Bush to EPA: "Hi. Thanks for Writing. Between Now and January 20, I Won't Have Access to Email."

The Bush White House has come up with an ingenious new way to take care not to faithfully execute the laws of the land. In what it will no doubt bill as part of its relentless strict-constructionist pursuit of the original intent of the Framers, the White House has refused to open an email from its own EPA. The email, responding to a 2007 Supreme Court order requiring the government to determine whether greenhouse gases endangered people and the environment, hasn't been deleted; it's just ended up, as the New York Times story revealing its status explained, "in limbo." Enqueued, undeliverable, unreceived: surely everyone knows that the Constitution gives a war-time President the right to vacation-bounce?

Signing statements, stonewalling, and secret memos expanding Executive powers turn out to not comprise an adequate arsenal for dealing with unwanted communications in the age of the internets. Expect to see further innovations, such as these:

"And now, I'm never gonna let her go/Cause Mandy always knows": Dana Perino will take questions from the press wearing iPod buds in her ears and singing along with her favorite Jonas Brothers lyrics. Some may see this as a descendant of Scott McClellan's robotic unresponsiveness, but aficionados will recognize it as a digital-era update of Ronald Reagan's cupped-hand next to his ear and whaddayagonnado? shrug at Marine One's noisy rotor blades, which in turn descends from the thumbs-in-ears, waggling-fingers, "Nya, nya, nya, I can't hear you" technique which Pat Buchanan devised for Richard Nixon.

"Return to Sender, Address Unknown": For situations involving non-digital communications, this Executive Privilege stamp will be applied to FOIA requests for documents and to all congressional oversight witness subpoenas, as well as to contempt citations, which will be additionally stamped, "I'm rubber, you're glue."

"POS GTG": The default reply setting to incoming text-messages on mobile devices supplied to White House employees by the Republican National Committee. Senior staff message initiators will know that they can evade the filter by then texting "GFY," also known as a "Cheney."

The Helen-Thomas-to-Mike-Allen: This device, which seizes the soundwaves of undesired incoming press questions and transforms them into moronic lapdog blather, has long been rumored to be under development by the National Security Agency. Also known as the Cavuto Converter.

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Comments

[mantysDOTus]

King George seems like a village idiot to us all now but he is, actually, an utter genius at being an anti-social psychotic ego-maniac and still fitting into society like a real person. He does this by surrounding himself with talented loyal corruptible personalities: Lawyers, Politicians, PR/Media Specialists. Seasoned veterans and college grads gone mad with the New Millennium Neo-Con agenda. They are willing to perform the most conniving, unscrupulous, disrespectful and ILLEGAL acts imaginable to achieve the goals of their agenda. Refusing to read emails is one of 10,000 offenses. America! We have a lot of clean-up to do. We have to get started! The most imperative duty of Democrats, Independents and America loving Republicans at this moment in our common history is OBSTRUCTION. Obstruct this president at every turn while following a plan to arrest the Executive Branch and bring it back under the control of the Courts, and the Constitution making it accountable, once again, to the Judicial and Legislative branches of government and to the PEOPLE.

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[lisakaz2]

I am so disgusted with this WH that I cannot understand how anyone gives them the time of day, let alone any legislative votes. Their propaganda really is mind bending. I've heard my mother complain about the poor companies with regulations, as if they're soooo unjustly encumbered that they can hardly operate. This is SO offensive to me. Her father got stomach cancer and died when she was 6 and I think the asbestos factory he worked in (where ppl ingested the stuff because it flew all around -- very pre regulations) had far more to do with it than smoking. Heck, ppl who lived by the plant used to be able to skim the stuff off their backyard pools. Happy day to go back, huh?

[darthmaul]

You know, I think even the most hardened Republicans in the Senate are disgusted with Bush. Certainly the one's that had integrity like Arlen Specter are. I think the others back him, in a tepid way more out of the old habit of "closing ranks." Anybody can see how corrupt and out of touch the administration is. The latest scandal at the Justice Department is a good example. And now the not opening the email tactic. It's just about the most childish and ridiculous thing I've heard of.

[RobBob]

The White House's "strategy" here is so infantile and silly it's really hard to believe it's not a joke. Oh wait, that's right: the entire Bush presidency has been a joke.

[stonesoup]

Always the "Wild Card" In The Bunch "The Joker" He is a total embarrassment to the entire country. The Joke is on US!

[woodchips]

If it were a joke, it would be funny. His tenure has been destructive and caused great frustration and despair everywhere. The only ones laughing are the Neo-cons and the clueless.

[woodchips]

If it were a joke, it would be funny. His tenure has been destructive and caused frustration and despair everywhere. The only ones laughing are the Neo-cons and the clueless.