"The Republicans Will Nominate..."

05/25/2011 12:10 pm ET

Republicans cannot be pleased to look at their field and see a group that has more in common with the lineup in The Usual Suspects than the Dream Team.

What happened to the Republican field, which once seemed like it was going to be full of heavy hitters?

One by one, they've fallen, but eventually, a winner from this motley crew has to emerge. I know who that candidate will be: keep reading. Before I reveal the winner, here is what happened to the field, and with it the quotes most applicable to the candidates:

Jeb Bush - Cannot run now because of the unpopularity of his brother. And you know he wanted to be president; it was assumed that he would be the Bush son to run for office, but he never announced it, W. jumped in, and now Jeb can say goodbye to his dreams of higher office.

Quote: "I always knew I wanted to become somebody when I grew up. Now I realize I should have been more specific." Lily Tomlin

George Allen - The conservative candidate, ended up losing the Senate race in his state, and that kept him out of the race. Also, racist comments are usually considered a negative when running for office.

Quote: "It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt." Thomas Paine

John McCain - Turned out to be the summer blockbuster movie candidate. There was so much hype you felt like you had to see him, and then when everyone rushed out to hear him, it turned out... well, not that good. And right after his debut, his numbers plummeted.

Quote: "The ship be sinkin' so fast, the sky's the limit," Michael Ray Richardson

Rudy Guiliangry - He cannot stop talking about 9/11. But Guilangry put the Emergency Management bunker in the World Trade Center- yes, he put it there to run the City in case of a terrorist attack in even though the World Trade Center was the only place in America that had been attacked by terrorists. And everyone - the FBI, his advisers - told him not to put the Bunker there. So he's running as the candidate of 9/11 - but he made a decision on 9/11 that cost many lives. Uh-oh.

Quote: 'When anger rises, think of the consequences" - Confucius

Fred Thompson - Didn't run for reelection to the Senate because he didn't want to work so hard, and has such courage of convictions that the anti-abortion hero turned out to have turned his back on the cause as soon as he saw a dollar sign. This is a guy who is too lazy to decide whether or not he's running for President.

Quote: Homer Simpson, "If something's hard to do, it's not worth doing."

Mitt Romney - Looks like the smarmy dad from a million movies, the rich dad with the hot daughter who he thinks shouldn't be dating a schmuck like you.

He is an incredibly successful businessman. He has tons of money for the campaign, much of it his own. His dad was nearly the Republican nominee in '68, but he lost because he was too moderate for the Republicans. His son has apparently learned that lesson and won't make his father's mistakes.

Personally, I believe we're open minded about electing a female president, or an African-American president, but I don't think we've evolved enough to the point that we can accept a President named Mitt.

But Mitt's ahead in Iowa and New Hampshire, and should he carry both of those states, as it looks like he will, momentum and money may take him into February 5th too hot to stop.

Yes, Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee for President.

Quote: "I've made all my own money on my own without my family and I work very hard... Just listening to my father... So just basically following that and following my heart." Paris Hilton