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10/01/2007 05:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Read It Here First: The Opening Two Minutes of the Next Republican Debate

On October 9, there will be a Republican debate. Here is a preview of how it will go:

Chris Matthews: Thank you and welcome to the Republican debate, sponsored by CNBC and the Wall Street Journal. Today, I'm going to begin by asking each of the top four Republican candidates to use two words to describe their campaign. Okay, guys, let's go. Rudy, John, Mitt, Fred - you're on! Two words!

Rudy: Nine eleven.

Mitt: Ronald Reagan

John: The Surge

Fred: Zzzzzzzz

Chris: Okay, someone wake Fred. In the Democratic debate on my sister channel, MSNBC, my friend Tim Russert asked the candidates to name their favorite Bible verse. Tonight, I want you to quote the movie line that most applies to you. Rudy, go!

Rudy: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Mitt: The most terrifying words in the English language are "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

Chris: That was Ronald Reagan, right?

Mitt: Of course it was.

Chris: But that's not a movie line.

Mitt: Are you saying Ronald Reagan was not a great American?

Chris: No, I'm saying that you didn't answer the question.

Mitt: Chris, you're proving my point. The media hates Ronald Reagan, hates optimism, hates America. I love my country.

Chris: Senator McCain, a movie line that most applies to you?

John: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room.

Fred: It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.

Chris: No, I need a movie line.

Fred: That is a movie line.


Chris: Okay, next question, and it comes to us from Beverly in Madison, Wisconsin. I'll ask it, and you can answer, okay? Okay, so here it is, Beverly wants to know whom you'd pick as your VP. Rudy?

Rudy: Well, that's a stupid question. Beverly needs psychological help. But I'll answer it. I'd pick Rupert Murdoch.

Chris: I don't know if that's constitutional.

Rudy: Are you telling me what's Constitu-

(phone rings)

Rudy: Hang on.


Rudy picks up the phone.

Rudy: My love! I love you! Sweetie, I'm in the middle of a debate. Yes, I will tell them you say hello. Okay. I love you. Love you!

Rudy hangs up.

Chris: Was that your wife?

Rudy: No, that was Joe Torre.

Chris: Great. Mitt, your running mate?

Mitt: Nancy Reagan.

Chris: I don't know if Nancy Reagan is up to being VP.

Mitt: Have you even asked her?

Chris: No, I haven't, fair point, I guess. Senator McCain?

John: General Petraeus. He's a good man.

Chris: Fred Thompson?

Fred: Yes, I'd be great.

Chris: No, the question, who would you pick as your running mate?

Fred: Hadn't given it much thought, but I suppose if I had to, I'd pick John McClane.

Chris: John McClane - isn't that the Bruce Willis character in "Die Hard"?

Fred: He's a cop. Really gets the job done. Saved the airport from terrorists.

Chris: That was in "Die Hard 2," in which you played the airport manager, but Fred, that was a movie. That's not real life.

Fred: So you say. People going to take my word for it or yours. What I saw, what I saw was a tough cop out there, saving lives. That's the kind of person we need in D.C. Clean the swamp up.


Chris: Okay, the Taliban is gaining in Afghanistan. How would you regain momentum and defeat the Taliban?

Rudy: I would drop a nuke on them.

Chris: You'd drop a nuke on them? Where? You'd just nuke Afghanistan?

Rudy: Where do you live, Chris?

Chris: I'm not sure why that's important?

Rudy: You see your family today, Chris? You know where they are? You're sweating a little. Careful, Chris.

Chris: Moving on.

Mitt: I would urge them to tear down that wall!

Chris: What wall?

Mitt: The wall! That wall, Mr. Gorbachev!

Chris: Okay, Senator McCain?

John: I would say to the Taliban, join me in making Afghanistan peaceful. Let's talk. I've worked with people on all sides, worked toward compromises, so I'd say, let's talk about making Afghanistan peaceful. Put down your arms. Or I will rip your hearts out with my bare hands, and I will eat your larynx for lunch. Your choice. Either way.

Chris: Fred? The Taliban?

Fred: Baba ganoush.

Chris: Excuse me?

Fred: Hungry.


Chris: You know what, let's move on. I'm curious, fellas, what's the first thing you'd do after you were sworn in? Let's switch the order here. Mitt?

Mitt: The coin - "In God We Trust" has been moved from the center of the coin to the side.

Chris: This is a big issue for you?

Mitt: It shows the lack of respect for religion in this country. I respect religious freedom, unlike the left in this country, which hates freedom.

Chris: So what would you do?

Mitt: I'd make it the law: "In God We Trust" has to be in Arial, font size 12.

Chris: So, font size is a big issue for you. Great. John?

John: I'd bomb Switzerland.

Chris: Switzerland?

John: They're neutral. We're in a fight of good vs. evil. If you're not with us, you're against us.

Fred: I'd have "Dollywood" rebuilt on the stage at the White House. Bring in Dolly Parton to sing. I banged her.

Chris: Okay, Rudy?

Rudy: I'd make every day 9/11.

Chris: Meaning, what? Every day is a day we'd mourn the loss of innocent people?

Rudy: No, I'd change the calendar, so that every day is September 11th.

Chris: I don't think that you can do that, I believe that a calendar--

Rudy: You really can't be serious. You're really questioning me. Someone, arrest him.

Chris: Wait a second, wait a second.

Rudy: I'll give you five more minutes. Then, cuffs and a gag.

Chris: Rudy's all riled up. Tell me how you feel about government. Seems to me that the Bushies really haven't operated the government efficiently. What would you do differently?

Mitt: I'd double the size of Guantanamo. I'd triple the size of Abu Ghraib. I'd quadruple the size of our wiretapping program. I'd change the coin. I'd police the Web. And I'd shrink the government.

Chris: Okay, Rudy.

Rudy: I'd triple Guantanamo, quadruple Abu Ghraib, and I'd wiretap every single human being in the United States. And some ferrets. I wouldn't negotiate on global warming. You getting hot? Tough shit, put on some sun protection. Kim Il Jong? Dead. You, in the fourth row of this debate - yes, you, nice looking old man. Dead. Sorry, you're collateral, and the woman next to you walks out of here with a severe limp. I was Mayor of New York on 9/11.

Chris: We know you were Mayor of New York on 9/11.

Rudy: 9/11.

Chris: Okay, Rudy, that's--

Rudy: Did I tell you my favorite music is opera: (Sings) 9/11!

Chris: Rudy, that's enou-

Rudy: Yankees are going to win the World Series 9/11!

Chris: John?

John: Frankly, I'm going to be 80 if I get elected twice, so really, I won't know what's going on. The first thing I'd do is I'd retire to Boca Raton.

Fred: I'd do a lot of things differently.

Chris: Like what?

Fred: Things.

Chris: Differently than Bush?

Fred: I'd get rid of the limo and drive around in my pick-up. Just like the folks. I don't need all that security.


Chris: Okay, I can see when I'm not getting an answer, so instead of beating my head against the wall, let me switch the questioning over to Maria Bartiromo of CNBC.

Maria: Thanks, Chris. Some people believe the economy is headed toward a recession. How would you head off the economic slowdown?

Mitt: I've been enormously successful with large economies. I turned around the Olympics, when everyone said it would be impossible, and do you know how I did it? With my love for this great country. America. And that's how I'd turn around the American economy - with my love of freedom.

John: I'd like the economy to tell me to my face that it's going into a recession. Look me in the eye, and let's see what happens.

Rudy: An economic slowdown? Oh, wow. That really means a lot. Listen, sweetie, on 9/11, people died. So I wouldn't be too worried if the price of milk goes up or a few people lose their jobs at the steel mill. Let's keep our eye on the ball here, missy.

Fred: You like Italian food?


Chris: Okay, let's do this differently. Let's bring in Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul, for some straight talk.

Fred: Straight talk? You callin' me gay?

Chris: Can we go to a commercial?