THE BLOG

The No More Lists List

06/15/2015 01:59 pm ET | Updated Jun 14, 2016

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I am unwilling to accept the new list style of blogging that seems to be trending now. Here's why.

1. Can we no longer read a story? Really? Most blog sites want you to limit your word count to 700-800 words. How hard can it be to follow along?

2. Lists are dismissive. They dismiss everything we learned about writing in Catholic grade school. The only time you included a list in a story were:

  • a. Table of Contents

  • b. The Ten Commandments
  • c. The twelve apostles
  • 3. Other lists for Catholic elementary school included:

    • a. A list of all the heinous sins you had committed at age 6 to confess to Monseigneur Neverenoughpenanceforasinfulchild at Confession every Friday

  • b. Reasons you were surely going to burn in hell
  • c. Tempting tidbits to bring the next day to trade away your egg salad sandwich that will have halfway rotted by lunchtime in a box in the 90-degree weather.
  • 4. Lists are not writing for God's sake. Is there a Pulitzer for lists?

    Someone suggested I take all my published blog posts, rewrite them as lists, and submit them as new and unpublished content since many sites want fresh, original work. How can that be writing? That is cheating revising.

    5. Lists are for:

    • a. Groceries

  • b. Errands
  • c. Tasks to be done by significant other
  • d. Proof that you DID tell significant other to accomplish the list of tasks while you were accomplishing a. and b. (above)
  • e. Foods you are not allowed to have on your diet but will justify having
  • f. Foods you are allowed to have on your diet and will justify not having
  • g. Things you actually CAN buy from Costco in the 40lb container and use
  • h. Using the pros and cons method to decide on that divorce you've been pondering
  • i. Which bills get paid this month and which don't
  • j. Thing to pack for summer vacation with children
  • k. Alcoholic beverages to take to survive summer vacation with children
  • l. Children not to leave behind when leaving for summer vacation
  • 6. Lists are insulting to real readers. Sure, some lazy readers want to save time tackling a list, but how is that time saved you ask? Cheating skimming. They don't want to read the actual words we toil over. They want to skim through with the blink of an eye and feel as though they actually read something.

    7. Many people still like to read enough to have something to ponder, digest and perhaps even offer some commentary once finished. What commentary is there for a list?

    • a. "Number 6 is a lie!"

  • b. "Oh, and number 4 - you ignorant slut!"
  • 8. Lists are annoying. They are not fun nor are they challenging to write so I am officially done with them.

    9. In closing my No More Lists List, I would just like to say:

    • a. Thank you

  • b. I'm grateful you took time out of your busy day to read this
  • c. I love chocolate
  • d. Wine