Moms of Facebook, I need to level with you for a second. We are friensd, and most of you I adore, even admire. I steal your recipes and craft ideas. I pin your birthday parties and comment on your vacations. Your kids? They are so darn precious.
But there are a few of you who just need to STOP it. Right now.
1. "I Gave Birth So I'm An Expert" Mom
It takes a lot of things to be a mom, and I give you credit for that. When you enter the delivery unit (or baby pool in your living room), you are going to come out a different person, without a doubt. HOWEVER...
Motherhood doesn't suddenly make us scientists, lactation consultants or doctors. Those are jobs that require actual credentials. I am NOT downplaying the mom role, so calm down. But giving birth doesn't make you a fireman, either. Capice?
So stop it with all this expert nonsense. Unless you actually are one, in which case, please, carry on.
2. "Delivery Was A Horror Story" Mom
Please stop. For Heaven's sake, I do not need to hear about how your child grabbed your colon and pulled it into the world with him. 1) That's not even possible and 2) I have a graphic imagination. And those centimeter-by-centimeter updates on your labor progress? We may not be able to talk eye-to-eye again.
3. "Gerber Baby Contest" Mom
OK, I'm not even mad. I understand that you genuinely believe Tommy or Tina is the cutest thing on the planet earth. EVER. I just want to gently tell you that maybe -- just maybe -- every other mom on Facebook thinks the same thing about her bundle of joy. And that makes for a lot of contests and share-to-wins.
Reality check: We can't all have babies on the front of processed food jars.
4. "Johnny Had A Poo" Mom
Your friends on Facebook love to see pictures of your child. They don't love to hear about your struggles with his poo or pee or diaper blowouts. (UNLESS there is a hilarious story attached). You may be reading this and thinking "BUT... I get like 20 'likes' on those status updates! People LOVE to know!"
I can promise you that for every "like" there are roughly five eye-rolls or "hides." If this ratio does not bother you, post on, girlfriend... post on.
5. The "Diagnose My Kid's Medical Emergency" Mom
Uh-oh! Jessica fell off her bike and there is a bone sticking out of her leg! What do you do? Take a picture for Instagram and Facebook, obviously. Because how else can you make sure your kid gets the proper care for such an ailment? If you have ever posted a picture of a vomiting episode, rash or bloody body part with the caption "Is this normal?" or "Should we be worried?", you are guilty.
No, it's not normal. Yes, you should be worried. Now take your kid to the stinkin' doctor.
Look, mamas. None of us are perfect. I've been guilty of these offenses a few times myself. But on a regular basis, this kinda stuff is just NUTS. Think before you Facebook.
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