THE BLOG
05/13/2014 09:42 pm ET | Updated Jul 13, 2014

Oh Wow Another NYC vs. LA Blog!

Stuart Westmorland via Getty Images

Admit it. You've considered ditching NYC for LA.

I escaped the rock 16 months ago, and though it's taboo to say, I actually loved it.

Not only are some of the most incredible people I know life-long Angelinos, but I also tapped a growing secret cult of clandestine double-agent ex-New Yorkers who operate under a pretense of "Oh, I'm only here temporarily to finish my [album/book/screenplay/rehab]," -- all the while, nervous that they might be exposed as turncoats; caught cheating on their dynamic and sophisticated wife (NYC) with the hot skank secretary (LA).

You see, ever since 1912, when an embryonic Tinseltown first began to lure East Coasters with its vile, hollow siren song, NYC has done an incredible job of countering with a PR campaign of misinformation and negative propaganda against LA.

It's like in that movie, The Village, where they've indoctrinated all the residents to believe that there are monsters in the woods... But then eventually one mangy kid ventures out beyond the gate and is like, "Actually... there aren't any monsters. There are delicious berries and cute squirrels and shit."

I was that mangy kid. And while for the first year, I thought that the generalizations about LA were unfair (it's shallow, cultureless and dark), now I'm beginning to see that generalizations exist for a reason. Generally.

I guess in any city you can find both the evil and the light. In any city, you can feel utterly alone or perfectly invincible depending on what text message you read first in the morning. But having lived on both coasts for a while now, I believe I'm finally in a position to offer a balanced opinion on the most unoriginal and trite argument of all time.

And as it turns out... yeah, there kind of are monsters in the woods.

LA is basically: Tijuana... but with actors

NYC is basically: London... but with skinny people

WIN: NYC

LA smells like: Lilacs and jasmine... ocean perfumed air

NYC smells like: Occasional garbage from Korean butcher

WIN: LA

Homeless people in NYC: Chilled-out Dickensian characters who add "color" to the neighborhood

Homeless people in LA: Super aggressive hospital escapee meth zombies with blistered sunburns and blurry face tattoos

WIN: NYC

In LA you might step on: A fig

In NYC you might step on: A rat in a diaper

WIN: LA

For $2000/mo in NYC, you can rent: One-half of a bedbug infested 200 sq. ft. 6th floor walkup

For $2000/mo in LA, you can rent: A 1500 sq. ft. 2-bedroom with a view of the ocean, competition-grade rose bushes and a porch swing

WIN: LA

NYC appeals to: The most driven, cultured kids from around the world, looking to expand their horizons and push themselves to reach their potential

LA appeals to: Every insane whore and conman who burned every bridge in the Podunk town they were raised AKA actors and musicians

WIN: NYC

Everyone in LA seems: Semi-retired, on glue and suffering from radon poisoning

Everyone in NYC seems: Vaguely Jewish

WIN: TIE

Best way to succeed in LA: blow jobs

Best way to succeed in NYC: blow jobs and hard work

WIN: TIE

Friday in LA is like: Transcendental meditation and weed

Friday in NYC is like: Yoga and coke

WIN: TIE

Your average NYC girl: Grad degree from Parsons, running two side businesses in between 60hr work week at boutique agency

Your average LA girl: Kind of dated Moby

WIN: NYC

The tap water in LA: Straight up tastes like bleach and pennies, makes your hair fall out

The tap water in NYC: Is good

WIN: NYC

Something I'll never miss about NYC is: Sandy Kenyon Movie Minute

Something I'll never miss about LA is: Traffic

WIN: TIE

Astrology in LA: Is undisputed hard science that governs all aspects of our physical and spiritual universe

Astrology in NYC: that's not really a thing

WIN: NYC

Fashion in NYC: iconic

Fashion in LA: that's not really a thing

WIN: NYC

Nature in LA: Iridescenthummingbirds flitting around in the garden

Nature in NYC: Two pigeons with broken beaks buttfucking on my fire escape

WIN: LA

The trees in LA are dripping with: Ripe oranges, lemons and avocados

The trees in NYC are dripping with: Rite-Aid bags

WIN: LA

In NYC, the person across from you on the bus might be: Reading Catcher in the Rye, wearing a Burberry capelet

In LA, the person across from you on the bus might be: On bath salts, on rollerskates, staring at you.

WIN: NYC

At night, LA sounds like: Rainforest Café with occasional SWAT helicopters

At night, NYC sounds like: Law and Order SVU

WIN: LA

If you hit rock bottom in NYC: You are silently ejected from the city in a Darwinian weeding-out-of-the-failures kind of way. One cannot financially afford to hit rock bottom in NYC.

If you hit rock bottom in LA: You move into a friend's tree house in Venice for a bit. Can still date anyone of any status, can still attend prime events. Still have Wifi. Still vegan.

WIN: TIE

A 10AM meeting in NYC: Starts at 9:50AM

A 10AM meeting in LA: Would theoretically start at noon, but will be cancelled by both people and rescheduled 5 times

WIN: NYC

In LA, you are only 10 miles away from: Surfing in Malibu

In NYC, you are only 10 miles away from: Yonkers

WIN: LA

Weather in NYC: Temperamental, beautiful, expressive, but annoying (like dating an artist)

Weather in LA: Utopia basically, but boring (like dating a model on Xanax.)

WIN: TIE

Your poodle is missing in LA because: Coyotes ate it

Your poodle is missing in NYC because: Chinatown.

WIN: TIE