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A Treatise on the Cold

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So now that I am writing, I'm realizing that this will be the very opposite of a treatise. You know, "a written work dealing formally and systematically dealing with a subject." No, this article will be some random sputtering from a man who has way too much experience dealing with winter, and Halloween and fall and just basic cold than any reasonable African should. Leggo!

1. Why does it seem that Africans always migrate to cold-ass places? There is a huge Somali population in Minnesota, the Bronx might as well rename itself little Ghana, Ethiopians do their thing in DC and I'm from Wisconsin. Did we all just miss the memo on Miami and L.A?

2. I could never understand why my white friends always wanted me to come to their cabin. I still don't know what those are. A house that is fully furnished in an even colder part of the state? No thank you.

3. And no thank you, I don't wanna ski, snowboard or sled. You must have lost your mind, asking me to strap two sticks to my feet, while grabbing two poles and go careening down a hill. Bye with that.

4. Polar plunge? Kill yourself.

5. When my mom would run out of space in the freezer, she would just set the food and drinks outside. That was my first clue that living in a place like this was complete lunacy.

6. When I was younger, my sisters and I would have to wear snow pants, snow boots, scarf, thermal underwear, coat, gloves, socks and a hat. Winter seriously affected my fashion game.

7. SAD. True story, Africans. Its very real out here.

8. My parents really wanted me to come home for Christmas. It had nothing to do with love. They just wanted me to shovel the driveway.

9. Black people can play hockey. And Cool Runnings is a beautiful movie.

10. The only ice that I actually like is this