08/29/2007 09:13 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Vick, Craig, Lohan, Rove, Gonzales: Goodbye August, Hello Sextilis!

August is the only month of the year without an official holiday. But we never needed a day off in August because we're supposed to take our vacation time from work, and relax, read that crappy summer book, recline on the porch, and entertain the visiting family members. It's the silly season, time to think irrelevant thoughts, discuss nothing serious, and engage in leisurely retreats.

Hasn't it always been that way?

But this summer, August can't end fast enough. It's been a laborious month. Bring on Labor Day! While it's the unofficial end of summer, and the last days we're supposed to have before we head back to work or school, the truth is that this summer has been no respite.

As Dickens never said, "It's the worst of times, it's the worst of times."

This August has been so bad, perhaps we should consider restoring it to its original name.


I'm not kidding. Sextilis was the name for this month; then, it was changed to appease the rule of Rome, Augustus. I can't blame Augustus for wanting a name change; Sextilis does sound a lot like something that Britney Spears contracted for not wearing underwear, and I believe the English translation for Sextilis is, in fact, The Cooties.

But, no offense to Augustus, we've tried August for more than 2,000 years, and it just hasn't worked.

Look at this month: August brought us day after day of Michael Vick, Alberto Gonzales, Lindsay Lohan, Karl Rove, and Larry Craig.

Now, Larry, perhaps he shouldn't be bunched with the others. He's a romantic!

Is it wrong to stare through the peepholes in the bathroom, looking for love? Is it wrong to put your hand out under a stall for someone to touch your hand back?

Is it wrong to play footsies while sitting on the toilet?

Well, perhaps it is, but this August has left me confused. I'm glad this month is coming to an end, but you know what? Let's make it permanent.

Name changes aren't unprecedented; just a few weeks ago, Diebold -- remember them, the company with the great voting machines? -- changed its name to Premier Election Solutions. The president of the company said he made the change because it gave the company a "fresh identity."

Doesn't August deserve the same fresh identity? Doesn't it deserve a new start? Doesn't it deserve to be Sextilis?