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Matthew-Lee Erlbach Headshot

Dear Americans, Pray Harder

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Dear Americans,

Barack and John here. We know that there's been some controversy over our appearance at Saddleback, the Evangelical Megachurch. Some of you have declared it pornography, and some of you have really enjoyed our performances concerning Jesus and whatnot. But friends, please know we are not puppeting about our religious costumes in blatant nor perverted ways. We are simply heeding the call of a very large voting bloc so that we can be the world's president, and also of America.

Some of you have said, "This civil union of religion and politics is coercive to the American public and an affront to all Americans because it is a lie; you play the part of Christian, but our script is the constitution, not the Bible."

Barack here. First, John doesn't believe in civil unions, and second, under my presidency, two abstract ideas such as religion and politics would not be allowed to engage in this type of coming together, because they are one, abstract ideas, and two, not two consenting adults. Secondly, I have said repeatedly that I am a Christian. In fact, if I am elected, I will crucify myself, by my own hands, to prove my Christianity to you. After that, in some undetermined time coming, I will then resurrect myself and reassume the role of President of the United States of America. I do it for you, I do it for America, and most importantly, I do it for our Awesome God.

John here. To go off that real quick, while I can't promise resurrection or anything of the like, please know that I am committed to learning more about your Jesus and will do whatever I can to make myself feel more comfortable about the whole Christian thing. My friends, I know it's important, and that makes it important to me.

Others of you have said, "If we wanted to hear your values in a forum linked to compassion, hold it in the South Bronx, Oakland, or even New Orleans."

While in theory that's a great idea, practically it makes us both nervous as most of those people don't get to vote anyway. We'd rather spend our time in places with people who do get to vote and also have the money to help devote to our respective campaigns of Hope and Country First.

We hear a lot about the "separation between Church and State" and a citation of Thomas Jefferson's Virginia Statute of Religious Freedom, which was enacted into Virginia law in 1786. A lot of you quote that religion should not, as Jefferson put it, "affect civil capacities," which also extends itself to public office. We both have no further comment about that other than we hear you, and respect that some of you are researchers.

Bottom line here is that we care, very deeply, about God and about you. In many ways, we care about God more because we care about you more. And while we both sat here, drafting this letter, in the back of this beautiful church, we both thought we could distill our faith in God into a fun and uniquely American hand game you can play, called Rock, Paper, Jesus. It's like Rock, Paper, Scissors, but instead of Scissors, you can use Jesus:

Just take your two pointer fingers and make a crucifix. Jesus beats Scissors; Jesus beats Paper; and nothing beats Jesus. Try it with your friends and hopefully it will inspire deep conversation about God and both of our campaigns.

In closing, with our economy in shambles, foreign wars from which we are continuously trying to profit, and civil liberties which have been way too liberal for way too long, we know that many of you are concerned with the direction of our country. But it's not up to us alone. You're also responsible.

We both ask that instead of looking head-on into the dark smoke of the present, you all get down on your knees in a real remote corner of your house or shelter, close your eyes real tight, put your hands together, and pray harder. If we all prayed harder, our country would be better. It also keeps you from getting arrested for being too vocal, and keeps us from having to address issues not on our talking points memos, which has a tendency to stall our work for you.

Comrades, thank you for your time.
May the road rise up to meet you and may the wind be always at your back.

God Bless,
Barack and John