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Marvin Kitman Headshot

See Ralph Run

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If we can't impeach President Bush apparently despite the multiple impeachable misdoings of his administration -- and why we can't is never quite clear to me, given the enormity of his multiple impeachment-worthy crimes, compared to Bill Clinton, who at least could claim he suffered from a medical condition known as Achilles Penis -- I have another outlet for pent up spleen that needed venting accumulated in the last seven years.

I propose we impeach Ralph Nader, without whom the election of George Bush never would have been possible.

The idea for a preventive impeachment for a presumptive campaign came to me when the newest presidential candidate finally threw his Corvair into the ring Sunday morning.

He had warned as early as last summer that he was considering making a run for office again. On Meet the Press Sunday morning, he carried out his threat.

Before answering Tim Russert's question about the decision-making process -- presumably after he had he had finished weighing his options, consulted with his advisers, and meeting with his exploratory committee members -- Ralph said he first had to give the context.

While considerably longer than the Gettysburg Address, Nader's contextual statement explained , among many other things, he could end the civil war in the Democratic Party, which he still despises. He also promised to fix the broken two party system by adding a third or more.

In a single 23-minute sound bite on NBC, Ralph Nader solidified his position in history as the Harold Stassen of the 21st Century.

Strictly speaking, that is not true. Harold Stassen ran for president seven times. This is only Nader's third race. But he is only 74. Toscanini was conducting when he was past 80.

It was fascinating watching host Tim Russert try to pin the tail on the horse's ass for being responsible for the election of Bush in 2000.

Nader declined the honor.

If I may paraphrase here, basically Ralph said the Democrats lost the election. Al Gore lost the election. Among the long list of those who lost the election -- corporations, the Supreme Court, seemingly everybody except Amy Winehouse -- his name was not included.

He was not impressed by the fact, suggested by Tim, that George W. won by 537 votes in Florida where Nader culled 97,488. In New Hampshire, where Bush's margin was 7.211, Nader drew 22,188. "A win by Gore in either state would have put him in the White House," as Newsday put it when Nader announced he was running again in 2004.

Nader was too modest to take credit. If I can paraphrase again -- Ralph never says in one paragraph when he can say it in a page -- Nader's argument is that he noa mea culpa.

That was easy for him to say.

Carper that I am, I still can't forget those eloquent speeches in 2000 in which he explained the Democratic and Republican parties were the same thing. Gore and Bush were the same thing. Don't waste your vote. Vote Green."

I begged to differ with him. How could he or his supporters say there was no difference between Gore and Bush? It was like saying red and green is the same thing. Whoever said that was either politically color blind or stupid.

It would be okay if this was a case of one man's self-delusion, but Nader had accomplices, media spellbinders who helped spread those impeachable lies.

In my fantasy impeachment bill of attainment, I would include as un-indicted co-conspirators at least two media giants for dissemination of patent nonsense.

Phil Donahue was the liberal firebrand at liberty in 2000. After 29 years and 6,000 groundbreaking programs, his syndicated daytime TV talk show Donahue had been canceled in 1996. A multi-millionaire who had married that girl Marlo Thomas, he was not yet ready to sit in the rocking chair on the front porch of his mansion in the Connecticut hills. He used his down time doing such socially useful things as singing the praises of the Green Party and their presidential candidate. He was said to have clout amongst young women and all liberals.

Michael Moore, an ardent Naturist, was the hero of the first year of the Iraq War, and beloved by the young. He was later to survive the boos of the Beverly Hills & Bel Aire Republican National Guard units at Oscars 2003...you may remember the "Shame on You, Mr. Bush" address. While picking up his prize for Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore explained "We live in a time where fictitious election results give us a fictitious president. We are now fighting a war for fictitious reasons." He neglected to mention his role in creating the work of fiction.

Moore is a great documentarian, a funny writer sometimes, when he isn't being just an ideologue. But as a political pundit, I will take Janeane Garafolo.

Moore and the other members of the Gang of Three especially thrilled the young citizens in my house. I am still afraid to ask my kids how they voted in 2000.

Who knows how many of the young and stupid generation didn't even bother to vote at all in 2000 after being assured it didn't matter anyway.

And while I'm rounding up the usual suspects, I would throw in Marty Peretz, the New Republic editor-in-chief and bosom Gore adviser. He was the man who convinced the vice president not to use Bill Clinton on the stump, back in the days when Clinton's name was the HGH of politics.

In many ways Ralph Nader is a heroic figure, as Barack Obama said, and I don't mean to diminish him. He has done many worthwhile things in his 40 years as a social reformer. But he's not cut out for politics. For one thing, he can't shake hands. He's one of those compulsive hand-washers, a neo-Howard Hughes.

As much as I might admire his non-political activities, I even think virtual impeachment is too good for him. He should be sent to Guantanamo, or better yet Abu Gharib, for his crimes and misdemeanors in 2000.

As we saw on Sunday, the man is out of control now. There is no telling what this political Energizer bunny on HGH will do next. Ralph Nader should be recalled before he does any more damage to society.