Fuller House or Failure House: A Tanner Family Future

04/30/2015 09:18 pm ET | Updated Jun 30, 2015

We have been living in the post TGIF world for some time now. This is a world where we know that Bob Saget has the mouth, and likely the venereal diseases of a truck stop hooker, Urkel is sexually appealing without having to turn himself into Stefan, and a human woman was willing to divorce John Stamos and marry the fat kid from The Goonies.

Let's face it -- should you find yourself in a situation where, when you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home, then you know you are either dying or somebody slipped some LSD into your cocktail. I think we can all agree that while nostalgia has its place, the age of innocence is over.

If the producers are going to sell the original audience on the Full House reboot, they are going to have to get adult about this thing. I, for one, would like to see the second coming of the Tanner family prove worthy of being added to our Netflix cues. As such, I've taken the liberty of jotting down a few episode ideas for a Fuller House that truly encapsulates the zeitgeist of the milkman free times in which we live.

Episode One:
Way Down in Kok-Homo
The Beach Boys return to the show to play at Nicky and Alex's gay double wedding to the twins who played the kid from Big Daddy and Ross' son on Friends. George Takei officiates. Uncle Jesse and Rebecca split up when having to defend Nicky and Alex's nuptials to Rebecca's Nebraska relatives puts Jesse over the edge. Jesse's love of leather was always tough for the Donaldsons to take, but their country disapproval reaches its climax when the leather clad rebellion comes in the form of assless chaps running rampant at a wedding reception where they had the audacity not to include square dancing. The wedding is in no way disrupted as everyone knows that, if you have a gay double wedding in San Francisco without there being some drama over attire and family acceptance, then you're doing it wrong. Jesse tell his in-laws they can go take a hike up Brokeback Mountain, hops on his hog, and takes off into the sunset. The episode ends with, "To be continued..."

Episode Two:
Have Mary, Have Mercy
At a liquor store somewhere near Graceland, I become Jesse's rebound girl when we notice we both have killer hair, our eyes lock and I ask, "Your bike or mine?" After we consummate the relationship on his Harley and I make him feel like a real man again, we return to San Francisco. I convince him to trade in the cappuccino machine at the Smash Club for a liquor license. Business markedly improves. Jesse now believes that I am what was missing in his life all along, and he only loved Becky due to her resemblance to pre-surgical Priscilla Presley. We get engaged, but I realize we rushed into the relationship when he insists that our wedding cake be made out of Greek yogurt, completely ignoring the fact that I'm lactose intolerant. I can't be too upset with him for being so lactose inconsiderate since we've only known each other for one motorcycle year, which is approximately three days. Even though it was pure magic while it lasted, we agree to break it off because it was becoming a real problem for both of us that I couldn't stop calling him Uncle Jesse. He reassures me that he will be OK, telling me that, "Anytime I feel lonely, I can just go on tour with The Beach Boys. And when on tour with The Beach Boys, everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold onto. In other words, don't you worry, I'm gonna get laid like nobody's business." Apparently Uncle Jesse has developed this tic where he repeats himself when he's trying to be strong. We part ways amicably, but not before he gives me Scott Baoi's phone number and his blessing, which, as always, consists of a sex act followed by a, "Have mercy." It all turns out for the best as Scott Baoi doesn't mind my calling him Charles in Charge. In fact, he actually seems to prefer it.

Episode Three:
One Hand in Joey's Pocket
Alanis Morissette auditions to be the opening act for Jesse and the Rippers as a ploy to get back together with Dave uh, Joey. Joey is way into the idea as soon as he finds out that Alanis dated Ryan Reynolds, and reconciliation would mean he'd only be two degrees of separation away from Blake Lively. Things go awry when, overjoyed about Joey's desire to work on the relationship, Alanis makes the mistake of sending Joey the music video for Thank You, where she's naked in the street in the most nonsexual of fashions. Alanis had hoped sharing the video would signify her gratefulness for the journey that brought them back together. Instead, upon seeing the video, all Joey can think about are all the diseases she must have picked up rolling around the city streets in the buff, and it renders him completely impotent. It's a real black fly in Alanis' Chardonnay. No one learns a valuable lesson.

Episode Four:
A Harsh Wake Up in San Francisco
Danny becomes a medical marijuana advocate after seeking treatment for his insufferable OCD. He invites his new advocacy crew over for their weekly guys' night, Toking in Front of The TV Tuesday. When flipping through the channels, Danny finds himself inexplicably drawn to the star of the hit reality show, From Vicky to Dickly. It very slowly dawns on Danny that his former fiancé, Vicky now Victor, never went to NY to take a news anchor job, but actually stayed in California to undergo a sex change operation. The initial realization is a real like whoa, wake up San Francisco moment for him. In the end, Danny is totally cool with it cause, well, medical marijuana advocate. The cast of Entourage guest stars.

Episode Five:
How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck...What Rhymes With Chuck?
Joey figures out the hard way that Mr. Woodchuck's always asking if everything is made out of wood turns out to be a euphemistic way of admitting to a real enthusiasm for a rare form of sexual cannibalism. Joey blames himself; he never should have let Mr. Woodchuck sleep on his hand knowing that still occasionally in the mornings, he himself is made out of wood. Joey is able to bounce back thanks to Vicky turned Victor being a real bro throughout the whole affair, supporting Joey through his many corrective surgical procedures. The unfortunate incident turns out not to impact Joey's social life very much at all given the previous onset of Alanis inspired impotence. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Yeah, I really do think.

Episode Six:
KeeganVerted and Kirking Out
Old flame Andrew Keegan tracks Stephanie down on Facebook. Concerned by the large number of questionable selfies and cryptic status updates on her profile, he goes by the old Tanner house to see just exactly how rude things have gotten for Stephanie. He arrives to find that only visiting cousin Kirk Cameron is at home while most of the family has gone to support Stephanie in court. The novelty of just pinning roses to her nose having long since worn off, she now faces charges of cocaine possession. Even though he missed Stephanie, Keegan knows that this chance meeting with Kirk Cameron happened for a reason because, damn it, he came over to help someone. Plus, he's become spiritual like that. Kirk and Keegan have a serious heart to heart over some Kool-Aid. After slipping some LSD into his glass and then challenging him to a family friendly chugging contest, Keegan is able to convert Cameron to his self-founded religion. Andrew promises his new follower that a light will be waiting to carry them back to his place, and he totally delivers. Candace uh, D.J. returns to the house to find a note explaining how she's yet again been blown off by her favorite cousin, who's been too cool for her ever since his acne cleared up. She can't find her pillow person to calm herself down so she decides on impulse that she'd be better off moving to Greece to be with the husband she kinda accidentally married as a preteen. She is very disappointed to find out that Greek Orthodox does not mean that people in Greece are just way traditional. The episode ends on a high note when D.J. decides she can overcome this predicament with exercise and nutrition, and also Andrew Keegan and Kirk Cameron are still really really high.

Whether the writers and producers run with my suggestions or not, I'm doubtful that this spinoff will compare to the classic Full House. Though many members of the original cast have yet to confirm their involvement, I am going to adopt a positive outlook and choose to see the house as half full. That is, unless John Stamos walks out, in which case my interest in the show is as dead as Comet the family dog must be by now.