Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Matt Littman Headshot

Sarah Palin's Letter to David Letterman

Posted: Updated:
Print

Dear Dave,

I take to heart your belated apology for your disgusting, inappropriate joke about my daughter. It took a long time for you to man up and realize that the good American people really don't see the humor, quite frankly, in joking about having sex with a 14-year old.

I will now drop the subject of that Top 10 list, because as the Good Lord knows, there are bigger issues out there, issues that the American people, in all their wisdom, care about much more than a bad joke you made that insulted my family, all women, and people who have ever met a family with a woman in it.

But Dave, you just don't learn. Last night, your Top 10 list was "Top 10 Messages on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine." Do you think that the situation in Iran is funny? People are fighting for their votes to be counted, fighting for a better way of life, the same way that people in America fought for independence over 200 years ago. Do you remember that war, Dave? It was the American Revolution. Read about it; I haven't, but I heard we really clobbered the ol' British Empire. Put the smack down on them, as they say in Juneau.

Looking at your top 10 lists, it is obvious that you don't value human life, and you do not care about the United States of America.

Here's a "joke" in your Top 10: "Osama here -- my cable's out -- can I come over and watch Gossip Girl?" Wow, I guess we have a different sensibility outside of New York, because where I'm sitting, a joke about President Osama's cable going out is not funny. The White House has great cable, and we Americans love our cable because it gives us choices, and choices equal freedom, which you hate, so I can see why -- wait a second, did you say Osama? I thought you said Obama. I get confused -- Osama Bin Laden, Barack Hussein Osama. Obama, jeez, I did it again. My bad.

On behalf of those who do care about a free and just world, a world of which I would say we are leaders, because we are a great democracy, please apologize, David Letterman, for your "humor" about the situation in Iran. Maybe people in New York and Chicago consider these Top 10's to be "jokes," but to the rest of the country -- the true patriots -- these jokes are not funny.

A couple of nights ago, you did "Top 10 Reasons Regis Philbin is Not on Tonight." Why do you hate old people? Regis Philbin never hurt anybody, except maybe Kelly Ripa's ears. Kelly is cute, isn't she? I really like her clothes. How'd she get that job? Wouldn't I be perfect to sit next to Regis? Anyway, Dave, I really resent your attacks on old people. There are old people in my family. I even met a few old people when I was campaigning down in Florida. Obviously, in the Red States, we value the people who came before us and who teach us so much, so many values that we carry with us today. In the Blue States, I guess you just hate freedom, democracy and old people.

Dave, I'd like you to apologize, and please, just continue to apologize every night you are on the air for your "humor." That way, I won't have to go on TV and attack you, and I can actually concentrate on the issues that are important to me. I mean, to the people of America. I mean, to the people of Alaska. Oh, jeez.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin