WASHINGTON--U.N. weapons inspectors sadly boarded a plane and pulled out of the North Pole on Sunday after President Bush, facing the final days in his lame duck presidency, issued a final ultimatum for Santa Claus to step down or face war, thereby postponing Christmas indefinitely.
Reports on the threat of Santa Claus and the North Pole have been circulating for the past several years as attention had initially been drawn to vast joy and hope reserves deep in the Arctic Ocean.
"What we later found," said an anonymous source, "were potential smoking guns, many of which hadn't even been appropriately boxed, wrapped, or placed generously under a tree."
But despite global speculation that the U.S. had been preempting war for North Pole resources, Secretary Rice went on the defense with David Gregory on NBC's "Meet The Press" this Sunday, reaffirming that "the very idea of a world leader knowing when citizens are sleeping and when they are awake is reason enough. Any nuclear program on top of that is a risk the world cannot bet on."
Rice added that, "the outright defiance of other U.N. resolutions are incomprehensible, from the exploitation of the physically disadvantaged to the aggressive monopolization of this now secular market."
With many across the world outraged, President Bush assured the public at a press conference this morning that "there's other options this year: you got Hanukkah which has seven more days of presents than Christmas, and also Kwanzaa which does some things too."
Miriam Dilibosky, an evangelical stay-at-home mother of six from Columbus, MO, admits that "this will give us all the opportunity to focus on the Baby Jesus. After all, Christmas is about the birth of our savior who eventually gets killed by the Jews. No offense to Jews, but their holiday is real close to ours this year, and I'm also not black."
Many others are concerned however, as the latest figures from the World Economic Forum report that the North Pole contributes an estimated 75.2 billion dollars annually to the global economy. The invasion of the North Pole has the potential to topple an already troubled market, further endangering the already waning confidence in the U.S. dollar and global assets as a whole. And with the U.S. facing billions in losses due to bailouts and the latest Madoff scheme, this last move from the Bush administration is being interpreted by many as a final shoe thrown back in the face of the international community.
But the North Pole, whose reputation for remaining politically neutral, has been agitated. And with a leader so beloved by many for generations, this conflict could escalate into a global quagmire.
To the march of twelve drummers drumming, North Pole Press Secretary Ásbjörn Bjugnakraekir adamantly rejected the Bush ultimatum, declaring that a U.S. attack to force Santa Claus from power would be "a momentous mistake," adding, "we have magic the likes of which could turn all tears of sorrow into tears of charming bliss: we know that's not something the United States wants."
Bjugnakraekir further warned that if American forces step foot onto North Pole snow, they will find a Christmas combatant ready to die for his country "behind every snowman, chimney, and Nintendo Wii," adding that "effective immediately, the United States is on the Naughty List."