09/06/2013 07:57 pm ET Updated Nov 06, 2013

We Suck at Marriage, but We're Obsessed With Weddings

I'm noticing what I think might be an infinitely large problem in our society's wedding culture. The majority of this country's 20-something ladies are flooding Pinterest with ideas about everything and anything wedding related -- if they're not already busy pinning recipes, home décor ideas, and fitness tips. Women are bombarding Bravo TV, and even primetime network TV, with shows solely dedicated to their pre-wedding planning process. They stampede through bridal shops to find the perfect wedding dress and make it their mission to lose 15 to 20 pounds before the big day. Brides-to-be are suddenly allowed to snap at anyone for any reason in the pre-wedding planning process because the whole ordeal is just too stressful to deal with in sound mind. We've coined this woman the "bridezilla" and she's just a normal woman planning her unique and special wedding day.

Where's the groom in all of this? Let me tell you where he is:

"Uh, yeah, I'm getting married soon and need to, um, get something nice to wear, I guess."

Me: "That's awesome, man. Congratulations! When is the big day?"

The Groom, typically disgusted by my excitement, responds: "Oh, uh, let me think. I guess it's November 21st."

You might laugh after reading that exchange or think that's terribly stereotypical, but as a guy who's worked in formalwear for the last four years, this is about 90 percent of the grooms who walk through my door. Seriously. While their brides slave away at creating the perfect wedding day, they hardly care about something as basic as what they're going to look like.

I'm not sure this is a problem considering the bride makes it her sole purpose in life for six months to a year before the wedding to make sure everything is perfection for the wedding day. The groom is dragged along to the cake tasting, the hall viewing and the formalwear shopping, all in hopes that he either gets a really good beer at the end of the day or laid like he's never been laid before for doing "his job" and showing up. Seriously, folks, I've been told this same story on multiple occasions. I laugh and pretend to think it's cute, while what I'm actually thinking is "Dear God, I know the gays are fighting for marriage equality, but I never want to have a wedding."

Now, of course, I make it my mission to make sure every groom I help and his gentlemen look stellar when they arrive for the wedding day. Lord knows they need all the help they can get, especially when they have a bride breathing down their neck every single second of the day about what needs to be finished. Do I need to thank God again for being gay? I actually side with most of these grooms, because, like them, I just think the beginning of a marriage shouldn't be filled with so much stress. I want a wedding some day, but I'm not spending thousands of dollars to show my future husband and our family and friends how much I want one. It just seems pointless to rack up more debt -- especially when most of us getting married already have student loans looming in the shadows.

We'll still wear our Armani tuxedos tailored perfectly for our bodies, but that's the prettiest penny I'm willing to spend. Well, that and the open bar. I'll save the other fluff for where it really counts: the bedroom.

A good writer, one who's not terribly well known, but good in my opinion, Chuck Klosterman, author of Killing Yourself to Live and Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, says in one of his books that gay marriage should be allowed across the states for one sole reason above all the others: Gay men are the only men left in America who actually want to be married. After talking to the many hetero grooms who walk through my formalwear sales door, I can't do anything but whole-heartedly agree with Klosterman. I'm just worried that a mass amount of gay men getting married across the country will become more terrifying than Bravo TV's worst Bridezillas. Mark my words: there's going to be a new reality show soon highlighting gay grooms and their need for wedding day perfection, if there's not something like it already. I wouldn't know because that kind of garbage makes me want to pack my bags and move to a remote island where cable doesn't exist.

I'll never understand our culture's obsession with the infamous wedding day, but you better believe I'll keep raking in the dough from it.

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