Holiday Songs for Scientologists

So, the holidays are fast approaching. And as a secular progressive, I am up in arms and ready for battle in the War on Christmas. I have a full battalion ready to storm Bill O'Reilly's mansion at dawn. This is war after all.

Despite his well documented "holiday" hypocrisy, like the Parade Holiday Quiz, and Holiday Reading List, Bill has set up a Christmas store with a bunch of great items, such as the "F*ck It, We'll Do It Live!" Coffee Mug.

And a loofah sponge shaped like a Christmas tree.

But, no matter what Bill tells you, Christmas isn't just about war and buying things. No, the holiday season is a time where all of us come together and pretend we don't hate each other, if only for a day or two.

Now, there's Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, but being a secular progressive, I want everyone to be included in the forced holiday cheer. And I got to thinking, why aren't there holiday songs for Scientologists? Don't they deserve to be miserable like everyone else?

Well now they can. I proudly present, a new song which is certain to become a time honored holiday standard... The Eight Days Of Scientology.

I can only hope that the song will get Tom Cruise in a good and crazy mood for his first interview with Matt Lauer since Tom went good and crazy on Matt in 2006. If his Jay Leno interview is any indication, it could be a magical morning.

Comments

[acecat]

Fantabulous! And right on!

[brklynivn]

LOL!!

[atxcats]

Funny!

What was almost as funny was that when the video was finished, an "ads by Google" screen popped up over the video with ads from the Church of Scientology; L. Ron Hubbard's Answers; and Scientology Free Zone -- "for practicing scientologists outside of the church" (whatever that is.)

[DrZook]

The "Freezone" means Scientologists who don't belong to the Church of Scientology. If you think of the Church of Scientology as being like the Peoples Temple (the nut jobs who all committed suicide in Guyana) then "The Freezone" is like your local United Church. You don't hear much about Freezoners because they are pretty much regular people who quietly practice the philosophy of Scientology. They don't rip people off for their life savings and stop people from talking to their families and kill people, so they don't make the news like the Church of Scientology does.

[sisterdebmac]

Love it! :-)

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, sisterdeb!

[Eric-in-the-Red]

A Grammy? Maybe a graham cracker. Although Katie Holmes would look hot hooked up to one of those Electro-cardio-flim-flam thing-a-majigs.

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

Grammy, graham cracker... I'll take either.

[hourglass]

Matthew - brilliant. O'Really Hypocrisy and Scientology fare in the same post. I see a Grammy or even maybe some Oprah couch jumping in your future, you mench!

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

Ha! Thanks, hourglass!

[MaxChampion]

Sensational!

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Max!

[Blurp]

Ha! Van Susteren. I always forgot about her.

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

You should never forget about Van Susteren!

[Matthew Filipowicz - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, sir!

[ihavenobias]

Hilarious! Great job.