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Marvin E. Quasniki Headshot

A Republican Candidate With a Difference

Posted: Updated:

My fellow Americans,

Firstly, I begin by saying my message is intended for American voters only. If you don't live in the United States, or you're some kind of felon who can't vote, I suggest you stop reading now and go click on the "CUTEST POLAR BEAR VIDEO EVER" link elsewhere on this site.

My name is Marvin E. Quasniki and I will be the next president of the United States. That's right, I said "I will be" and not "I would like to be the next president," because frankly, I wouldn't like it. It's a terrible job. But our country's in the crapper, I'm mad as hell, and nobody else seems to be doing anything about it.

Let me tell you about myself and how I arrived at this momentous decision. I'm a turquoise farmer from Tonopah, Nevada. My wife, Myrna, and I are simple people. One night I was looking at some lovely turquoise belt buckles on the Home Shopping Channel, and I happened to flip past a Republican debate. And I tell you, I never heard so much bullshit in my life. I knew I had to do something, and running for president seemed like the easiest thing.

I may still be an unfamiliar face among the GOP candidates, but already my passionate and simplistic campaign promise -- "No More Bullshit!" -- has inspired billions, if not trillions of Americans around the world. In the coming weeks, I will use this forum to tell voters more about my platform and my plan for America. I may also share a favorite recipe or two, or perhaps some dirty jokes that have been forwarded to me via electronic mail. In the meantime, I urge you to join my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, and keep up with all my campaign videos at www.youtube.com/nerdist.

Thank you for your time and/or your interest in cute polar bear videos. God bless you, and God bless America.

Presidentially,
Marvin E. Quasniki

  Obama Romney
Obama Romney
332 206
Obama leading
Obama won
Romney leading
Romney won
Popular Vote
33 out of 100 seats are up for election. 51 are needed for a majority.
Democrat leading
Democrat won
Holdover
Republican leading
Republican won
Democrats* Republicans
Current Senate 53 47
Seats gained or lost +2 -2
New Total 55 45
* Includes two independent senators expected to caucus with the Democrats: Angus King (Maine) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt.).
All 435 seats are up for election. 218 are needed for a majority.
Democrat leading
Democrat won
Republican leading
Republican won
Democrats Republicans
Seats won 201 234
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