THE BLOG

The Real Deal on Mother's Day

05/06/2015 06:01 pm ET | Updated May 06, 2016
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Oh boy, another Mother's Day! YAY!

Is that you? Are you excited because your loving husband and children will make you French toast and fresh ground coffee and deliver it to you in bed for breakfast? Are you excited because you know when you've been adequately sated, you will descend your staircase into an array of beautiful, spring flowers and the heavenly aroma that accompanies them? Oh, and the gifts, there will be gifts for Mom!

Then, an hour or two of mom worship, foot rubs and selecting butter creme's from your 20 lb. ginormous box of Russell Stover Assorted Super Dark Chocolates specially packaged for Mother's Day, to be followed by a relaxing mid-morning snooze for all. What then you say?

Well, we know. It'll be just about dinner time and those crazy kids and their fantastic father are going to set up the grill for your Filet Mignon and chill the champagne for the well-deserved toast to usher in the one of a kind Best Mom in the World, 24" trophy made of the world's finest plastic which will beautifully adorn your mantle. While rattling off all of your amazing and basically impossible accomplishments, dad and the kids will be presenting the large sheet cake with the words "We Love You, Mom" hand written by the grocery store's top calligrapher!

A perfect end to a perfect day with the perfect family. Exciting, right?

Here is the Hallmark Hell reality that IS Mother's Day.

Yeah, you get the breakfast in bed which is impossible to eat without spilling it all over yourself while the kids jump on the bed chanting, "Do you like it, Mom, do you? Do you really like it?" (Yeah, that is dad you see jumping also). You'll also spill it all over your comforter and sheet set so before descending down that staircase, you will need to strip the bed.

The spring flowers and heavenly aroma awaiting you at the foot of the stairs? There's an aroma alright -- the cat just got through pissing in the Azalea pot and is now happily thrusting mounds of dirt all over the carpet, covering up her Mother's Day gift to you.

After you take that last step down the staircase, put your armful of French toast, coffee, sheets and comforter down for a minute to grab that vacuum and Hoover mini-carpet cleaner out of the closet.

Gift time!! YAY!! Bring 'em on, on you say? Great, the chocolate is coming and the only gift other than your beautiful Cat Piss Azalea is in a box the kids are dragging toward you. "Close your eyes, Mom, it's a surprise! We did it all ourselves, too!" "Ok, open 'em!" Yes, you see it correctly, every mother's dream - a box turtle the kids found over in the Sullivan's yard!!

Yeah, you'll be needing to make a cage for that wily bastard because Mr. Turtle has already pissed and pooped over the one fig producing branch that is in his cage, yeah the one from your coveted fig tree.

On to the foot rubs and chocolate selecting. The kids reach down to remove your slippers only to exclaim in disgust that your feet are "gross" and "they aren't touching them" and you are "not the boss of them" and "can't make them touch them". Alriiiighty then.

Chocolate fixes everything, right? Put your slippers back on to cover your cloven hooves and before your fingers get smudged with chocolate, pop down to the basement and get those sheets working! Walking through the kitchen? May as well grab the dust pan and broom to clean up the cat piss mud awaiting you so the mini-cleaner (that really can't handle more than a small mass of clear cat vomit with a few blades of grass in it) won't be over taxed.

Ahh, the chocolates you say? Yes, sit and relax, Mom. The kids are bringing that box now. Wow, they must love you, it's so big it takes both of them to carry it! What's that? It's open, huh? Hmmm, oh well, plenty there for everyone, right? Reach in there and grab away. As you work your way through the many empty little brown candy coverlet thingies and actually find a piece, you instantly realize that someone (?) has poked their finger in the bottom of each piece so they can secretly tell what the filling inside is. Don't get mad. We all know that once those little buggars get scattered around, that candy chart is useless! Now it just basically a snatch and grab event so don't be shy, start swatting those greedy little hands and grab away.

According to the delightful day all planned out for you so you don't have to do a thing, it's time for the family snooze of contentment. Ahhh, look, the kids and dad are already fast asleep, no doubt from all their hard labor making everything perfect for you, Mom! Yeah, about that nap. You have some things to catch up on first.

Put the sheets in the dryer and shove the way too big to fit in your machine coffee soaked comforter into the washer.

Sweep up the cat piss mud and then mini-clean the carpet back to its pre-Mother's Day high gloss luster. Vacuum.

Run back to the hallway real quick and get those left over breakfast dishes to add to the already overflowing mountain of pots, pans, dishes and is that a turkey baster over there? Yes! By gosh it is! Better just take the 45 minutes necessary to load that dishwasher up so there will be clean dishes for dinner. Wooops, it's full you say? Those crazy kids!!

Why yes, Mom, that IS Mr. Turtle walking through your kitchen with that one prized fig in his mouth. Better get to that chicken wire in the shed and start that perfect turtle habitat cage before Mr.Turtle and Miss Kitty have a scuffle!

All done? Awesome!

Just in time, Mom, the kids and hubs are waking up from their 3 hour snooze. Poor things, they must be exhausted after all the festivities and just think, there's still dinner and dessert!! WOOT!!!

As the house fills with the sweet perfume of propane gas you know that can only mean one thing! Good ol' dad has started the grill for dinner. He's given the kids strict instructions that they, NOT YOU, need to bring out all the fixin's for your feast. There they go, little darlings, one with the meat, the other with the cole slaw....oh, darn, almost made it, too. That's a LOT of slaw all over the kitchen floor and what a surprise, there's no one there to help clean up! Grab those Bounty Quicker Picker Uppers, hell, according to the commercial, you'll only need one for all 40 lbs. of sloppy slaw.

Wow, that meat fest was great. Nothing like Filet Mignon and Filet Mignon for dinner. Mmmmm mmmm. Better just grab all the plates and silverware to begin the second massive mountain of dishes that will soon pile up.

COME ON DOWN, MOM!! Time for cake and champagne! Here you go, have this 8x10 slab o' cake to eat! Yum. Those 4" thick frosting letters on top of the already 3 inch layer of frosting sure look tasty. What better dessert to have after meat fest, right? Oh, and here's your champagne and look how cute, it's mixed in with what was left of your coffee this morning because the kids know that's your favorite cup! Talk about perfect!

Time for the main event, Mom - your trophy! Everyone can see you're excited, well they could if you would just move that slab of cake away from your face...there ya go!

Dad has decided to present the trophy himself with a few well-chosen words about what a wonderful mom you are and darn it, just how special you are to him, too! Here you go, mom, enjoy! What a fantastic 20 second speech that was, too. You won't be forgetting that one anytime soon!

And with a few well deserved "I love you, Mom" pats on the back, everyone wants you to come join in the crazy tom foolery and shenanigans of .... Yes you guessed it, CINDERELLA!!! AGAIN!!! Fabulous!

But before you settle in, you may want to empty the dishwasher, fill it again, take the sheets upstairs and make the bed, oh, don't forget to put the half-washed comforter in the dryer while you're down there, grab the 10 lbs. of leftover meat still outside, shoo the flies off and get that wrapped up for Meat Fest 2 - The Sequel playing tomorrow night. Don't forget to water Mr. Turtle and the cat, feed the cat. Oh, that's a good reminder to empty that overflowing litter box, too, Mom. It sure stinks! You'll probably want to pack up those books and Wedgewood China pieces on the mantle to make room for your oh so plastic, giant trophy so the kids' feelings won't be hurt.

OK, it's finally time for bed, what you've really been wanting to get back into all day long! Ahhh..

Hubs slithers in beside you and is sure you're going to want to reward all his hard work and planning with a "No, Big Daddy, you let Mama do all the work now" porno-worthy romp in the sack! Good times.

Don't forget: The comforter is still in the dryer.