Hit Her Once, She'll Shoot You Dead: Did Janice Soprano Have It Right?

During the second season of The Sopranos (still generally considered to be one of the best television shows of all time), Janice Soprano was totally in love with and happily engaged to Richie Aprile. But when Richie hit her in the face for the first time, Janice picked Richie's own gun off of the table and shot him dead.

Did Janice Soprano have it right? And would the epidemic of violence against women in this country be halted if, for a short time, every woman who was physically or sexually abused killed her abuser immediately? Certainly the word would get out that women are no longer to be beaten, raped and terrorized by their intimate partners. And I am guessing that in a few months, levels of violence against women would drop dramatically.

What would cause a pacifist, peace-loving person like myself to ask such questions, to envision such a scenario? I'm not a man-hater; on the contrary, I love men-ask anyone I've ever dated. And yet, when I watched Janice -- still stunned from being punched in the face -- shoot Richie Aprile in the chest, I felt a thrill of justice.

I spent eight years working on the local, state and national levels in the movement to end domestic violence; I am an expert on violence against women. In the three years I worked as a bilingual advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I spoke to over 25,000 victims of domestic violence, friends and family of victims, and perpetrators of violence. I have an extensive anecdotal knowledge of the issue of domestic violence in the United States. And what I know is that the vast majority of intimate partner violence is committed by men against women.*

My former work in the movement to end domestic violence taught me how the criminal justice system fails victims. Protective orders are often not granted, or if granted are not enforced. Dual arrest of victims and offenders makes victims unwilling to call law enforcement. Witness tampering against domestic violence victims runs rampant and is rarely prosecuted.

I have learned how the civil court system fails victims and their children. Research shows that abusive men are more likely than non-abusive men to seek custody of their children, and men who seek custody of their children are much more likely than women to be awarded custody. (One five year study in Orange County, North Carolina put on by The Committee for Justice for Women showed that "in all contested custody cases, 84 percent of the fathers in the study were granted sole or mandated joint custody.") This often forces women who leave their abusers to surrender their children to these same violent men. Consider that the next time you ask yourself why she doesn't "just leave."

I have learned that support networks for women seeking to leave abusive relationships are abysmally inadequate. A 24-hour census of domestic violence shelters and services conducted by the National Network to End Domestic Violence in 2008 found that in one day, nearly 9,000 requests for assistance for domestic violence survivors were unmet in the U.S. because of limited funding. And women who do manage to leave often become homeless or are forced to return to their abusers because of an inability to support themselves and their children. According to the National Association for Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (NACCRRA), childcare for two small children in Texas costs approximately $14,101 a year, which almost equals a minimum wage worker's gross income of $15,080.00.

According to the National Center for Children in Poverty (NCCP), in many states, welfare (now called Temporary Assistance for Needy Families or TANF) pays a mere $200 a month for a single-parent family of three. And in more than one-third of states, a single-parent family of three is not even eligible for cash assistance from TANF unless they make less than $9,266 a year. Because of such harsh economic realities, making it on their own with children remains a financial impossibility for many women who simply cannot earn enough money to pay childcare, rent, food, healthcare and transportation. (Again, please keep this in mind next time you are tempted to ask yourself why many abused women don't "just leave.")

Knowledge of the epidemic rates of abuse of women and the barriers that prevent them from escaping violent relationships are what have brought me to imagine a world where men who commit violence against women learn immediately and inexorably that such violence will not be tolerated.

But while I might cheer on the fictional Janice Soprano as she murders the fictional Richie Aprile, I would never advocate for women who have been abused to take such action in real life. There are obvious moral reasons for this, but there are practical reasons as well. After shooting Richie, Janice called her mob boss brother Tony Soprano to take care of cleaning up the mess and disposing of the body. And so Janice experienced no consequences from the murder except for her own grief.

Not so for real-life victims of domestic violence who murder their abusers. The study "Convicted Survivors: The Imprisonment of Battered Women Who Kill" by Elizabeth Ann Dermody Leonard demonstrates that 95.4 percent of battered women who kill their abusers are convicted of either first or second-degree murder and sentenced to lengthy prison terms.

And so my intentionally inflammatory question -- Did Janice Soprano have it right? -- is meant to be purely rhetorical. But I would encourage both more understanding and support for women being abused, and more accountability in our communities for men who abuse women. We can all start simple: if someone we know is being abused, we can ask, "How can I support you? What do you need?" And if someone we know behaves abusively or violently towards their partner, we can tell them directly their behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop.

*Research supports my anecdotal experience. Studies such as Michael S. Kimmel's "Gender Symmetry in Domestic Violence: a Substantive and Methodological Research" consistently show "that more than 90 percent of 'systematic, persistent, and injurious' violence is perpetrated by men."

If you or someone you know is being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the Love is Respect Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474. To live chat with an advocate online or find more information, go to www.loveisrespect.com or www.thehotline.com.

 

 

 

Follow Mary Pauline Lowry on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MaryPLowry

Comments

[graciela88]

06:01 PM on 11/11/2011

The problem with the MRAs' 50/50 stat is that it is based on flawed studies that only rely on the Conflict Tactics Scale to describe intimate partner violence. That scale treats all physical violence as the same regardless of severity. In other words, it treats a woman slapping a man to be the same thing as a man throwing a woman down the stairs. It does not account for how severe the injuries are either. It treats a man with a bruise like a woman in a coma. It omits all violence committed after a breakup, when a woman is more likely to be injured or killed. Finally, it does not distinguish between mild and moderate common couple violence and severe battering. Women are less likely to batter men, mostly because they tend to be physically smaller and weaker than men.

http://english.ohmynews.com/articleview/article_view.asp?menu=c10400&no=383404&rel_no=1

[Targa3141]

10:37 PM on 09/26/2011

Avoid women like this LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!!

[Mark Neil]

03:33 PM on 09/26/2011

"I'm not a man-hater; on the contrary, I love men-ask anyone I've ever dated. "

The fact you have established exceptions doesn't make the initial premise incorrect. In fact, how many of those ex's would still say you don't hate them/men? Your premise here, your "rhetorical" question, suggests otherwise.

"And what I know is that the vast majority of intimate partner violence is committed by men against women.* "

So, you have anecdotal evidence that supports the idea that men perpetrate DV against women in the vast majority of cases. Let me ask you this, in all your work dealing with DV victims, etc, was this at a shelter or agency that encouraged male victims to come? Or was it one of those women only places? It's dishonest to point to the fact that only female victims came forward when you garnered your experience at a location that rejected men. PS, Kimmil's a hack, Pandering to the DV industry that feeds him and makes him wealthy. It isn't profitable to go against the DV industry, Just ask Erin Pizzey, the founder of the women's shelter concept. Or look into Patricia Overberg's history with feminists and DV industry folks.

[zaqwsx123]

01:19 PM on 09/22/2011

http://www.mediaradar.org/reports.php

http://www.saveservices.org/reports/

[Bigjon87121]

11:24 AM on 09/20/2011

Can I man ever be forgiven for hitting a woman?

[RationalAnimal]

12:37 PM on 09/27/2011

Can a woman ever be forgiven for hitting a man?

[minerva117]

10:56 AM on 09/20/2011

Early on in my marriage to my late husband, he would get "physical" with me from time to time. I finally told him (I got the idea from a book I was reading) that if he ever raised a hand to me again, I would kill him. He told me I wasn't big enough and my response was "Yeah, but you gotta sleep sometime.......and I prepare all of your food". We were together almost 3 decades and he never did raise a hand to me again, so I guess it worked.

[DMeadows]

08:42 AM on 09/20/2011

While unjustified shooting should never be ethically or legally condoned, certainly women have a right to defend themselves, with a level of force necessary up to and including lethal force.

Women are continuing to grow as a proportion of both concealed weapons classes and the population that possesses a firearm for self-defense. When it comes to choosing between becoming another violent crime statistic or being a survivor for the future of their children and family, more and more women are taking steps to ensure the latter outcome.

[Targa3141]

10:38 PM on 09/26/2011

Men do, too. If my wife hit me, I'd pick up that gun and defend myself against her battery!
I totally agree with you - shoot first, ask questions later!!!

[Dan Zeta]

05:33 PM on 09/19/2011

Michael Kimmel really isn't much of an expert on domestic violence, at least not compared to those who have spent decades studying the issues. See the following by the NFVLRC criticizing Michael Kimmel selective bias.

Transforming a flawed policy: A call to revive psychology and science in
domestic violence research and practice.
http://www.nfvlrc.org/docs/DuttonCorvo.policypaper.pdf

[Dan Zeta]

04:38 PM on 09/19/2011

Failing to treat all victims and perpetrators of domestic violence has been the great failure of feminism. If we fail to treat the real problem of family violence then we will only perpetuate the cycle of family violence that is taught to children.

[DMeadows]

08:53 AM on 09/20/2011

The real problem at the root of family violence is people laying their hands violently on other people, to get down to the brass tacks of it. And to get down to more brass tacks, everyone from about the age of 4 on up knows laying hands on violently on others is wrong, not right, and NOT TO DO IT.

If someone claims they have to be "treated" before they get the above, they're looking for excuses for their behavior and you should be careful not to enable that.

[Mark Neil]

12:16 PM on 09/27/2011

"And to get down to more brass tacks, everyone from about the age of 4 on up knows laying hands on violently on others is wrong, not right, and NOT TO DO IT."

We've been told from a young age not to hit girls. We've been taught to defend ourselves against boys, and we've seen on TV that slapping a man across the face because he looked at you funny is not only acceptable, it is almost expected for undesirable behavior. And a Knee or foot to the nads is standard for persistent or particularly vulgar men. So don't play the "everyone knows violence against anyone is wrong" card.

[Dan Zeta]

04:37 PM on 09/19/2011

“Reports from the WHO (Archer, 2006) also make it clear than in many countries around the world, particularly where women have little political or socioeconomic power, women represent the much larger share of IPV victims. However, the most reliable population of surveys indicate that in Western industrialized democracies such as the United States and Canada, where they enjoy higher status, women engage in physical aggression at rates comparable to men (Archer, 2000; Fiebert, 2004; Straus & Gelles, 1990) and are as likely or more likely to be the initiators (DeMaris, 1992; Morse, 1995; Dutton et al., 1999; Straus, 1993; Williams & Frieze, 2005).”

“Shernock’s (2005) analysis of over 2000 IPV incidents in Vermont revealed that men were categorized as perpetrators 3.2 times more often than women on the initial police report, but subsequently arrested 9 times as often. At issue is the extent to which this pattern of gender bias reflects flawed “dominant aggressor” guidelines and assumptions about IPV based on discredited sociopolitical theories of patriarchy”

“Victimized males do not have access to services because of the assumption that they are only minimally impacted by IPV. This assumption, however, runs contrary to an overwhelming body of research evidence. A significant minority of IPV-related physical injuries, between 25% and 43%, are incurred by men (Archer, 2000; Laroch; Mirrlees-Black, 1999; Straus, 2004; Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000), and men are the victims in nearly a quarter of intimate homicides (Rennison, 2003)”

http://www.nfvlrc.org/docs/NFVLRC_2_.Policy.statement.pdf

[HelloDollyLlama]

04:19 PM on 09/19/2011

If you're in a jam, contact the local domestic-violence groups, which are much more effective than the national organizations.

[karmarunsoverdogma]

03:38 PM on 09/19/2011

Do you really believe that of all those children who come to domestic abuse shelters, that only the little girls will grow up to be abused, and therefore the little boys will grow up to be abusers? It's at least a 50/50 chance that they will grow up to be either. Until we approach domestic violence as a PEOPLE problem, we will have little chance of making enough positive change to stem the abuse. I am a woman and a mother and I am for ALL of my children, not just the female ones.

[karmarunsoverdogma]

03:37 PM on 09/19/2011

he was trying to hurt her first, she had to fight him off so hard, and that is why he had so many injuries. The injustices we have now built into our legal and court systems in order to "protect" women and children are many and nearly insurmountable for the average male victim of abuse. We are doing a much better job of helping women and children victims of domestic abuse, but we are doing no job at all of helping male victims of the same type of abuse. I called many domestic abuse hot-lines and shelters seeking help for my son, and was told that there were no facilities or entities willing or able to help them. There are no domestic abuse shelters in the United States, and probably anywhere, who serve the male population of victims, which is substantially larger than you describe. My son had no opportunity for escape with his children into a shelter, so he could start over, all fully funded by the government. So he stayed, until he could take no more, because he feared for his life and that of his children. He is now in a custody battle for his children, and he has had to fight twice as hard to be heard, and to receive any fair treatment from the courts, because she, of course, has played the victim well.

[Mark Neil]

03:10 PM on 09/26/2011

You're fooling yourself if you honestly believe children are included in the help provided. Children are only included as side-effect of helping women. The children of abusive women have no recourse, as they're father has no options, with two notable exceptions. There is one abuse refuge that admits men in California (Vally Oasis), and they have received a great deal of feminist and DV shelter backlash for doing so. The other is some small place in Alberta Canada. I've read they received a court ordered grant of $1,500 by a judge who placed a male victim there and ordered the government to fund the shelter for his stay.

http://www.state.hi.us/spo2/health/rfp103f/attachments/rfp7411265074918.pdf

Page 66
Section 2
Service Specifications
I. Introduction
G. Limitations on STOP Program Funding

"With certain exceptions, STOP Program funded services must be specific to adult victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, or dating violence.
• Children’s services supported by STOP Program funds must show an inextricable link and be the direct result of providing services to an adult victim of violence against women. For example, STOP Program funds may support the expansion of battered women’s shelter services to include programs for children of the battered women residing in the shelter."

Yes, you are reading that right... Under the current VAWA STOP funding guidelines, CHILDREN MAY NOT BE HELPED unless there is a direct link to helping women too.

[karmarunsoverdogma]

03:36 PM on 09/19/2011

Ms. Lowry, you have set back the movement to stop domestic violence against anyone, whether they be female, male, or transgender, by centuries with your an eye-for-an-eye rhetoric. You claim to be an expert in domestic violence, yet you quote only your "anecdotal" experience, and one study which continues to perpetrate the myth, and I do mean myth, that domestic violence is still, and has always been a male against female issue. Your primary objection against women shooting their supposed perpetrator of violence against them, is that they might actually get caught for the crime and be held accountable for their actions. Isn't this what the movement you describe is actually attempting to do, by holding abusers accountable for their actions? Yet somehow if it is women committing violence against men, we should suddenly give them a free pass for murder, however justified in your sight?! I am the mother of a long-term male victim of domestic violence; I watched for ten long years as my son was constantly hit, choked, bitten, attacked with weapons or whatever was handy to the abuser, abused in every possible way. I then watched as he was in turn repeatedly arrested for domestic abuse, according to the Duluth Model, as his abuser suddenly became the poor victim, even though she suffered no injuries and my son had multiple hospitalizations for his injuries. All she had to tell the police was that, of course, because she claimed

[Mary Pauline Lowry]

03:29 PM on 09/19/2011

"And so my intentionally inflammatory question -- Did Janice Soprano have it right? -- is meant to be purely rhetorical."

[Graham Russell]

03:33 PM on 09/19/2011

`does`nt sound that way when you say you got a thrill from it.comes across quite diffrent from what you may have meant.

[Roland3337]

09:05 PM on 09/19/2011

By doing so, you support the cultural zeitgeist of violence against men.