This just in! Congress has the right idea! Republicans and "Blue Dog" Democrats alike have finally done something that does more than just venally and verbally attack the Obama Administration. Having tired of hearing from the world that their blockage of legislation and government flow, for quasi-ideological reasons, is counter-productive to and for the nation, the right-wing ideologues in Congress have decided to take action. A new consciousness is emerging amongst the "fiscally conservative" and "responsive" elements that forward unfettered business practices.
These elements in opposition to Socialism, Communism and any "ism" that is not...you guessed it, "Capitalism" now offer the final solution. They have decided to create more participation in the American business sector by hiring the unemployed. This whole new category shall be known as employing Americans as the "Gainfully Unemployed." Mitch McConnell was overheard saying, "We're putting America back to work."
Now first off there will be so salaries! But the good part is we can now remove these Americans previously out of jobs from the ranks of the unemployed. They no longer have to be counted as unemployed because now they are "Gainfully Unemployed."
And members of the Tea Party will see this new bright light of independence for what it is and vow to fight for the rights of their fellow Americans to be "Gainfully Unemployed." Heck, there may be a movement for the "Gainfully Under-Employed" in due time. A prominent female Republican, upon hearing of this suggestion exclaimed; "Well now we won't have to pay for all those deadbeats who are doing nothing. And that's a good thing because we can get back to being the America that we were." There would be no more Lumpenproletariat either because we would all be working high. And though all the "Tea Party" and three-quarters of Congress have no idea who the Lumpenproletariat were, that wouldn't matter either...because we'd all have great jobs and that wouldn't matter.
Black American youth will be relieved as well. Their swelling ranks that are a reported 44% and rising will immediately experience the relief that this group has lobbied for over the many decades. What Paul Robeson, Martin Luther King Jr., Thurgood Marshall, Cesar Chavez and numerous people of all colors could not do, this edict will achieve with the stroke of a congressional pen and the swing of a golf club. Black youth will be elated. They will now be free to work and develop their resumes to get that good unemployment job. They will now be "Gainfully Unemployed" at the highest lack of salary imaginable.
And the youth of America too will be benefited greatly as well. Out of jobs already, now working, as the "Gainfully Unemployed" will buff up their resumes while leaving them plenty of time to play computer games. What could you really learn in an entry-level job at McDonalds anyway? You'd never learn the skills necessary to drive a "bullet train" or manage a wind farm--unless one considers turning on the "McBroiler" overhead fan as defining experience.
Media will be at a disadvantage however. It will be that much more difficult to put a positive "spin" on being "Gainfully Unemployed." But not impossible!
The rich and the super rich will be at a decided disadvantage here as well however because they don't work anyway. It will definitely be even more difficult for them to get any love.
But once "hired" one can name one's own position. You can be say an "efficiency expert" with the Department of Dispersed Inequalities. Or perhaps your new title might be the Director of Untold Achievements. In this new arrangement, one can be anyone he or she wants. There is no gender bias in this job category. And your credentials can never be assailed. They are impeccable, and by the way, so are you! Your skills and preparation always fit your new job impeccably.
Economists will be elated. There is a new category that they can boldly pontificate about as they project the ups and downs of the market. This new job category will be a great boon except for unemployed economists. If anyone does, these guys know the value of a paycheck, no matter what the impact may be of this concept on the Gross Domestic Product.
Just think, Geithner, Emanuel, guys like Donald Stumpf at Wells Fargo and the Bear/Stearns gang, even the President of the United States can then proudly say, "I'm Unemployed--I'm "Gainfully Unemployed" like most Americans." Perhaps government and business executives will be able to collect the unemployment insurance now deemed unnecessary by Congress. Indeed, Congress will certainly collect unemployment insurance themselves. Something about being in support of the new "people" polices enacted by Congress. We can work out the details later but meanwhile, everyone will be able to openly declare, "I'm 'Gainfully Unemployed' and loving it."
Sadly, there may develop a backlash against those actually working on a job. They won't be able to say "I'm Unemployed" and this inability will only skew the data. But we'll find another mechanism for working with them. Perhaps a government sponsored "re-training program." That way, they may qualify, at least part time, as "Gainfully Unemployed." Double dipping will be more difficult of course.
So let's consider redefining unemployment. Especially "Gainful Unemployment." Congress and the President have got to get America back to work and this will assuredly do the trick.