Ask Dana Perino

Q: When President Bush says, "This government does not torture," isn't that true only because he got Alberto Gonzales to write a secret memo redefining the meaning of torture?

A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.

Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.

A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.

Q: But there's no such thing as a -

A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.

Q: The President says he vetoed SCHIP because it's big-spending socialized medicine. Does that mean the Republicans who voted for it are big-spending socialists?

A: Answering that would only help the terrorists.

Q: What does terrorism have to do with health care?

A: 9/11 changed everything.

Q: Dana, does President Bush agree with Rush Limbaugh that troops who don't support his Iraq policy are phony soldiers?

A: Everyone in America is entitled to our opinion.

Q: Does the President believe he needs to ask Congress for authorization if he wants to use military force against Iran?

A: As the President has said repeatedly, all options are on the table.

Q: But does he think that the Kyl-Lieberman amendment gives him that authority?

A: We appreciate the broad bipartisan support our policy enjoys.

Q: But in a New Yorker article, Seymour Hersh says sources tell him that the Administration is already planning a military strike on Iran.

A: Every few months, Sy Hersh provides us with an excellent argument against a Federal shield law for journalists.

Q: Dana, Minnesota National Guardsmen returning from Iraq have charged that the Pentagon deliberately ordered more than a thousand of them home one day short of the 730 days needed to qualify for full educational benefits under the GI Bill.

A: The President often reminds his staff that college is overrated.

Q: What's the Administration's stance on Senator Craig's refusal to resign?

A: That's for the Senate to decide.

Q: Not even a smile, Dana?

A: Any other questions?

Q: Republican Presidential candidates are avoiding mentioning President Bush on the stump. Isn't that a repudiation of his policies?

A: I don't remember Al Gore campaigning on President Clinton's record.

Q: So you think Bill Clinton will be a liability for Senator Clinton?

A: He did raise taxes.

Q: But he left you a surplus.

A: And a recession. And 9/11.

Q: 9/11 was Clinton's fault?

A: Please don't put words in my mouth.

Q: The Washington Post quotes a former senior official as saying that "nearly everyone who has left the administration is angry." Is that a fair assessment?

A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?

Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?

A: I'm glad you asked.

Follow Marty Kaplan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/martykaplan

Comments

[micdago]

I TRY to think of ways to express my utter disgust with the current administration ... and then I read Marty and it's as if he lines all the scattered words in my head into a nice, logical pattern!

Thanks!

[Herm]

Thanks, Marty. Keep it up. Don't let the bastards grind you down. They won't last much longer and sanity, hopefully will return.
And, thank you to whom/whatever you/I pray to/for, it appears only a handful of 'the dark side' realize what will happen to them as they attempt to 'set the record straight' in the future. Go YouTube et. al. - and don't erase any videos/remarks made by 'the dark side' until they all have been buried by visual/auditory proof of their perfidies (may not be a word, but you get my drift).

[DasBoot]

Oh Dana, you beautiful liar...

[nancytheragingliberal]

DasBoot, "Beautiful liar?" Liar, yes...Beau­tiful...no­. She is a sniveling, incompetent, fast -talking Gargoyle and that smile never reaches her nasty eyes. She is a despicable (person?) of the worst kind. I hope she has nighmares for the rest of her miserable life. Liar...Shill...That is the only language she speaks. Her rapid speech is indicative of a person who hopes we will not notice how dumb she is. NOT. We see it, we hear it, we smell it, and she is the world's worst fool, next to the rest of the incompetents. Why are we paying these people? Tell me again.

[DasBoot]

Nancy, you are raging...

I agree with all you said about what Ms. Perino is doing. But there are some things in life left to taste. And as they say, you can't argue about taste.

[transendentilist]

A requirement for being in the bush administration is the total lack of the ability to recognize shame. I read somewhere that bush is clinically incapable of remorse, and unable to admit his wrongs.

Alexathymia perhaps?

[INQUIRER]

This is actually the one thing I like about Dana. She makes it so obvious that she's lying. You don't have to recognize the individual lies to know she's lying. Plus she has that priceless, brusque, snotty resentment that anyone would dare not to be a Bushbot conservative which reminds so many of us of the martinets in authority we hated in childhood. On balance, you have to be determined to believe her before you can do it, and even then it takes work. Tony Snow covered his lies with a veneer of phony friendliness. But under Dana's determination, we can see that she's seething at the unbelievable gall of those who are questioning her.

[mouselion]

Fox News -- the School of the Americas for press spokesmen.

[janmB]

This administration has been both conservative and liberal.
Liberal when it comes to spending money on themselves--and wars and giving billions to countries like Israel and Egypt --but will nickel and dime when it refers to benefits to USA seniors--c­hildren--a­nd working folks in order to appear they are concerned about the budget.

[maddog2112]

You have stepped into the trap. There is nothing "Liberal" about spending money. That is not a liberal trate, it is a punchline from a bumch of lying clowns on TV. Just like "Conservatives like smaller govenrment" That is simply not true. THey like to say that, but they do not support it in any way shape or form. Them media is lableing and reshaping our reality. Beleive your own eyes and ears!

[lemurfemur]

It would be funnier if it wasn't all true.

[franknstein]

The ability to not tell the truth and make up as they go along has gotten so easy now for an administration that finds the truth distribing that the next press secretary will be Dennis Miller.Can anyone in the Bush clan go back any further then Clinton inorder to blame something on? How about Carter?

[nancytheragingliberal]

Yes, let's continue to blame Bill Clinton for all of our massive Fubar's, yeah, that's the ticket. Clinton is the one who fu----up the country in the last seven years. Why, we had nothing to do with it at all. Of courssssssse! We were handed a huge surplus in 2000, which we immediately turned into a huge deficit. It's the rupub. way, didn't you know? You silly American people. You must keep believing what we say, that it was all Bill's fault.

[joja]

Marty --

Fuckin' brilliant!

This could be a WH press propaganda exercise on any day!

[DickTater]

Right!

[itmaybetoolate]

Are you sure you are making this up? It sounds real to me.

[CyrusBeaucephus]

Its legal because Bush said "simon says torture"-damn those technicalities!

[TheKiddy]

hilarious and on point - thanks!

[Robster]

I heard Bill Clinton talking about touture the other day on TV, and the what he said and the way he said it made it pretty clear to me that he's for it so long as those who do it are held accountable if caught. Torture happens in war, the French did it in Algeria, go yell at them.

[brantl]

Rob, this is your brain on neo-con propoganda (image of dead fish); this is your brain on reality (image of healthy, swimming fish), any questions?

[Canukistani]

This is number 2 in the the standard Republican playbook to answer thse kinds of questions. Somebody else did it first, so it must be ok.

[Mikek13]

Aunt Shecky.... funny you should mention the Board of Directors of Walmart.

[5150]

Has David Horowitz been introduced to Armstrong Williams? I do think they'd get along famously.

[MinerSam]

Excellent example of the Psychological Abuse perpetrated daily upon the electorate, by the American Fascist Republican Party their dum dawg Juvenile Delinquent front, and their appeasers the talking head.

Accoding to them... Wink, wink, we had the "Clinton" Recession*, corporate scandels** and 9/11 changed everything***.

And Compayssionate Conservativism is like lubrication during a rape and laughing gas during a robery.

* Bush recession: In December of 2000, the Supreme Court appointed Mr. Bush, and and IT managers were now making up their 2001 equipment budgets, while Greenspan had signaled he'd begin to lower rates. He had been raising rates, for 19 quarter, to try TO SLOW DOWN THE Clinton ECONOMY, and the market had not liked it. But but now they were poised for a turn-around.

So just in the nick of time Mr. Bush went to the hallway outside the federal reserve meeting
to try to catch Greensapn for a photo op, and to make it look as if he was responsible for the new lower!

Sensing this the (proud to be independant) Fed did nothing.

So Bush ran to the mike and immediately announced: "we are in a recession." An area all presidents intentiinally avoided commenting about.

So next thing that happened was that CEO took budgets out of the hands of IT managers, and refused to sign any requstions. And in January 2001 Cisco announced that "Orders just fell off the cliff." This continued the Nasgaq decline (began at 5000 and ended ended in 800.

**Corporate scandels: Enron was Mr. Bush's largest contributor. His campaign plane belonged to Enron.

***Not only did Americans endure 9/11 but the
the attack of the enemy from within. When Republicans used our fears to empower themselves, loot our treasury, divde us just when we needed to strong and united: Catholic against Catholic, Veteran against Veteran, State against State, the younger against the older with Social Security, African American against Gays.

They have excellerated the worldwide arms race and managed to reinvent Reagan to boot.

[herronsmith]

Marty:

I was feeling a bit under the weather this morning until I read your post. A good belly laugh sure helps! Thanks