The Pet Constitution

"I'm writing a children's book about the Constitution."

-- Lynne Cheney to Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, October 10, 2007

As you may know, boys and girls, the beginning of the Constitution is called the Preamble. "Preamble" is a fancy word that means "apology." Our Founders were wise men who understood that government is bad, and since the Constitution establishes a government, they wanted to be sure to begin by saying how sorry they were for doing it.

The text of the Constitution itself is divided into seven Articles. "Article" means just what it does in modern English: it's a story, like you'd find in a newspaper or on television. And just as with any media story, except for Fox News, the key is not to take the Articles on face value, but instead to look for hidden biases and correct for them. It's also important to look in the text for things the Founders meant, but didn't actually come out and say, perhaps because they didn't want to be accused of being politically incorrect. This attitude toward reading the Constitution is called being a "strict constructionist."

Okay, let's take our first look at the Articles, paying special attention to the "tensions" between them.

For example, Article I says that Congress has the power to pass laws. But Article II says that the President can issue "signing statements," which explain what the laws really mean.

Article I says that Congress has the power to declare war. But Article II says that the President doesn't have to actually ask Congress for permission to declare war, because if he did, he wouldn't be called the President, would he?

Article I says that Congress can't suspend "the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus." That means that people can't be kept in jail without being promptly charged and tried. But Article II explains that a privilege is just what it sounds like -- a special treat, like being allowed to stay up late on your birthday -- and that the President can take that treat away from someone if he doesn't deserve it.

Article I says that the Vice President is the President of the Senate, which is part of the legislative branch. But Article II says that the Vice President is part of the executive branch. Since no one can be in two places at the same time, this means that the Vice President doesn't have to obey any of the laws passed by Congress, and that he doesn't have to listen to the President, either.

To sum up what we've learned so far, the relationship between Article I and Article II -- the legislative branch has some powers, but the executive branch has more powers -- has come to be known as our system of "checks and balances."

Now let's move ahead with our overview of our country's wonderful charter.

Article III establishes the Supreme Court. The Court's most important power is overturning laws that the President doesn't agree with. The fancy term for this is "stare decisis," which is Latin for, "Sez who?"

Article III also says that if a President is impeached, you have to wait at least hundred years before doing it again, because it would be way too upsetting to put the country through that again so soon.

Article IV says that everyone in America, no matter what state they live in, has the same privileges. The only exception would be if, say, you lived in a state where there was a hurricane or something, and your governor was a real bitch.

Article V explains the process for amending the Constitution. An amendment is like a PS; it's something that the Founders forgot to say. Examples of things they forgot to say include: gay love is sin, abortion is murder, and flag-burning should be punishable by death.

Article VI says that no religious test should be required as a qualification for public office. Isn't that marvelous? In practice, this means that Christians never have to take a test to prove they believe in Jesus; that Jews get the benefit of the doubt because they're on the road to being perfected as Christians; and that Muslims have to swear on the Koran that they're not terrorists.

Article VII says that nine of the original thirteen colonies needed to ratify (that means "vote for") the Constitution in order for it to take effect. In today's terms, that would mean that if thirteen people voted in an election, nine of their votes would count.

Twenty-seven amendments to the Constitution have been adopted since 1791. The first ten of these are known as the Bill of Rights. The way I remember what they're about is a little lullaby that Dick and I used to sing to our daughters when they were small. It went like this:

Goodnight, freedom of religion,
Goodnight. freedom of speech;
Goodnight, freedom of the press,
Goodnight, fuzzy little peach.

Goodnight guns;
Goodnight torture;
Goodnight privacy,
Goodnight Rapture.

Goodnight, self-incrimination,
Goodnight, cuddly little Haitian.
Goodnight moon, goodnight air,
Goodnight jury trials everywhere.

The rest of the Amendments are -- well, that'll just have to be a story for another day.

Follow Marty Kaplan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/martykaplan

Comments

[KarenZipdrive]

Lynne Cheney married Dick, then she bred with him...TWIC­E.
Any woman who would willingly allow Darth Dick to impregnate her is obviously crazy.
'Nuff said.

[Lane]

Karen-
some women will settle for any man just to have a man. Nuff said!

[1butterfly]

I didn't realize that "freedom" meant a gang of 'elite' neocons could steal a National election, then declare that the Constitution was "just a God-damed piece of paper"- and work to destroy it. I still don't understand how such a thing could happen. OR why the majority of citizens would tolerate it. Why weren't these people thrown out of office long ago, when it became clear that they had no morals, ethics or real belief in anything outside of their own lust for Money and Power?? I think they will work hard to rewrite History, but I think in the long run, it will backfire. Too many people in the world know what has happened, even if most of us don't know exactly how it happened. Extreme secrecy has been their method of selling-out this country and allowing the constant destruction of the environment and species.

[Phej0matic]

Well said... the truth WILL come out!

[bigdaddyvike]

hey- our chimp-in-chief swore to uphold that "God-damned" piece of paper!

[Blutenhalbmond]

1butterfly or anyone,

Is this really true? I cannot believe it is possible that any elected official can make
such a statement that "the Constitution was "just a God-damed piece of paper".

I am pretty sure there is a mistake.

[klmebane]

oh no, there's no mistake, he actually said that.

[Sundialsvc4]

Although you intend this article to be cynical (and it is), what it really points out is just how many things that have been happening lately are Unconstitutional. Also, it points out the degree to which the Congress (yes, the Congress, red and/or blue) has been =aiding and abetting= these activities which are both Unconstitutional and outright Criminal.

However, it would be quite wrong to proclaim "all is lost," because it isn't. Elected leaders sometimes need to have their feet held to the fire.

Laws are worthless without the spectre of swift law-enforcement: the Impeachment power, which can be directed against "ANY Civil Officer," is that power. And, I assert, it is not "discretio­nary." It can never be "off the table." It is a duty, not a perogative and never a threat.

We have the laws we need. Of these, the Constitution is Supreme, no matter what any consultant says to the contrary. The circumstances that face our country now are, in fact, "old hat" in world history. They merely await our determination to enforce our own laws and to expunge those who are disloyal to the oath that every single government official takes, from the highest to the low.

Law-enforcement doesn't "just happen." You have to demand it.

[Boris]

We should punish Wyoming for sending these two clowns to Washington DC. WHat can we do? Make it a refuge for gays? Make it a state for illegal immigrants? Make it a refuge for gay illegal immigrants? Require residents to wear pink shirts? Take away their horses and guns?
Ah, hell.

Nuke It.

[Pdubya]

goonight CFR
goodnight pre-emptive war
goodnight taxes
goodnight lobbyists
goodnight illegal aliens
goodnight corporate welfare
goodnight imperialism
goodnight torture
goodnight war on drugs
goodnight partisanship
goodnight racism

good morning ron paul

www.ronpaul2008.com
www.dailypaul.com

[jeremydbrooks]

As much as it pained me to do so, I just today submitted my updated voter registration for the Nevada Caucus, switching from Libertarian to (choke)...­Republican­...Dr. Paul ought to give me a cabinet position just for the effort.

[daybreak]

OK I agree with much of what you say above.
However, it is not "illegal aliens" that are a problem. Free Trade Agreements have been destroying peoples livelihoods here and abroad by outpricing the products people produce (e.g. small farmers outpriced by corporate farms). Most of the people you are refering to are from Mexico and they have been native to this continent for thousands of years. Many are descendents of the Mayan and Aztec tribes. So how in the hell can they be illegal? Because rich, spoiled politicians have ruled it so? This continent was taken by force from native peoples by european people and they weren't even asked for a green card. Also, if the poverty exacerbated by Free Trade Agreements, corporate greed and war funding is not addressed then eliminating taxes will only benefit the affluent. Scapegoating disenfranchised people is not the answer. Social Security and other worker benefits were fought for by brave labor activists. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. Check it out. Thank you.

[aleco]

Great post, Marty. I especially liked the reference to impeachment. Since we're talking about the Cheneys let me express something that has been bothering me for some time. In 2003 after the war in Iraq began, Dick Cheney appeared on "Meet the Press." He admitted during that interview that he knew that as a result of the invasion, Halliburton would be the beneficiary of major contracts with the U.S. If that's not an indictment of his motives in promoting this war, I don't know what is. He made this admission in response to a question put to him by Tim Russert about allegations that Cheney improperly used his influence with the Department of Defense to award Halliburton with these contracts. Cheney stated that he didn't have to use his influence because the DOD had done business with Halliburton in the past and that Halliburton was the only company qualified to undertake these contracts and would have received these contracts in the normal course of events. Does anyone still believe that the link between Cheney, as former CEO of Halliburton, and the war in Iraq is just a coincidence? What bothers me is that I have never heard any reference to Cheney's admission and its ramifications anywhere in the media. God forbid someone should accuse the president and vice president of criminal wrongdoing where thousands of people have died but it was okay to impeach Clinton for his sexual transgressions.

[CaptainObvious]

"Does anyone still believe that the link between Cheney, as former CEO of Halliburton, and the war in Iraq is just a coincidence?"

If you EVER DID in the first place, you should be required to serve at least 3 tours of duty in Iraq for your blatant stupidity and authoritarian tendencies.

[thinkgra]

Yes, and don't forget Richard Perle and Trireme Partners.

[ibsteve2u]

This article would be a whole lot funnier if both it and the Cheneys weren't so horribly scary.

[foxygarcia]

Whenever I don't have the time or words to challenge my friends on the right I refer them to Marty Kaplan for some brain nourishment, concsiousness libation, a taste of my favorite dish on the menu of sensible, funny, intelligent meals. yummy

[Rabbin]

A book for children hmmmmm!
Did I read this right a book for children
A child that is spoiled that gets his or her own way.

Children whom don't know that when you put your hands into a flame it will get burned

Ouch do you feel the Chaney pain?
A book for children written by an immature child that has no concern for others but only for what they can get by their control over others!

Shame on you for even thinking of such a thing.

Our President and Vice President need to grow up and smell the roses or poison Ivy before they write a children's book of how to grow up wise and understanding of the world as it truly is!

[soundoff]

Right On Rabbin! What a joke and a mind full of poetic injustice for the children of the America. Mrs. Cheney would have been more accurate to come out with a new toilet paper with the Bill of Rights on it. Then she could have told the children: "Children, this is what my husband Dick thinks of the Bill of Rights."

[transendentilist]

It's a cookbook. The cheney's eat children.

[janmB]

Government isn't BAD. Why would the life blood of a country be BAD. Some of the people in GOVT are bad.
LIKE DICK CHENEY for one GOOD example

[CaptainObvious]

The "life blood" of the country is the people - not the institutions. Those in public office are OUR servants - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

I encourage you to attend some classes on Civics. Please try to encourage your senators and representatives to attend it with you.

[Chuckumentary]

Here's a little video about Cheney's 3-hour stop in Denver, home of the 2008 DNC.

[sa]

it's a shame the whole 911 thingy happened,
and all our lives, money, talk/debate and energy are focused on the middle east. the dark prince and "LYNNE" might have easily
had all the same happening in china instead.

for they are terrible war people,
who's days and nights are not fulfilled
unless a world of death and suffering
buoy their republican hearts.
(and untold profit of the warzones they
help to create).

war is easy. peace is hard.

dubai awaits their homecoming,
after they've sunken the american ship,
and like rats in the water,
swim to halliburton.
and retire blissfully in its desert winds.
a preparation in heat - for what awaits them
beyond.

[vastleft]

You're doing a heckuva job, Margaret Wise Brownie!

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

I watched that episode...­. and cringed as much as I do when I see Mr. Chain-er. She is as arrogant as Dicky... what a perfect couple... who belond to a party that opposes anything for gays.... except their daughter that is.

Did you all see how she just walked off the stage like.... like... like I've never seen anyone do on the Daily Show?

Also, I missed the next day... when John was saying something about that... and how she "walked off to gring him back a rhubarb pie?" Is there any video of that?

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Sorry about my typing... too much coffee this morning.

[robiform]

There IS video of the rhubarb pie--I found it in a link on RawStory.com, but I imagine it's also on the Comedy Central website.

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Wow... that's a lot of info. I like it!! But can't find the DailyShow video. Can you help me out please?

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Found it! THAT was excellent. Thanks!

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Last summer, my visit to George Washington's homestead in Mount Vernon was inexorably tarnished by seeing a kiddie book, nominally by Lynne Cheney, in the gift store.

I say "nominally," because I know it was ghost-written. Ms. Cheney simply stole the credit. As to the profits nominally going to a noble cause, my source says that deal expires when the Cheney's leave office; they pocket the proceeds thereafter.

For a REAL hoot, Mrs. Darth Vader actually wrote a book called "Telling the Truth." (BarBar the Elephant even takes a hit. Can't have those efete euro-elephants, now can we?) No kidding:
http://www.amazon.com/Telling-Truth-Lynne-V-Cheney/dp/0684825341/ref=sr_1_8/102-5883823-0640112?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192454315&sr=1-8

[Yukon Jack]

You say: "Ms. cheney simply stole the credit".

Can you substantiate your claim??

[Petesdaddy]

She also wrote a book called "Sisters," a dime store novel about lesbians. I have only read excerpts and it is really tacky and trashy, which is what you could expect from Lynn Cheney. Ugh.

[Yukon Jack]

What is, in your opinion, tacky and trashy: the subject or the author?

[doodlefarbe]

ReasonIsMyReligion writes, "Mrs. Darth Vader actually wrote a book called "Telling the Truth." (BarBar the Elephant even takes a hit. Can't have those efete euro-elephants, now can we?) No kidding".


Um, apparently you were kidding, or being less than forthcoming. I followed the link you supplied to the Amazon.com book review. It is very clear that Cheney doesn't "hit" out against Babar the Elephant, for being an "efete euro-elephant" or for any other reason. Rather, she claims to have been quoting an "educator" who was warning teachers not to use Babar as an example. So, contrary to what you wrote, Cheney appears to actually support "efete" euro-eleph­ants...

[AnotherMcIntosh]

Well done.

Thanks.