Why Hasn't He Called?

Here's the situation: you went on a date with a relative stranger and had an amazing time. The conversation flowed as effortlessly as the wine, and the evening ended with a passionate goodnight kiss in front of your door. You're aching to see him again, but now it's Wednesday, and he hasn't called you. Is he playing games with you? Was he involved in a tragic accident? Or is he--gulp--not interested?

Try as they might, your friends can't answer this question. It must be answered by a straight, all-American male who has not only played the field, but actually owned it. That was me a few years ago, and in those days I took plenty of phone numbers from women whom I had no intention of ever calling. I can tell you from experience that men ask for numbers and do not call for the following reasons:

1. He was trying to look cool. If he asked for your number with his buddies looking on, be forewarned - he was probably just trying to increase his status within his friend group. On Guys Night Out, he's not looking for love; he's looking to score your digits and win the approval of his peers, and it's unlikely that he'll ever follow through with you.

2. He's really busy with . . . uh . . . stuff. Yes, it's a terrible excuse, but sometimes guys are just too busy to call. Rare is the guy whose schedule is so jam-packed that he it is literally impossible for him to call you; the more likely situation is that he is busy pursuing other goals and doesn't have time for a relationship.

3. He's got issues. He might have appeared confident when he asked for your number, but if thought you were way out of his league he may be too afraid to call you. He could have self-esteem issues or view you as too popular, good-looking or rich for an Average Joe like him. If this is the case, just knowing that you were willing to be contacted by him is enough, and it's unlikely that he'll grow the cajones to call.

4. He's not ready to move on. News flash: men fear commitment. He may have been really excited about meeting you, but it's possible that he choked at the thought of starting another exclusive relationship. If his last relationship ended badly or he's a confirmed bachelor, you can wait by the phone all you want but that call will never come.

So what do you do when he doesn't call? Repeat after me: STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE. Calling him is the worst thing you can do; it shows him that you're willing to put up with his crap and sets the stage for more of that treatment in the future. Harness your anxious energy and go to the gym, meet up with friends, or go out to a club. Do something that will make you feel good and bring you one step closer to finding someone who knows how to pick up the phone.

Comments

[Shazzizle]

Thanks for the "expert" advice for women to get a life and not wait by the phone. It's, like, decades too late. I suggest you read my blog to garner a little more insight into the nuances of the female psyche which you seem to have diminished into a bad cliche.Just sayin'.

[BlogAngel]

Great advice. This isn't about men vs. women, it's about healthy boundaries. Any guy (or person) who says one thing (I'll give you a call") and immediately doesn't follow through has personal drama they need to work out on their own before taking on the additional complexity of a relationship. If you make the call to take charge of the situation because he "can't" or he's "too shy" or "he's been hurt" or whatever, you've set up the dance floor for a co-dependent tango.

[rlehman]

I'm an adult. I can call first. In fact I did. When I did it seems I came to his rescue. He'd spent four days trying to decipher the meaning of every word I'd spoken and every gesture I made in order to decide if I really wanted him to call or if I just said "Give me a call." because it was a way to end the evening, as several other women he'd dated had done. I'm perfectly capable of taking responsibility for going after what I want and perfectly capable of accepting that even if I go for it I may not get it. I might not be married to a good, good man now if I'd waited on him to call.

[dadw5boys]

Your assuming he is thinking in that manner.
Would it ever occur to you that he is not thinking about love or life or does not have time too think.
Things have a way of happening every time a man meets someone he likes. It never fails that when a good thing happens to a man he has 3 or four bad things happen one after the other. I belive that is where the old saying come from, "no good deed goes unpunished". I know men who will spend every spare dime they have on a date with someone they like a lot and nearly starve till pay day.
Call him and just say "hi, I was thinking about our date and I enjoyed talking to you".