THE BLOG

Female Genitalia Police

05/22/2015 02:53 pm ET | Updated May 20, 2016

I recently wrote a humorous piece on things I would never subject my vagina to (key word here being humorous). One of the things on my list was waxing. I have nothing against it personally, I am just a quaking coward and at 59 don't feel the need to bare it all.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered there are actually Female Genitalia Police, lots of them, stalking the Interwebz for any and all slang references we ignorant sluts have been venomously spewing to reference our nether regions. Their job is to comment and admonish the author and those commenting for their complete and utter disregard for all things vulva.

In order to earn your Vag Badge, you must pass a daunting test, including labeling a chart of the female reproductive system. I have heard that there are over 532 areas that must be correctly labeled. GASP!

Other than an advanced degree in Latin, the only other requirement is:

Absolutely and with no exception, you may not possess a sense of humor. Ever.

Some have gone so far as to have frontal lobotomies to meet this stringent requirement.

SO listen up ladies! From here on out, we are to use the correct terminology for anything related to our "situation". No more crass references like, snatch, poonanie, love muffin, cooter, beaver, minge, snapper, honey pot, snake charmer, hot pocket....you get the idea.

I hear you snickering and damn it, this is no laughing matter, especially to the Female Genitalia Police (herein referred to as IDIOTS).

Until such time as we have all been properly educated and enlightened, check-in for your next Mimsy Maintenance (doh! I'm going to get a Vulva Violation ticket for that mimsy reference!) may sound something like this:

WALK INTO SPA

Miss Mimsy: "Hi, yes, my name is Miss Mimsy and I have a 2:00 appointment for a Vulva Molten Magma Maintenance."

Receptionist: "Uh, what? We don't do that here, you need to see your OB/GYN for that kind of thing!"

Miss Mimsy: "No, no, you do, you see, because that IS what you are actually waxing. Your vagina is the inside part, dear, the tunnel of love, the sausage shroud, you know, the love glove! You must use the proper terminology. One cannot wax a vagina, silly one, it's the VULVA that actually gets waxed.

Oh, and I want you to tell my technician to be particularly attentive when it comes to me left Labia Majora (leaning in whispering) - there was a Spanx elastic snapping "incident" that is simply still to traumatic for me to speak of.

Also, my Mons Pubus area is quite sore, I slept with a very vigorous lover, he was, well, how shall I put this,....an over-zealous humper. My God, he was like the Energizer Bunny on methamphetamine but alas, I digress.

Receptionist: I'm so sorry to hear that ma'am, I don't mean to be rude but I think you are in the wrong place.

Miss Mimsy: Dear, I am in the proper place, this is The Landing Strip - the one that advertises "We don't scare, there's nowhere we won't dare to bare", yes?

Receptionist: Yes, ma'am we are but we are a spa, you know, a salon. We do hair, nails, and waxing. We don't so any major pubus stuff. I don't even know what that is and I've worked here six whole weeks! I think you want the clinic two blocks down on the right.

Miss Mimsy: As I indicated before, I will need some firm assurance that my Posterior Labial Commissure and my Labia Minora will most definitely not be touched, not touched at all. While we are being so brutally honest here, I must report to you that my overly enthusiastic lover of which I spoke earlier was also a bit clumsy in his desire to please and inadvertently entered my rectum. Oh my, it was quite the surprise, I must say, painful really, he was quite well endowed and hard as rock. He was stabbing and poking me with that giant penis like a plastic surgeon with his lipo wand - but to my point, dear, I will need my anus handled with the utmost delicacy. I can tell you that while I am not a gymnast and could not view the area with my magnifying hand mirror, the entire region is quite inflamed already.

Receptionist: Lady, look, I am really busy here. I don't have a fucking clue what you are talking about and I have a lot of shit to do so what exactly is it you expect me to do here?

Miss Mimsy: OH ALRIGHT, DAMNIT!!

Gimme a full on Brazilian snatch wax, easy on the butthole! And no inexperienced little twat tech trainee, I need an experienced carpet cleaner for this hag shag! I did get shitfaced the other night and went home with a dude who was hung like a horse and took quite a pounding so I'll also be needing a bottle of Merlot and a 10mg valium.

Receptionist: Damn, lady, why didn't you just say that in the first place!