The Pet Constitution
"I'm writing a children's book about the Constitution."
-- Lynne Cheney to Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, October 10, 2007
As you may know, boys and girls, the beginning of the Constitution is called the Preamble. "Preamble" is a fancy word that means "apology." Our Founders were wise men who understood that government is bad, and since the Constitution establishes a government, they wanted to be sure to begin by saying how sorry they were for doing it.
The text of the Constitution itself is divided into seven Articles. "Article" means just what it does in modern English: it's a story, like you'd find in a newspaper or on television. And just as with any media story, except for Fox News, the key is not to take the Articles on face value, but instead to look for hidden biases and correct for them. It's also important to look in the text for things the Founders meant, but didn't actually come out and say, perhaps because they didn't want to be accused of being politically incorrect. This attitude toward reading the Constitution is called being a "strict constructionist."
Okay, let's take our first look at the Articles, paying special attention to the "tensions" between them.
For example, Article I says that Congress has the power to pass laws. But Article II says that the President can issue "signing statements," which explain what the laws really mean.
Article I says that Congress has the power to declare war. But Article II says that the President doesn't have to actually ask Congress for permission to declare war, because if he did, he wouldn't be called the President, would he?
Article I says that Congress can't suspend "the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus." That means that people can't be kept in jail without being promptly charged and tried. But Article II explains that a privilege is just what it sounds like -- a special treat, like being allowed to stay up late on your birthday -- and that the President can take that treat away from someone if he doesn't deserve it.
Article I says that the Vice President is the President of the Senate, which is part of the legislative branch. But Article II says that the Vice President is part of the executive branch. Since no one can be in two places at the same time, this means that the Vice President doesn't have to obey any of the laws passed by Congress, and that he doesn't have to listen to the President, either.
To sum up what we've learned so far, the relationship between Article I and Article II -- the legislative branch has some powers, but the executive branch has more powers -- has come to be known as our system of "checks and balances."
Now let's move ahead with our overview of our country's wonderful charter.
Article III establishes the Supreme Court. The Court's most important power is overturning laws that the President doesn't agree with. The fancy term for this is "stare decisis," which is Latin for, "Sez who?"
Article III also says that if a President is impeached, you have to wait at least hundred years before doing it again, because it would be way too upsetting to put the country through that again so soon.
Article IV says that everyone in America, no matter what state they live in, has the same privileges. The only exception would be if, say, you lived in a state where there was a hurricane or something, and your governor was a real bitch.
Article V explains the process for amending the Constitution. An amendment is like a PS; it's something that the Founders forgot to say. Examples of things they forgot to say include: gay love is sin, abortion is murder, and flag-burning should be punishable by death.
Article VI says that no religious test should be required as a qualification for public office. Isn't that marvelous? In practice, this means that Christians never have to take a test to prove they believe in Jesus; that Jews get the benefit of the doubt because they're on the road to being perfected as Christians; and that Muslims have to swear on the Koran that they're not terrorists.
Article VII says that nine of the original thirteen colonies needed to ratify (that means "vote for") the Constitution in order for it to take effect. In today's terms, that would mean that if thirteen people voted in an election, nine of their votes would count.
Twenty-seven amendments to the Constitution have been adopted since 1791. The first ten of these are known as the Bill of Rights. The way I remember what they're about is a little lullaby that Dick and I used to sing to our daughters when they were small. It went like this:
Goodnight, freedom of religion,
Goodnight. freedom of speech;
Goodnight, freedom of the press,
Goodnight, fuzzy little peach.
Goodnight guns;
Goodnight torture;
Goodnight privacy,
Goodnight Rapture.
Goodnight, self-incrimination,
Goodnight, cuddly little Haitian.
Goodnight moon, goodnight air,
Goodnight jury trials everywhere.
The rest of the Amendments are -- well, that'll just have to be a story for another day.
Follow Marty Kaplan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/martykaplan
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That was an accurate observation on the administration's view of the Constitution.
I saw the Lynne Cheney interview on the Daily Show. It was surreal. It's like Wall Street writing a book titled, "Restoring the American Labor Union."
Excellent, Mr. Kaplan! Lynne Cheney, like her scumbag husband, wouldn't recognize the Consitution if it ran up and kicked her in the ass.
She'd better write a REVISED book on the Constitution, to reflect what the Liar-and-Chief and her husband have done to it.
Marty Kaplan is the BEST DAMN Lullaby writer ever ! Thanks Man. We need the humor.
Lynne Cheney to Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, October 10, 2007
"I'm writing a children's book about the Constitution."
Jon "But Ms. Cheney you can not do that for another 14 months.
Lynne Cheney " Why Jon"
Because this administration hasn't finished rewriting it yet, thats why!!!
LOLOL!!! Freedoms friend. thanks for the laugh.
Oh, that lullaby is so sweet. My wife and I sang it to our little girl tonight, but then inexplicably she started to gag. We became alarmed. As she coughed some more, she managed to sputter, "Give me liberty or give me death!" And then, out of the blue, she just slapped us both upside the head. Go figure.
That's funny. Kudos.
Did you shudder too when you read "gay love?"
Talk about an oxymoron.
Actually, I didn't shudder in the least. Well, to that term, anyway.
After reading your comment, I did shudder when I see "johnnyjust". Of course, that's not an oxymoron; that's just a plain old everyday moron.
Beautiful, BamaRainbow!
:-)
Do you know what an oxymoron is? Hint, it's not the guy that does the Oxy-Clean commercials.
There is an important billionaire equation to keep in mind:
Rupert Murdoch ==== William Randolph Hearst
This is scary
You have way too much insight into Mrs Cheney
Talk about privileged access
I'm going to have to reread the Constitution, I really don't remember most of the crap she is quoting.
Are you sure?
Have you been drinking?
I have
Shame on you
Bob
Turns out Lynne Cheney has a thing for 'children & the Constitution'.
Go see... http://www.whitehouse.gov/mrscheney/constitution-day.html
Highlights...
2001, author, scholar and wife of the Vice President, Lynne Cheney announced plans for an annual celebration of Constitution Day to highlight the importance of learning about America's Founding Fathers and documents, as well as the inspirational figures who have since helped our nation live up to the ideals contained within the Constitution. The inaugural event took place at the Vice President's Residence on September 17, 2002.
"I think it is vital to teach children about one of our nation's most influential documents and the people who shaped it." Mrs. Cheney said.
"The Constitution is not only one of our nation's founding documents, it is one of the most influential documents ever written."
In 2004, Mrs. Cheney commemorated Constitution Day with students at the Virginia home of George Mason, the founding father who would not sign the U.S. Constitution because it lacked a declaration of rights.
In 2003, Mrs. Cheney marked the 216th birthday of the Constitution with students at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, just two blocks from Independence Hall, where the founding document was signed.
"There are few things more important than teaching children the history of our great nation, and there are many ways to do it, from visiting historic sites and museums to reading books to children about the story of America."
----
If all this doesn't bring a tear to your eye, I don't know what will.
Too bad the greedy bitch doesnt practice what she preaches!!!
Amen to that. Her COLDNESS AND ARROGANCE makes the late Leona Helmsley look like Gandhi.
She does.... she preaches bullshit! ;o)
This is a brilliant piece of satire. I'm saving the link!
By the bye, Mrs. Cheney seems that she is qualified to criticize the "moral values" of Former Pres. Carter. We have to wonder with which of the former President's moral values she finds fault: Carter's winning of the Nobel
Peace Prize or building houses for poor people?
LYNNE CHENEY'S SOLUTION FOR GLOBAL WARMING: NUCLEAR WINTERS!
OK, once again, this is laugh-out-loud funny. The only thing is, I thought it was gonna be about pets, and nowhere do you discuss the quail our blind VP saved by hitting his best friend or the cats in the White House or anything else remotely in the pet universe. Do pets get to vote? Or is that something the Supreme Court will address in their third trimester?
Thanks for making MY day.
LOLOL!! Belladonna. ...quail our blind VP saved by hitting his.... still laughing.... LOL!!
Why is it that, all the brillant writers and critics we have of our Constitution, fail to identify the violation of the one key single Article, that permits violating the others? Cure this defect and the others will evaporate. Do it now as patriots or later as criminals...johnxxx
is she going to write about OUR consitution or THEIR consitution?
considering lobbyists, corporations, and globalists are hi-jacking our constitution, it would be good to elect someone that wants to revisit it to protect our sovereignty.
thats why this democrat is voting for Ron Paul.
scary that commander cheney is writing this book. next they'll have a library exchange with gun toting 8 year-olds from A.Q
RON PAUL is a Libertarian. No taxes but perhaps a consumer tax. Everything we buy pays for government services. No monies for government from much of anywhere else. No interference of government and their agencies. Everybody, the workers and CORPORATISM has the right to do as we/it please. Supposedly assuming we don't cheat or hurt each other.
Laissez Fair, free market without regulations, government stays out of protecting its citizens, much less the outsiders, disenfranchised, folks won't pick themselves up by their bootstraps. Government provides no support, education, services, to pregnant women seeking counseling or, in any way, government assistance for abortions. Let each State decide if abortion is legal there.
Not that there aren't a number of Libertarian positives for the live-and-let-live crowd:
Government imposition of protections such as seat belts, helmuts, smoking, liable to criminal prosecution, cancelled, off the books, verboten. Current illegal drugs become legal. We can watch what we want, read what we want, speak like we want, make love with anybody we want, burn the flags we want.
Libertarians got a lot of 'pure' REPUBLICAN virtues for the less-government-the-better crowd. If everybody in GOVERNMENT/CORPORATISM was decent, fair and balanced in favor of fairplay and justice for all according to do unto others goodness they would perhaps seat real well as a majority influence in an all agreed upon hierarchy Utopia.
Get the best of both...
Paul/Kucinich - Tag Team 2008 - The 9/12 Candidates!
'I am voting only for the 9/12 candidate!' - Tom 'Flat World' Friedman
you mention every extreme form of libertariansim, of which, Paul does not position himself with. he does not want to put people out on the street, but redirect federal spending to take care of the people that have grown accustomed to the welfare state.....then, and only then, start adopting a limited federal government. also, increasing individual rights (especially property) whereby the citizen can compete legally with corporations that pollute, steal, and otherwise run amok in today's system.
research.
Since Ron Paul has no chance of being nominated, how do you intend to vote for him?
A write in vote?
You may as well vote for Mickey Mouse.
Go ahead, throw away your vote.
I've thrown away my vote voting against Bush, against Daddy, etc. Its either Guns or Butter, and both will bankcrupt us.
Ron Paul no chance?
- only candidate to increase % funding from last quarter
- $5.1 million last quarter, zero debt (that means no lobby paybacks), with $40 avg donations
- Most youtube videos or visits
- won all of the straw polls
- won all of the post debate polls
- over 1,000 meetup groups, double anyone elses
i've voted for 25 years...this is no blip on the radar screen. he is now "the dark horse" candidate.
If you participate, you promote. And I can not participate in more of the same, otherwise I'm promoting it.
I want a good general election debate and contest. I do not want a neocon running against a Dem.
A cast vote is never wasted.
They are all sould-out criminals. That's why this Ex-Democrat is voting for NO ONE!!!
ron paul hasn't sold out.
www.sopr.senate.gov
www.ronpaul2008.com
www.dailypaul.com
see for yourself.
Good Duc. Good for you. That's one less republican vote.
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