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We're Here, We're Queer, We're Monogamish

08/06/2013 04:24 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
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I'm here to join the debate. No, not the debate about whether gays should have the opportunity to marry one another (that's old news now) or the debate about whether a woman should have the right to abort her fetus (being pro-choice is a no-brainer). I'm here to discuss the topic we all debate when we're sitting around with our friends, drinking wine and complaining about our beloved first-world problems: you know, how Joe never puts out anymore, or how you're suddenly a slut now because you enjoy having sex more than finding a real companion -- discussions that always, and almost effortlessly, lead to the question of monogamy and whether it's really that important for our modern relationships.

Let me preface my opinion by stating that I'm not in a relationship, nor have I entered into a relationship in almost two years. However, I do entertain gentleman callers' requests like it's my second job. I'm a little sloppy from time to time, but nobody's complaining. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good wine-and-dine that's on anybody's dime but my own.

Anyway, this new skill I developed as an "arm-candy trapeze artist " brought more benefits than the occasional "holy shit, what does this guy do for a living?" dinner and subsequent make-out session, because I actually learned something useful along the way: Most coupled gay men operate either in a "don't ask, don't tell" (didn't we repeal that?) relationship structure or in an open, "monogamish" relationship structure.

There's nothing like cracking open an aged bottle of Syrah after my first-date dinner companion tells me he's actually in an open relationship and hopes I can someday play with him and his partner together. I don't know what happened to first-date etiquette, but this information might have been useful before wooing me into thinking you're a man I could settle for.

Or, wait, there was that one time I agreed to meet a guy after chatting online with him for a couple of months, only to learn that I would have to "grow accustom" to his partner doing the dirty dozen in the corner as we do our own dirty in their bed. Wait a second: Flashing a fake smile at the public every 10 minutes during my post-college customer-service job is something to which I "grow accustom." Eating the lasagna that my roommate prides himself on, while knowing full well that it tastes terrible, is something to which I "grow accustom." But if I'm forced to "grow accustom" to playing this couple's bedside meat vendor and thus belittle myself, then what's the fucking point?

I can't help but wonder if this is simply the route that gay male relationships are traveling, and I have no choice but to jump on board or sink with the single sharks instead. I know that monogamy isn't always the best option for today's gay couples (we are men, after all), but when did it become so taboo? On the one hand, I can see myself agreeing to a monogamish relationship structure in the future, but only because I've grown so comfortable with the single life. On the other, I also see the potential for pulling a jealous housewife stint after I find out that he's been sleeping with the same guy for the last year and a half -- without inviting me to play too.

No, officer, I have no idea how a roofie landed in his morning coffee.