Holiday Songs for Scientologists

01/12/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

So, the holidays are fast approaching. And as a secular progressive, I am up in arms and ready for battle in the War on Christmas. I have a full battalion ready to storm Bill O'Reilly's mansion at dawn. This is war after all.

Despite his well documented "holiday" hypocrisy, like the Parade Holiday Quiz, and Holiday Reading List, Bill has set up a Christmas store with a bunch of great items, such as the "F*ck It, We'll Do It Live!" Coffee Mug.


And a loofah sponge shaped like a Christmas tree.


But, no matter what Bill tells you, Christmas isn't just about war and buying things. No, the holiday season is a time where all of us come together and pretend we don't hate each other, if only for a day or two.

Now, there's Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, but being a secular progressive, I want everyone to be included in the forced holiday cheer. And I got to thinking, why aren't there holiday songs for Scientologists? Don't they deserve to be miserable like everyone else?

Well now they can. I proudly present, a new song which is certain to become a time honored holiday standard... The Eight Days Of Scientology.

I can only hope that the song will get Tom Cruise in a good and crazy mood for his first interview with Matt Lauer since Tom went good and crazy on Matt in 2006. If his Jay Leno interview is any indication, it could be a magical morning.