How To Be Faithful

She walks into the coffeeshop and our eyes immediately meet. I almost fall off my chair because this woman is gorgeous. And to make matters worse the universe is definitely trying to screw with me because judging by the look and smile she just gave me, she's interested.

Did I mention that I'm a happily married man yet? This of course might complicate things... actually it makes this potential minefield quite simple to navigate.

I love my wife, and I will not cheat. Been there, done that. In my past life I made a series of mistakes that left me a divorced man with a wounded and empty soul, that man would have slept with the woman above, most likely five minutes after spotting her walk in to the coffee bar.

So how am I going to escape this cosmic curse of temptation? By following the rules below, they'll never send you in the wrong direction, I promise.

* It's not about just ME (or just YOU) anymore, I'm part of something meaningful and special. If I took her back to her loft and slept with her I would be letting down two people, myself and my wife. And I would be common and average because as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do.

* Think of what your life would be like without your current husband or wife. Your present actions are going to dictate your future. Are you truly able to accept the repercussions??? Believe me, you aren't. A long time ago I thought I was, of course I wasn't and pretty much lost everything. I'm hoping you won't.

Let's quickly return to the original relationship danger zone... after she smiles, she comes within in ear shot of my table, I hear her order a double cappuccino in the sexiest, raspy European accent that I have ever heard. She then proceeds to delicately glance at me while she takes her drink from the barista and turns to ask if she can join me... MY LIFE IS NOW OVER!

* Being faithful is easy, cheating is hard. Thought it was the other way around, didn't you? The moment she requested to join me I felt something that in the past I had never felt before: HESITATION! You see cheating is like bungee-jumping without a safety cord, the rush is amazing, until you slam into the bridge and smash that thick skull of yours wide open! The work it takes to be unfaithful is ten times, no, a THOUSAND times harder than the simple task of being a committed partner.

She introduces herself and I feel "my game" completely gone. Because all I can think of are the repercussions of sleeping with this woman. I realize that I am doing something that I had never done in the past: Forward Thinking.

* Remember you took a vow. Whether it's a wedding band, or a long time romance built on caring and trust, a bond is a bond. And while a hot body and a pretty face are nice to gaze at, it's fleeting; your partner's actions, affection and non-judgmental support are far more worthy in the log run.

* Fantasy is a good thing, as long as it doesn't become reality. Now, don't think I'm not able to appreciate the fact that this woman is beautiful, it's not a crime to admire an attractive person, but it is against all laws know to man to act on your desires if you are in a happy and committed relationship.

As I looked into her eyes and told her I was married and thanked her for her company. I also realized I felt no guilt having spent a quick moment with an attractive stranger, no wish to ravish her on top of the table, all I felt was happiness because of my commitment to my wife. For the first time in my life I realized what the real challenge was about being in this situation. The real challenge was NOT SLEEPING with this beautiful woman. And because I like to think of myself as something of an adrenaline junkie, man, do I love challenges. But this one wasn't a "challenge" at all. It became easier and easier when I let the repercussions of sleeping with her dictate my actions.

And, truthfully, my vanilla latte was much more satisfying.

Follow Matt Titus on Twitter: www.twitter.com/matttitus

Comments

[UtahLiberal435]

Ah yes, we must own each other in order to be happy. And life outside of marriage would be bereft. Wierd. Especially in this day and age when people aren't so grotesquely repressed by anti-sex religions.

[csavage]

Why should a marriage or a life, for that matter, depend on lifelong excitement? That's the real problem right there....
I don't expect my husband to entertain me 24/7-I want him to be my friend and protector. I certainly don't want the pressure of being sexy to him 24/7-I have to clean the toilets sometime!

[gardener46]

Just how long have you been married to your current wife? Cuz, buddy, it sounds like you will succumb once again to a raging ego and hormones.

Perhaps it would be best if you did not commit to a relationship at all.

I mean, depriving those gorgeous women of your sexual servicing just seems so UNFAIR...

[DudeinHammock]

Maybe instead of trying to convince us (and yourself) that life is so much better now, we might all benefit from re-assessing just why it is we feel the need to make life-long commitment to one person? Who decided that love and sex are one and the same, and that it is simply impossible to be in a loving, sincere relationship that is not sexually monogamous? Certainly not anyone who knows much about the rest of the world. This equating love with sex and presuming that any deviation from strict monogamy is some kind of moral failure deserving of abandonment is the fast-food of the intellect. Empty calories that just make you fat and stupid.

[cognate]

As someone said, quitting is easy, I've done it a million times.

[SevenLevels]

From a newly married man who is has seized by temptation, thank you for this article. Its nice to know there are others out there who struggle (and succeed) with righteous living. Greatly appreciated!
Peace,
Kelly

[NoCalDrummer]

As a gay man in a committed, monogamous relationship, and living in the middle of a candy store (The Castro, San Francisco) I can relate completely. Okay, so it's not a beautiful woman who might be flirtatious, nor who I might be attracted towards. But the temptation of another gay man who obviously works out and is proud of (and willing to show off) his body can be an equally difficult situation.
I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Titus; would I be willing to throw away nearly five years of my life for five hours in the sack? In a word - No. The longer I'm with my partner, the more wonderful I think he is. He looks like Anderson Cooper (but with facial hair)and he adores me. We have the same interests, we don't fight, and we enjoy being together.
We both had to kiss a lot of frogs, so why risk getting warts (or worse) by playing with what might look good on the outside, but is hollow on the inside. No way. Just like the car dealership nearby, it's still okay to look, but a test drive is out of the question. Neither of us is ready to trade-in.

[wondering]

It's nice you chose fidelity over temptation. Good for you.

I'm more interested in the fact that you were approached in the first place.

I thought I was the only one.

Hot chicks are always hitting on me.

On the train, in stores, at the gas station - every time I stare at some honey, she wants me.

I can tell.

So, thank you. Thank you for telling what it's like out there.

[JimPivonka]

Huh? ROTFL.. I actually have known people like the writer, who have claimed to experience such things as beautiful women "presenting" in a fashion apparent to them.

It's never happened to me, and I find it less than credible that it happens to more than .00001% of human males. Some will say that is only sour grapes coming from an unattractive, unsexy, imperceptive, and incurably shy guy.

Full disclosure - once in an airport waiting room, where I and my seducer were waiting on flights and became seat mates (enforced physical proximity with time for sloooowwww conversation and multiple drinks) this scenario came to fruition, after a fashion, over subsequent weeks. It was a complicated enough, and protracted enough, process to show how truly rare the kind of "presentation" the writer experiences must be.

And how utterly inapplicable to the problem of "infidelity" it is. WTH?

[suntzu]

Your presumption that this beautiful woman wants to go all the way with you is just that...presumptuous. Flirtation is one thing, adultery another. Your wishful thinking and imagination was just working overtime. Get a hold of yourself, man. All of womanhood is not thirsting to jump into bed with you.

[Dave24]

**Bottom line: For the rest of your life (everyone), you will be attracted to other people; your spouses will be attracted to other people. The question is: do you want to ACT on that attraction, more than mentally? If you choose to be with someone, it not only means you want to be with them, but also that you do not want to be with anyone else. Make a decision. If you're not sure, don't be in a relationship.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Question:

How would kids play into it?

More likely to have coffee, or less?

[Pandu]

Admiring an attractive person brings suffering in the same way as cheating, only to a much lesser degree.

The lust process goes from thinking to feeling to willing to doing. The sooner this gets stopped, the less you torture yourself. Better to stop thinking lusty thoughts as soon as you notice them. Think about something else. Use your intelligence to control your senses so that you don't even notice a would-be attractive person.

If restraining your body is rewarding, restrainging your mind is even more so. Real freedom is to not be a slave to your mind.

[epistrophy]

i don't know how old you are, but are you really never gonna have sex with anyone except for your wife ever again?....you're in (imagine) Paris, Fiji, wherever, on assignment..."don't ask, don't tell"...really?...i know, the measure of a man is what he does when no one's looking...but, i've never met a man who's taking that oath for real...and that includes presidents, pimps, preachers...

[Kalima]

You have a healthy take on fidelity.
My husband and i were madly in love for many
years,then came the 7 year itch,not for me but
for him.
I had to decide if in 10,20 or 40 years,I would
still want to be together with this man and I
decided to stay.
As we grow older together,thankfully it also
gets better.
We understand,love and respect each other
much more than when we were first together.
The grass always seems greener on the other
side, but you know it rarely is.