Bladders and Bears and Butts, Oh My!

05/28/2015 04:26 pm ET | Updated May 27, 2016


Vaginal Mesh, Vaginal Sling, Bladder Mesh, Bladder Sling. I have heard these 8 words over the last three months more than I have heard my own name spoken over my 60 years on earth. I don't know what they are. I don't want to know what they are. The visual I conjure in my mind is enough to make me feel I may need an Optical Mesh or Optical Sling.

All I see in my mind is a Vagina being toted in a sling made of mesh, kind of a purse situation if you will or better yet, a wine bladder. (Even though I was a hippie, I could never bring myself to drink out of a wine bladder because well, "bladder"). I'm not sure at all how one totes their own vagina, which perhaps is why the ad is for an attorney.

So, yes, please call the number and get lots and lots of money but for the love of God, do it NOW. I can't watch that commercial every six minutes or hear those 8 words again; they haunt me. And now I have moved on to envisioning some sort of vagina/hammock situation and a banana is trying desperately to photobomb the image in my mind.

While we are on the subject of bladders, how much longer must we endure the desperately needing to pee woman racing to the ladies room? Why does that stupid woman hold hands with her bladder all day? She lets that thing boss her around, basically he is making her his bladder bitch. Bladder boy is already on the outside of her body, why can't he just go find a hole in the wall, pee in it and leave the poor woman alone to finish her bowling game? He's needy, unattractive and annoying and if I were her, I would make him sit there in the bowling alley booth and just piss himself.

Let's move from bladders to butts shall we? What in the ever loving hell is up with those nasty ass (literally) bears? They walk around with dingle berries all over their butts! Even though it is animated, it's still disgusting and Charmin seems to have determined dinner time as prime time to reach their demographic target - everyone who poops! What better time to think about poop than when you are enjoying your dinner!

Teach the kids how to wipe, Mama Bear! We all had to do it, now it's your turn! I should think by now you would have realized that telling your kids that rubbing their butts on a tree isn't taking care of business! I realized it right away when it took me hours to pluck splinters and bark shards out of my son's raw cheeks! Duh!

Then, since apparently there is no "end" to our idiocy when it comes to wiping our own butts, we also have the English woman interviewing people about their hygiene habits in a bowling alley. What is it with Bears, Brits, Bladders, Butts/Bums and bowling alleys??? Not only is she nosing around into everyone's butt business, she then humiliates people who do not wipe their "bums" with paper and THEN with a wet wipe and then toilet paper AGAIN! Really?

She even says "I need a clean alley every time!" She is literally comparing her ass to a bowling alley lane!! Wow, her poops must be huge, hard, round atomic balls that ricochet out at lightning speed whilst creating thunderous sounds! Think of all the clogged toilets? Ahh, nice segue into my next hated

The overflowing septic tank. Although this, too, is an animated commercial, the company that is responsible for this ad spared no money on graphics. A family is basically trapped inside their home because they were too stupid to have their septic tank emptied and now, what once was their perfectly landscaped suburban neighborhood lawn, is literally a sea of poop.

I think the view we see is from the sky, and they have painted the words PLEASE HELP US, THINGS ARE REALLY SHITTY!!! on their roof hoping for FEMA aka (Foul Emissions Medical Assistance) to whisk them away to the nearest bowling alley - where all poop/butt/bum/bladder problems are simply flushed away......

Last but certainly not least, we have the sultry woman luxuriating in a bed, writhing like a cat in heat anticipating her man and his wonder wand. Encased in billowing malaria netting, the bed is totally secluded on the beach and she is draped across the Egyptian cotton sheets basically saying that hey, who cares that it cost 15,000.00 to have a bunch of sweaty men set up a bed on the beach, bring in tables, a minimum of 200 pillows, Aladdin looking lamps, carpeting, wine and sexy hors d' oeuvres only to find her man can't get it up!

In a soft, soothing voice, she is assuring him it will all be ok if he just takes a pill. In reality, any normal woman is going to be saying, "Honey, what are you planning to do with that doughboy situation you've got going on down there? Listen up, rubber dick! You go big or you go home and I mean NOW mister, I'm sweating like a pig out here and damn if there aren't swarms of mosquitoes trying to band together in the shape of a knife to cut through this netting!

This tent is on the beach -no civilization in sight...anywhere! Where do they poop? In the ocean? Ahh, they must have the Brit Bum/Bear/Wipe/Wash combo pack. Or, maybe a Butt Mesh or Butt Sling, we just don't know!

Hopefully, one of them was smart enough to bring copious amounts of toilet paper, several hefty packs of bum wipes, something to inject into that obnoxious yammering bladder to knock him the hell out and upon taking a pill, the impotent man will leave his seductress needing a hobo bag sling to tote her vagina home.

God help them if the director has installed a make shift septic system for them to use, they may end up bobbing endlessly in Dukey Ocean with only an inflated bladder and vaginal mesh sling to keep them afloat.