09/28/2007 10:33 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Breaking News: Rudy Giuliani Reveals He Was Mayor of New York on 9/11!

I don't know if you know this, but it appears that Rudy Giuliani was the Mayor of New York on September 11, 2001.

Did he mention it already? Oh, you say he sells Rudy and "9/11" more than The Donald sells products with the Trump name on them?

When Mayor, Rudy had a banner taken off buses because it read "New York Magazine: About the Only Good Thing in New York that Rudy Hasn't Taken Credit For." It was said that it hurt his feelings to be portrayed as such an opportunist.

But really, Rudy and Opportunist go together like Fred and Lazy or Mitt and Magic Underpants.

Even before September 11th, it appeared that Rudy had slipped off the deep end of, as the new "View" host Sherri Shepherd might say, the end of the earth.

Toward the final days of his term as Mayor, his actions seemed so illogical that it appeared he was no longer listening to his closest advisors; how could they compete with the excellent advice Rudy was getting from his toaster oven?

What else can explain the way Rudy's second marriage ended? After a widely-rumored affair with his press secretary, he held an infamous press conference in which he told the media - and through them, his wife, Donna, and their kids -- that he was getting a divorce.

Not exactly the actions of a sane person. Now, Rudy is remarried, and his kids don't speak to him. As a matter of fact, one of his children is supporting Barack Obama's campaign.

I'm sure Rudy's taking that really well. If I'm Rudy's kids, I'm grabbing my backpack and heading to Patagonia. For the rest of their lives, or until the world ends, which, if Rudy becomes President and gets his hand on the nuclear trigger, may be January 21, 2009.

I'm sure Rudy has a better relationship with the family of his first wife. Oh, of course he does, she's his cousin.

After 9/11, Rudy claimed to have a better understanding of terrorism because he was in New York when the terrorists attacked. I don't know of anyone who sees an actual connection between the two, but since that day, Rudy made millions in the private sector capitalizing on his supposed knowledge of security issues.

Let's be clear: Rudy did a great job on 9/11 because he filled the leadership vacuum left by our President. When told that we were under attack, President Bush continued reading "My Pet Goat," and then hid on his plane. When it was time to step up, the President's reaction was basically, "Why me? I wanted to be Commissioner of baseball. Waaaa!"

Rudy stepped up. He seemed to be in charge. But now, he's using 9/11 so shamelessly that he has made Mr. Trump look like Willy Loman.

He recently claimed to have gone to the WTC site as often as the first responders, and he said he suffered no ill effects. Physically, yes, mentally, no. Rudy spent a few hours at the WTC site, mostly showing visitors how hard the first responders were working. Rudy spent much more time at Yankee games than at the WTC site.

Rudy also learned from 9/11 that more people should be able to have guns. That's right, Rudy told the NRA, in between phone calls, that 9/11 indicated to him that people have to be able to protect themselves.


What would the people of New York have done with the guns? Shoot at the other people waiting in line to give blood?

The fact is that Rudy uses 9/11 whenever it suits his needs.

Now, his fundraisers are charging people $9.11 to get into a Rudy event.

At this rate, Rudy's going to be hawking a Rudy 9/11 steak, and Rudy 9/11 vodka. I'm truly excited to get my Rudy 9/11 cologne.

I recall a time when Marvin Hagler, the boxer, legally changed his name to Marvelous Marvin Hagler.

It's time for Rudy to go all the way and become 9/11 Rudy Giuliani. You know, in case there's any confusion over whether he was Mayor on September 11th.