The press secretary you could not shut up. He would give you volumes in answer to a question..­.. trouble being of course that it usually wasn't in answer to the question you asked. Most of the time it was in answer to the questions that he wished you would have asked. In the end it turned a press conference into a kind of a torture situation in an attempt to get any usable information at all out of him so Scott had to go. Enter the great Snow Job.
Home Run. The Best. Who's better at wasting your time while imparting little or no information than American TV? Nobody! So they reached into the manure pile at Fox and pulled out this smoothie. And it turned out so much better than expected. At times the man could be almost warm and entertaining, nearly human-like­..... like...... a game show host! But then, as is King George's wont (seemingly being born under a bad sign), along came the cancer. But then again, on the plus side, at least he's an American with health insurance. And now, in what is probably the final chapter, it's little Dana.....
Seems to combine many of the traits of all her forbearers with yet with a new angle--she's a woman!

[Grizelda]

Great analysis, Driver 125. Kaplan is very witty and a master of irony. I was wondering when the White House would trot out one of their bottle blonde, humorless, empty-headed Stepford Wives to be the Chief Obfuscator. Guess Mann Coulter wasn't available.­..

[INQUIRER]

Forebears. Bearers are for safaris.

[bluewombat]

Kaplan is a brilliant satirist. This is good stuff.

[norrton]

Thanks for the chuckle. Even took the time to read it to Pat, who also chuckled. The Democrats need to focus on the reality of international law if they want to actually do something for America. It's inevitable. The sooner it happens, the sooner we begin to see real diplomacy and the withdrawal from the West Bank. The West Bank belongs to the Palestinians. Israel's days of pretending to know God are over. They lied.

gnofleas, standing in for norrton @ http://eyeofpeace.org/
Bilbo’s Sting and http://singularitylove.org/
Star’s End

[ollddskool]

Great read, Mr Kaplan....

[Binx101]

The truly sad observation is how the public (via the press corps) has accepted the radical change in form and timbre of the White House PR. The last professional journalist, capable of managing a believable balance of fact and fiction was David Gergen. During his tenure (serving four presidents) there had been a continuous transformation of White House communications and dialog, while not always uplifting, was respectful.

Scott McClellan generally inspired a lack of credibility in observations from the press corps. He routinely was re-stating or edifying previous statements and this routine of corrections and amplifications became the normal opening to every new session. While he was eager to please the President, it was no doubt why so many press briefings ended with McClellan soaked in perspiration.

When snow came on board there were some that thought he might be returning to his demeanor as a former NPR commentator. No such luck - he brought the bravura of Fox News to the White House in this inside deal, no doubt concocted by Cheney and Ailles.

Enter Dana Perino - full of fire, full of conviction, full of energy and most decidedly ... full of crap. A graduate of the Snow's school of incredulous facial expressions and vocal inflections - she has continued the plunge of the WH Communications office to the depths of an acne riddled high school styled rejection of fact - in defense of a hormone emboldened facsimile of logic.

This is pure propaganda. These carefully calculated bursts of ostensible frustration from the podium serve as an active ingredient of the message. This is "Yellow Journalism Redux" by causing it to begin at the source instead of second hand.

[Libsrule]

I wonder if the press will ever, either, just laugh in her face or start calling her on her bullshit. She is even more full of shit than the last few press secretaries.

She is the typical Neo Clown who feels having to answer any questions from anyone other than the Fox Noise Whorehouse is contemptable and beneath true patriots such as herself who realize that one MUST lie to the masses in order to keep them happy.

Otherwise they might start getting all uppity and thinking the president is actually answerable to the people.

[Binx101]

This seems like a conundrum, but I fear it is the actual administration architects that have transformed the WH Communications office into the WH Office of Propaganda. In History it has been almost forgivable that world governments stepped on 'rights' and 'freedoms' by delaying the process or withholding information for National Security. World War II inspired some incredible examples of this for the purposes of counter-espionage etc...

In this case though, the distortion of facts, skewing of actual historical references and outright lying have been preemptor to plans as a marketing tool, including the invasion of Iraq.

The traditional media has been grumbling as so many tired commuters on the subway platform listening to the announcement that the train is delayed. There are only a handful, considered renegade and on renegade networks or alternative news sources that actually speak up. - Mission Accomplished.

[BoulderSue]

Has anyone thought to check for strings on these marionettes? I think Tony was just very well trained, but somebody ought to go up and wave a hand over Dana's head, or even check for a hole in her back in case she's really a very sophisticated puppet.

[footsore]

Aw com'om Marty. That entire exchange reads as if were something out of a Berkly Brethed cartoon. The only thing missing was a silly penguin wearing a "I luv Dana" tie and a combat helmet.
footsore

[transendentilist]

The article was satire. And pretty good satire at that. Because this shows how they think. Bush once said that....."­my job would be alot easier if this were a dictatorsh­ip."

[rocketoo]

I think that was the idea.

[LoriAnn]

AAhhh love it...sad thing is that this is about the way the press circus works these days!! Make sure all the dogs and ponies are well groomed so they can be trotted out to spew their lines and then back to the stall. Although I havent seen Condi Rice prancing around lately... for someone who should be running herself ragged trying to tamp out fires all over this world she seems to be Awol.....m­aybe George showed her the advantages of not showing up for the real show! Ineffectiveness is next to GeorgeGodliness!

[SouthpawSass]

roflmao...

Mr. Kaplan, quite an accurate depiction of any number of Ms. Perino’s press briefings. I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you.

[NYC07]

The really sad part of this is that Millions of Americans think that everything that come out of the White House is Gospel truth and are either so stupid or just don't give a damn to care to see that this administration has done. It has turned a great country that everyone looked to as a becon of hope and fairness to the laughing stock of the world and we're now looked on as nothing more than a petty corrupt dictatorship.

[Taan]

The content of today's press conferences should surprise no one. Everything originating from the Oval Office has turned to shit. Ergo, the press persons are simply transmitting it to the public. It is a given that the press officers must toe the Bush line hook and sinker or polish their resumes and find a new job. Don't blame the stooges for toeing the line. That's their job. Have they sold their souls to the devil in the process? Sure, but somebody's got to stand up and deliver the compost coming out of the White House. What would happen if the entire press corps simply sat silently during the entire Q&A?

[neetsie37]

The exact point I made yesterday. The Press Corps should either not show up and let her stand there looking like the fool she is, or if they must show up, tell her they have no questions since she has no answers.