Ask Dana Perino

Q: When President Bush says, "This government does not torture," isn't that true only because he got Alberto Gonzales to write a secret memo redefining the meaning of torture?

A: Yes. The Constitution grants the power to redefine words to the unitary executive.

Q: You're making that up. That's not in the Constitution.

A: Yes, it is. It's in a secret Article.

Q: But there's no such thing as a -

A: I see you're not wearing your flag lapel pin.

Q: The President says he vetoed SCHIP because it's big-spending socialized medicine. Does that mean the Republicans who voted for it are big-spending socialists?

A: Answering that would only help the terrorists.

Q: What does terrorism have to do with health care?

A: 9/11 changed everything.

Q: Dana, does President Bush agree with Rush Limbaugh that troops who don't support his Iraq policy are phony soldiers?

A: Everyone in America is entitled to our opinion.

Q: Does the President believe he needs to ask Congress for authorization if he wants to use military force against Iran?

A: As the President has said repeatedly, all options are on the table.

Q: But does he think that the Kyl-Lieberman amendment gives him that authority?

A: We appreciate the broad bipartisan support our policy enjoys.

Q: But in a New Yorker article, Seymour Hersh says sources tell him that the Administration is already planning a military strike on Iran.

A: Every few months, Sy Hersh provides us with an excellent argument against a Federal shield law for journalists.

Q: Dana, Minnesota National Guardsmen returning from Iraq have charged that the Pentagon deliberately ordered more than a thousand of them home one day short of the 730 days needed to qualify for full educational benefits under the GI Bill.

A: The President often reminds his staff that college is overrated.

Q: What's the Administration's stance on Senator Craig's refusal to resign?

A: That's for the Senate to decide.

Q: Not even a smile, Dana?

A: Any other questions?

Q: Republican Presidential candidates are avoiding mentioning President Bush on the stump. Isn't that a repudiation of his policies?

A: I don't remember Al Gore campaigning on President Clinton's record.

Q: So you think Bill Clinton will be a liability for Senator Clinton?

A: He did raise taxes.

Q: But he left you a surplus.

A: And a recession. And 9/11.

Q: 9/11 was Clinton's fault?

A: Please don't put words in my mouth.

Q: The Washington Post quotes a former senior official as saying that "nearly everyone who has left the administration is angry." Is that a fair assessment?

A: If you weren't so busy being Hezbollah's sock-puppet, Helen, you might see how ridiculous that charge is on the face of it. Lester?

Q: Dana, isn't the Democrats' attempt to tie the President's hands in Iraq a blatant interference with the powers of the Commander-in-Chief, not to mention a reminder of Senator Obama's inexperience, Senator Edwards' haircut, MoveOn.org's treason, and Chappaquiddick?

A: I'm glad you asked.

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Comments

[Dap]

Dear Professor Kaplan,

LMAO, thanks for the Sunday morning humor, it has made my day. Agape.

[enuffisenuff]

I do believe Dubya has found his true soul-mate!!
What a pair to draw to, and both truly an embarassment of colossal proportions.

[Caddisfly]

Whither has the real world Gone? Down the rabbit hole with Alice. (aka Dana Perino)