Pitcher Park: In Honor Of My Two Sons

On one of the most beautiful days of this past summer, July 15, 2008, I received the phone call that every Mother prays she never gets. I was told that two of my four sons had disappeared underwater at Kinzua Reservoir while on a camping trip with their Father, Uncle and two friends. While Vincent (21 years old) was fishing on the water's edge, Stephen (19 years old) jumped off the James Morrison Bridge and was injured. Vincent ripped off his clothes and swam out to save his brother. Both boys disappeared under water, and were not found until seven hours later. Vincent was still holding on to his little brother -- he would not let go, even in death.

The beginning of the tragedy was caught on Vincent's camera -- there is a video of Stephen falling from the bridge and hitting the water. You can hear Vincent screaming Stephen's name and then the camera drops to the ground. I cannot bring myself to watch it. All I know is Vincent sacrificed his life to try to save his brother. Although he didn't make it, what more can a Mother ask for, than to have instilled such loyalty and selflessness in her sons? I taught my sons to watch out for each other, and I know now I did my job well, as any one of my four sons would have done the same thing not only for each other but for anyone. Brady (age 24) was on his way to join his two brothers on their camping trip. He got there only to see his brothers' bodies being pulled out of the rescue boat. This is a sight that I and Jonathan (age 26) were spared but a sight that will be hard for everyone there to forget. Brotherly love is a very strong bond and I firmly believe that neither Vincent nor Stephen would have ever been the same if either one or the other would have made it and the other one didn't.

Vincent and Stephen were well-rounded, respectful, fun-loving, and very caring young men with such bright futures. When they died, a part of me died. You read and hear about stories like this on the news, but you never think anything like this could ever happen to you, but it did. All my life, I protected and nurtured my sons. I kept them busy and out of trouble by keeping them active, but I have to admit they kept me active too! With four sons, I had to quit my "regular" job to do my job right as a Mother. With very little money, it took a lot of imagination to keep them busy. We fished and camped, and they played every sport known to man. Yes, I hovered over them. I sure did. It was my job as a Mother to watch over them, talk to their friends, find out what was up, stay in tune with what was going on in their worlds, and try to mold them into good men to go out into the world. As all Mothers know, it sometimes feels like a thankless job, but thank God I did everything I did, because it is only for that reason I have no regrets. I was with them every step of the way and more importantly they were with me, and they always will be.

People say to me, "I don't know how you're doing it." They just look at me and start to cry. At times, I honestly can tell you I don't know what is getting me through this. I know now what it feels like when shock takes over your whole body and mind. I wondered how I was going to be able to stand at the funeral home with two caskets filled with the bodies of my babies. When I walked into the room I felt their spirits there. They told me they were sorry they had to leave me. Stephen apologized for jumping and Vince apologized for not being able to save Stephen. I felt a sense of immediate peace, somehow just by knowing they were together as they always were and not alone.

My sons touched thousands of people's lives in their short lifetimes. They had more true friends than I ever had in my entire life! At the funeral home, I didn't have to worry about passing out because I was being held up by hugging one person after another. Thousands of people filed through the funeral home and the grief of the entire community became very apparent. I found myself consoling them on my sons' behalf, and the consoling hasn't stopped as the community that these boys touched with their grace and joy continues to grieve. As their Mother, I knew I had to do something to help all the friends and families that my sons had touched and those people who have cared so deeply for my sons throughout the years.

Stephen and Vincent were very loving young men, and I knew they wouldn't want the community to feel so devastated over their loss. I felt compelled to bring all the grieving people together, to help us all heal by doing something good for our community in their honor. Vincent was an avid BMX biker and Stephen an enthusiastic skateboarder and rollerblader, and in our community there was never a place you could legally or safely bike, skateboard, or rollerblade. Since many of their friends and other young people in the area have a great passion for these sports, I decided to see if anyone might be interested in helping me build a professionally-designed skate park in our community.

The idea for "Pitcher Park" gave me a focus and purpose, and at first I thought I must just be acting on sheer nerves; but the outpouring of support has been amazing. Businesses, contractors, individuals within the community, and even total strangers are all joining together to help in this grass-roots effort to transform a tragic ending into a new beginning for the community that these two boys loved and that loved them back so much.

It seemed everyone had ideas and everyone knew someone who could do something or donate things we needed to get this off the ground. The enthusiasm from all was remarkable! So at a time when I felt so all alone, I soon realized I certainly wasn't at all. First, we had to do research on designing the skate park and investigate what materials we would need to make "Pitcher Park" a reality. Then we set out to see how we could start raising money by doing fundraisers, and try to make them "fun" in spite of the severe grief and sense of loss that was consuming us. I'm here to tell you, the entire community rose to the occasion in an amazing fashion.

Although they would be totally embarrassed by all this fuss about them, Stephen and Vincent knew that I would do something like this, and when I see these young adults and their parents and people we don't know all coming together...IT IS SO WONDERFUL! We had a "Hair Cut-a-Thon" with five beauticians who cut hundreds of heads of hair and raised over $3,000; the owner of the salon didn't even know my sons but she wanted to get involved to help. The American Legion donated a hall so we could have a "Spook-tacular" Halloween costume party where parents and their kids came together and sang karaoke, danced, and competed for prizes. Stephen's girlfriend Samantha stole the show when she showed up as a glow-in-the-dark angler fish, a unique and imaginative costume she made all by herself!

Then a local pool hall invited us to use their place to shoot pool and invited bands to play. We had never met the owners, but found out sadly, they too had lost a son, at 23, and felt compelled to help. 125 people came to hear three bands and play pool with their families and friends. Next up was bowling - a big favorite here, so the local lanes allowed us to have "All Night Bowling" and 180 night-owls came out to play. We ran out of lanes and food but people still flowed in the door just to be a part of this rowdy adventure.

To date we have raised almost $12,000 -- all by coming together and having fun, which is something my sons would have wanted for all of us. Just seeing parents and their children together doing something fun warms my heart, especially in light of the tragedy that struck my family. I see now how deeply important being together really is, because you just never know...

We have a long way to go financially, but there are many more "fun" fundraisers planned -- an alumni hockey game for which we are trying to get "Sid the Kid" on the ice or any other celebrity who would like to show off his skills; a huge Spaghetti Dinner at a wonderful youth-oriented Church; a St. Paddy's Day celebration for all to enjoy with my son Jonathan's newly formed Irish Band; and a Winter Pig Roast with sled riding and a bonfire. All these adventures are being planned by different people who are contacting me to put them together, everyone giving so selflessly of their time and effort and love to make our dream a reality.

"Pitcher Park" has given us all a goal to work towards together and a sense of hope, at a time when the world seems so dismal to many young people and their families. I'm not sure how to deal with the Holidays yet and I am still crying every day over of the loss of my sons, but it is because of them and the way they lived their lives that I must see this through for everyone who was touched by them. I don't want people to cry anymore when they see me. I want them to rally with me and see that despite it all that they too can make a difference. We can all work and have fun together to make "Pitcher Park " happen in honor of Vincent and Stephen, and help my community and my family to heal.

I invite you to visit our website, to celebrate my boys and share in our joy: Pitcher Park. And if you'd like to make a contribution, click here to view a list of some of our needs or here to donate by credit card.

Comments

[tookie232]

Your goal to take the most sorrowful event in a parent's life and spin it into something positive for a community in Pittsburgh's South Hills is truly inspiring. You've poured so much effort into accomplishing your goal. Good luck in turning your vision into a reality.

[Mary Pitcher - Huffpost Blogger]

Thankfully, what started out as just an idea in the midst of tragedy, has turned into a healing project for the whole community. There is much more to be done and although I am, tired and very drained from the daily sorrow in my heart, the people around me are stepping up and taking initiative and putting their effort into this project and TOGETHER we will build Pitcher Park

Everyone's thoughts, prayers, and comments of encouragement are certainly appreciated as at a time like this especially over the Holidays and with Vince's 22nd birthday on January 12 coming, it doesn't seem to be getting any easier at all, but we all must take it day by day. That is the only way one can deal with all of this.

[JenniferInMO]

Mary,
I wish I could hug you. I am not a mother, but I lost my best friend when I was 16. On her 16th birthday, my best friend (24/7 friend) suddenly went into a coma for no apparent reason. Weeks later, after never regaining consciousness she was the first Toxic Shock Syndrome death.

I walked through the next few months like a zombie. I worked with the student council to raise money for the local Children's Hospital where she lost the battle for her life. I stood by her mother, father and 4 y/o sister as more than 1,000 people showed for the visitation. It had to be extended to 3 days to accommodate everyone. It was amazing to see how many people took time out to show their support.

Soon after, I just started going back to school and stopped talking to her parents. I didn't talk to my parents about it and my parents didn't know what to say to me, so they gave me lots of hugs but said nothing.

Time went by. I had problems at first during college because I had always assumed it would be the two of us. At every milestone in my life I felt an emptiness for her and for her parents. I don't think of her as often as I first did and it isn't as painful. Time does help. But every once in awhile I am sad.

(cont. in reply)

[JenniferInMO]

Her parents tried to contact me year after year, but I just couldn't talk to them. As years went by I ran into her parents a few times and it was wonderful to see them. Their loving hugs were comforting. They gave me their number, but I never called. I guess I was afraid of causing them pain by reminding them of that awful time.

I am now 45 years old and it has taken a long time to get this through my head but I should have called them. They needed me and I needed them. We could have worked through it together. I wouldn't have been a painful reminder, I would have been a loving reminder. And seeing them would not have caused me pain, it would have helped me to heal.

I recommend to all of Vincent and Stephen's friends if you find yourself not dealing with your grief, if you still feel numb or have problems coping please find a grief counselor. I wish I had. It would have saved me years of struggles and I would have been able to remember my friend with smiles instead of tears much more quickly. Mary needs you and I am sure she wants you to be there to remind her of her two beautiful sons.

Hearing about your tragedy has convinced me that it is time for me to call. I will do that in the morning.

Thank you.

[metronyc]

Jennifer,
Did you call?

[Tom5605]

I knew Vince and Stevie for years and grew closer to them the past few years. I was especially close to Vince having spent a lot of time practicing in our rock band and playing a few shows as well. Vince had a passion for our music and he loved performing as well as listening to his favorite bands, many of them I listened to for the first time through him. He was also a good friend to me and I respected him because of his strength. I also had the opportunity to get to know Stevie and we had a few interested conversations as well as good laughs. I miss them both.

[Piper1982]

HuffPost's Pick

Wow, what can I say here? A lot. I'm just trying to find a way to compose it all. Mary, you know I loved your boys like none other, and not a day goes by where I don't think about good times I had with Vince listening to GWAR and MASTODON, or the indepth conversations I had with Stevie, or the numerous rounds of rockband we played together. I can guarantee you that they are in a better place. Most definitely. This is undoubtedly so. I can remember when I got the news. My world was shattered. I lost two guys whom I considered brothers. I don't even smoke, I can tell you for sure, that night I did. Shortly after everything had happened I got my first big paycheck from work. With that paycheck I got a tattoo right on my sternum in honor of the boys. Now I show this tattoo to everyone, and I get the same response "That must've really hurt," and I'll confess, yeah, it did sting a little, but it was nothing compared to what I felt when I first heard the news. Needless to say, Pitcher Park is a great idea, and god bless ya Mary for all that you do. I'm sure the boys are smiling, and you know all of us here are going to help out to keep the memory of two very special people alive. May you have the best of luck and love this holiday.



Big Phil

[Takae]

What a moving tribute. In a way it's helped me to understand my mother a little better (my brother unexpectedly died when he was 17). I wish the absolutely best of luck to you, your family and everyone involved, and the Pitcher Park project. Thanks for sharing.

[whateverlolawants]

What a beautiful piece. It made me cry, and I'm not even a mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can tell you're a wonderful mom and full of love for others, and your boys sound like wonderful people! I will keep your project in my thoughts, and if I can spare some money, I hope to donate. Keep doing what you're doing!

[cinemaven]

A beautiful tribute to your sons.
As the mom of two boys, the thought of what you're going through tears my heart in two but it's uplifting to read your account of how loved they are and how their memories will endure.

Thank you for sharing this

[skunky93]

I had to stop to wipe the tears from my eyes in order to leave a comment. The love you described between Stephen and Vince is amazing. I will make a donation in dedication to your two sons. I can barely begin to imagine the horror of what your family must be going through. I believe that love finds a way to unite again even after death because love is stronger than any other emotion we feel. Some day, you will all see your two boys again. I hope that the rest of your days are filled with that hope instead of sorrow.

[metronyc]

Stephen and Vincent were blessed with a wonderful mother and they knew it. Now that you are making Pitcher Park you are continuing their legacy of helping others and making a difference in the lives of others. Many people will be affected by Pitcher Park and have already been changed by making the effort to get this park underway.

You are very brave to share your story with us all. And all of us who loved Vincent and Stephen have found great comfort in helping to build Pitcher Park and it has helped us move forward from this devastating loss.

Keep up the blog as we all look forward to reading about your progress with Pitcher Park. And know that we will hold Stephen and Vincent in our hearts forever.

Love,

Metronyc

[darleneslee]

I know your pain. I, too have lost a child to tragedy. It is the most devastating thing to happen to a parent. It's always suppose to be someone else and then you find out that someone else is you. I can only say that grief is personal and different for each one that has to walk that path. You have chosen to express yours in a very positive and open way that allows others to share your pain and joy. God bless you.

[Nashville18]

You're an amazing woman. You and your family are in my prayers.

[412mike]

Mary,

Comming from a 16 year old this may not be much, but what you are doing should make you a saint, if not already. The movement that you have just started is really an astonishing thing. Although I havn't been able to participate/meet you, i send out all my prayers to you this holiday season.

Love,
Mike Detorakis

[GLawlor]

Mary Pat,
You are doing such a wonderful job and I can't even explain to you how much you are helping everyone. When Brady and I were on our way and I got the phone call, I couldn't even find the words to tell Brady what was going on. Everyday is a struggle, but everyone is here to support you and the Pitcher family. I know they are with us everyday helping us get through all the pain and they will always be watching over you and the family. They are now your new angels. I love you all and I'm here to help in anyway possible.

~Geri~

[LKarabasz]

Mary Pat,
I still don't even know how you do it! I know how I feel about the boy's death and I can't even put it into words.For you, the family, and my brother and gang and our whole community my heart breaks everyday. May they watch over us! OUr Angels

[SydneyGirl]

Mary,
congratulations! This is beautifully written and we are all so proud of you!
love,
Vicki