The Pet Constitution
"I'm writing a children's book about the Constitution."
-- Lynne Cheney to Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, October 10, 2007
As you may know, boys and girls, the beginning of the Constitution is called the Preamble. "Preamble" is a fancy word that means "apology." Our Founders were wise men who understood that government is bad, and since the Constitution establishes a government, they wanted to be sure to begin by saying how sorry they were for doing it.
The text of the Constitution itself is divided into seven Articles. "Article" means just what it does in modern English: it's a story, like you'd find in a newspaper or on television. And just as with any media story, except for Fox News, the key is not to take the Articles on face value, but instead to look for hidden biases and correct for them. It's also important to look in the text for things the Founders meant, but didn't actually come out and say, perhaps because they didn't want to be accused of being politically incorrect. This attitude toward reading the Constitution is called being a "strict constructionist."
Okay, let's take our first look at the Articles, paying special attention to the "tensions" between them.
For example, Article I says that Congress has the power to pass laws. But Article II says that the President can issue "signing statements," which explain what the laws really mean.
Article I says that Congress has the power to declare war. But Article II says that the President doesn't have to actually ask Congress for permission to declare war, because if he did, he wouldn't be called the President, would he?
Article I says that Congress can't suspend "the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus." That means that people can't be kept in jail without being promptly charged and tried. But Article II explains that a privilege is just what it sounds like -- a special treat, like being allowed to stay up late on your birthday -- and that the President can take that treat away from someone if he doesn't deserve it.
Article I says that the Vice President is the President of the Senate, which is part of the legislative branch. But Article II says that the Vice President is part of the executive branch. Since no one can be in two places at the same time, this means that the Vice President doesn't have to obey any of the laws passed by Congress, and that he doesn't have to listen to the President, either.
To sum up what we've learned so far, the relationship between Article I and Article II -- the legislative branch has some powers, but the executive branch has more powers -- has come to be known as our system of "checks and balances."
Now let's move ahead with our overview of our country's wonderful charter.
Article III establishes the Supreme Court. The Court's most important power is overturning laws that the President doesn't agree with. The fancy term for this is "stare decisis," which is Latin for, "Sez who?"
Article III also says that if a President is impeached, you have to wait at least hundred years before doing it again, because it would be way too upsetting to put the country through that again so soon.
Article IV says that everyone in America, no matter what state they live in, has the same privileges. The only exception would be if, say, you lived in a state where there was a hurricane or something, and your governor was a real bitch.
Article V explains the process for amending the Constitution. An amendment is like a PS; it's something that the Founders forgot to say. Examples of things they forgot to say include: gay love is sin, abortion is murder, and flag-burning should be punishable by death.
Article VI says that no religious test should be required as a qualification for public office. Isn't that marvelous? In practice, this means that Christians never have to take a test to prove they believe in Jesus; that Jews get the benefit of the doubt because they're on the road to being perfected as Christians; and that Muslims have to swear on the Koran that they're not terrorists.
Article VII says that nine of the original thirteen colonies needed to ratify (that means "vote for") the Constitution in order for it to take effect. In today's terms, that would mean that if thirteen people voted in an election, nine of their votes would count.
Twenty-seven amendments to the Constitution have been adopted since 1791. The first ten of these are known as the Bill of Rights. The way I remember what they're about is a little lullaby that Dick and I used to sing to our daughters when they were small. It went like this:
Goodnight, freedom of religion,
Goodnight. freedom of speech;
Goodnight, freedom of the press,
Goodnight, fuzzy little peach.
Goodnight guns;
Goodnight torture;
Goodnight privacy,
Goodnight Rapture.
Goodnight, self-incrimination,
Goodnight, cuddly little Haitian.
Goodnight moon, goodnight air,
Goodnight jury trials everywhere.
The rest of the Amendments are -- well, that'll just have to be a story for another day.
Follow Marty Kaplan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/martykaplan
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Not funny. It is too true to be funny.
Thank you, Marty Kaplan, for your article. That type of story is the one that "we the people" need to hear these days: the truth.
As to the power of impeachment: Locke stated in his treatise on "natural rights" that if a government is not protecting the natural rights of
the people and their interests, then it is the DUTY OF THE PEOPLE to remove that government from power and replace that government with one that better serves the needs of the people.
COME ON, PEOPLE- DO YOUR DUTY!
B I N G O !!!!
duty of the people to remove this inept govt from power and YES YES YES repplace with ont that serves our needs better...
Maybe we start with voting every incumbent OUT OUT OUT !!!!
Blantant lawlessness in the executive branch, can be traced back to the ratification of the 25th amendment to the constitution. That amendent allows for a vacancy in the Vice presidency to be filled by appointment by the President and approval by the Senate. That means that the President can hand pick his Vice President to fill the position. Nixon hand picked his best friend, Gerald Ford to be V.P., then Nixon resigned, rather than face impeachment, and Ford pardoned him of all possible criminal actions. This set a terrible precedent. With the proper maneuvering, a V.P. can resign, get a full pardon, then a hand picked V.P. can be appointed by the President. At this point the President could resign, get his pardon, as well as all the rest of the members of his administration. Previous to the 25th amendment, the V.P. was strictly an elected position. The 25h amendment must be repealed to maintain law and order in the executive branch. If Cheney resigns, at any point, it would be up to the Senate NOT to ratify any V.P.,selec
Just maybe the funniest blog I've ever read on HuffPo. Awesome, Marty! Thanks for the laughs.
"GOODBYE AMERICA,HELLO BERLIN,...
wonderful post & shows we Amurcans ain't ded yet. my concern is that the Black waters don't come home in time to help at the polls w/ the '08 election. cheers.
except for the child play...won
don't you mean "wunerfall articul?"
lynne's on the daft side, we all know that. you would be, too, if you were married to a toxic waste dump in a 3-piece suit.
That's not fair to toxic waste.
Sad but true.
Politicians ignore the Constituion - it is a dead docuemnt.
America will pay the ultimate price for its complacency. Hitler was also "democratically" elected.
No he was not. He appointed himself head of state. Hitler was appointed the job of chancellor of Germany, and at the time of his appointment the chancellor didn't have the power as a head of state did. Hitler merely changed the rules, and appointed himself head of state. (who was going to argue with him?)
Sound familiar? Don't like the rules? Just change them. That's what georgie boy and dick have been doing for years now.
Hitler was elected.
Members of the Reichstag, out of literally mortal fear for their lives, rubber stamed his ascension.
Very Funny....
Again Marty, I congratulate you on a very funny and thoughful piece.
To give Lynne Cheyney ANY legitimate platform is to endorse her Fascism, her disdain for the American Constitution and any laws that stop the 'Vaders' from accumulating more power and more money. If Hitler had a wife, she would have been Lynne Cheyney. And this woman wants to write a children's book that I can rad to my grandchildren? I think not!
Fortunately, most of the audience of the Daily Show is NOT republican.
Hitler did have a wife, Eva Braun, whom he married in his bunker beneath the Reich Chancellary, on April 29, 1945, 1 day before
they mutually committed suicide as the Russians
closed in on them.
And, she was a sweet little kitten, in contrast to Mrs. Vader!
Everyone will have to concede Lynne Cheney's versatility in writing a lesbian novel in the 1980's and children's literature in 2000's.
This was priceless. Very entertaining.
Thank you, Marty, for keeping the Constitution in the light.
Lynne Cheney has taken to the talk show circuit to soften the fall of Neo Conservatism into hell, where it belongs. The A.E.I. for which she stands has been her guiding light-not the Constitution, to which she now shamefully attempts to honor and respect. She is a militant corporatist-a totalitarian who uses totalitarian tools, like lethal preemption, deception, and of course, propaganda to further the interests of subversives she is directly connected to.
Has she not heard? The Internet, Maher, Stewart, Colbert, Olbermann and thousands of communicators have some bad news for the likes of the "American" Enterprise Institute: You're busted.
http://www
Information technology and those delivering truth over the Fox Screamers will not give Lynne Cheney much of an opportunity to save herself, her fascist hubby, or the anti_American club of preemptive thieves and murderers of the A.E.I.
Ithuedk- Wow I wish I had taken the time to write what you did, and no, I couldn't have said quite the way you did! Merci.
Notice, how suddenly, Laura, and now Lynne
have become the mouthpieces for the Bush Reich Admistration.
A nice, feminine touch to the hard-line, Nazi
propoganda machine of Georgie and Dickie; all
they need now is to resurrect Frau Goebbels, and
they're all set!
Women voters, take note, if you like.
It doesn't matter what the Constitution says, when it's just a "goddamned scrap of paper."
I love Jon Stewert and have watched him every night I can but when Ms Cheney was due I couldn't stomach it anymore than I can when he has McCain on. The idea that these who have lied to us and continue to promote the killing of our own on a battlefield built on lies just makes the appearance on any medium hard to stomach. To me to have them anywhere in any medium is to glorify what they represent and this article for all it says shows the truth and we should all stand up and say no more to this administration, no more.
I respectfully disagree. It's quite important to have the McCain's and Cheney's on decent shows, as long as you make it a frank exchange and get to ask them unbiased important questions. Otherwise we miss out on a good section of politics America is eating and drinking, and making us eat and drink along.
Matt
me too. I watch the Stewart/Colbert reruns of the night before at 8 PM. That means I have to switch back and forth between them and Olberman (I know I know I need a recording device on my TV)..but when McCain or Cheney is on Stewart I can't deal and just tune in to Keith.
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