Where Did You Get Them?

I'm different. I'm a gay. And I'm a husband. And I am a dad of future twin girl presidents, Rose and Evan. Yes, Evan is the name of my daughter and Evan is also typically a boys name. But that's very now. All the kids with kids are doing it. Go to the park. Call out the name Charlie or Billy. See who looks up. It will surprise you. But that has nothing to do with anything. You should just know.

In preparation for Air Force One travel, we took the girls on their first trip to New York City for the long weekend. Grandma and Grandpa wanted to show off their five month old granddaughters to everyone at their country club on Long Island. Organization and preparation are your friends when you're moving the future leaders of the free world across the United States. But when you get right down to it, you're just a roadie. You're a roadie for a baby. You carry everything this person could possibly want or need on your body at all times. There's really nothing you can't deliver at a moments notice.

"You're cold?"

No, problem, I've got a cashmere sweater right here the size of a bagel. Fits great. You look great.

"Bored?"

How about a stuffed three-eyed guy with a feather for hair? He's in my back pocket. I'll even add a voice when I show him to you.

"No?"

Okay, You wanna bounce?

"Food?"

Not a problem.

"Oh, you'd prefer my knuckle to suck on?"

It's yours. And thank you for spitting up on me. I hate this jacket anyway.

Truth is, they weren't bad. They were great. I've been told it's a lot harder getting Beyonce to Manhattan.

But I digress, that's not really what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the underlying responsibility of being a gay dad. We're trying so hard to fit in. We're trying to get married and share insurance policies and we're trying to go on typical family vacations to see Grandma and Grandpa. I even did my best to describe the normal madness of traveling with small ones. But there's nothing normal about turning the car around when you're half way to the airport because you forgot your daughters birth certificate. That's right. Having Rose and Evan's original, authenticated birth certificate was the other thing this baby roadie had to have on his person. It mattered as much as infant Zantac and warm hats and clean diapers. Keep in mind, we were two men traveling with two little girls. If you look at it with a crooked eye you can make yourself see things. Can you imagine if you had to deal with indignity of having to explain your family? Even worse, proving that your biological daughter was yours?

So this is what really happened.

I stood shoeless in front of the metal detector. Rose was in my arms. Her mouth open just a tiny bit and her eyes as wide as they've ever been in her hundred and thirty five days of life. Behind me was my husband. He held Evan. (Evan is also girl. See first paragraph).

"Step through."

The TSA guard said it like he was talking to a prisoner. I did as I was told. My husband followed. He held a baby in one arm and four business class tickets in the other. The guard looked at the tickets, then looked at us, then looked at the tickets.

"Who's Rose?"

She is. I'm Max, this is Erik and that's Evan. Rose's sister.

"Evan's a girl?"

Yeah. All the kids with kids are doing it.

What?

Nothing.

A moment of silence. Rage started to well up inside of me in anticipation of the next question this giant with a badge was going to ask me. How was this man going to insult my family? In what way would he make me explain my difference?

This is what he said:

"Where did you get them?"

What?

"Where did you get your kids?"

Don't get me wrong. It's a hideously offensive question, but implicit in what he was saying was the fact that we were the dads and they were our daughters. Progress! Progress from a moron. But progress nonetheless. I was feeling some love for the TSA Giant.

I made them.

This threw him, but I had his attention. And there in the middle of LAX with a line snaking to the front door of the airport I began to explain Gestational Surrogacy.

There's a donor. She gives us the eggs. We never meet her. She is not the "mom".

There is no mom. There's a surrogate. She's the oven. (Giants prefer short sentences with small words). My husband and I (the Giant winced) fertilized four eggs. They went inside the surrogate. Two of the eggs took. Fraternal twins were born 8 months and two weeks later. One of them was biologically his. One of them was biologically mine. But they're both ours, you know?

"You can do that?"

You can, Giant.

"Very cool."

He wanted to ask more and I wanted to tell him more. But alas a plane trip was waiting with loving grandparents at the other end.

So back to the responsibility of being a gay father. It turns out the key is the same as it would be if I were a straight father. It's about patience. Showing patience in every way to everyone. I'm different, but not really.

Comments

[IQUE]

I am paraphrasing here....

"You're preoccupied with whether you Could
INTENTIONALLY HAVE CHILDREN WITHOUT a
mother(and in the case of Ms Suleman, a father),
You didn't stop to think if You SHOULD"

If you can provide a happy, safe and nurturing home for a child I applaud
you regardless of your sexuality or marital status. But I think to bypass all
the children that overcrowd and burden the United States foster care
system(that are often left alone in this world) to 'have' children that you alone
mandate will have no, or minimal contact with one of its 'natural parents' and that
parents family is ......a selfish act.

[MissyPat]

Not every state allows gays to adopt. And in my opinion, they are not unlike heterosexuals who feel the need to have their "own". So what's your problem with this?

[xrepublican]

Everyone should have the opportunity to be a parent so they understand what THEIR parents had to deal with...lol

I want to INSIST that my gay kid have children so HE can deal with the know-it-all self-righteousness so typical of ANY 17 year old......lol.....

[RL9632]

It's all well and good to talk about being progressive and smart.

It's all well and good to say the traditional definition of family is changing.

However, here's where it's going to get interesting.

I'd be curious to see in about 20 to 30 years what these children have to say on the matter.

I'm not trying to imply anything except at this point all we know are the wishes of people who want to be parents but their lifestyle prevents it. Therefore, they have to reach outside of their own lifestyle and incorporate elements of someone elses

Don't get me wrong. If you read my posts, you'll see I am a man who lived "out" for years, married a woman and frankly I still live with "the grass is probably greener" syndrome. While I love my wife dearly, she is not the sex I sometimes long for emotionally.

My hats off to gay culture today that is so different from 30 years ago.

While I am a strong proponent of homosexual rights, I am wondering how this openly gay raising children thing is going to play out.

Of course gay people have been raising kids forever. But...there's a new political in your face thing going on.

We'll see.....

[mydwyf]

It won't be 20 or 30 years before we're hearing from the children. Much sooner.
Insofar as possible, children have the right to know who their biological parents are.

In some countries, it is considered more responsible to abort a child you cannot raise than put it up for adoption, for the exact reason that it would be wrong to remove an infant from its biological family.
This mindset would horrify some posters here, but it makes good sense from a genetic perspective. Surrogacy is the ultimate removal of the biological information we owe our children.
From an energetic viewpoint it is a very dark approach to conception.

[carter2004]

"I am wondering how this openly gay raising children thing is going to play out."

Oh, the common conceit that we are constantly on the brink of history.

Openly gay people have been raising children. For centuries. Across a span of cultures far greater than you can apparently imagine. The only thing that's changed is our asinine cultural context which is so hostile to the idea.

[AntsyAmerican]

No reason to assue the question of how you got your kids is offensively meant. Maybe the person is considering their own options, or has loved ones who aren't able to go the traditional route. However, they'd probably say so.

Same with asking if the twins are from fertility treatment. Sure, it's none of your business but I would never take offense because I have been in fertility treatment myself.

[JohnBisceglia]

Funny how HET America is still largely clueless about human sexuality.

My current illegal, undocumented husband Bob (a Vietnam Vet) was married and has 2 children. The last man I dated was divorced and a father of 3. But when 2 men go with 3 young girls to a playground to play frisbee, oh boy, did we get looks, esp. since we were as affectionate in public as ANY couple, yes - even in front of the children!

I liken it to seeing a unicorn juggling - Anyone would do a double-take. It's not something you see often. But unlike the unicorn - WE EXIST.....except in U.S. Family Law.

[Hattie]

To me there is an elephant in the room, and I say this as a woman whose daughter is a lesbian and has two birth daughters by a sperm donor. The reproductive work for these gentlemen of having these two girls was taken on by a woman who, while being paid for the job, still is being exploited. Carrying two infants, going through childbirth, and then giving the babies up is not something you can brush off lightly. This does bother me.
I also have a friend up there in years who had twin boys. Now her husband has left her and she is in her late 60's and coping with two incompliant teenage boys. I don't know. People long for children and put themselves and other through the paces for it, but there are consequences. Well, there are always consequences involved in having kids, but still...

[AntsyAmerican]

Would you consider it exploitation if your daughter donated eggs or carried a child for an infertile family member? Would it matter whether or not she was paid for her time, effort, and risk?

In any adoption, for example, the birth mother is "exploited" according to your logic.

You can bet that if Mr. Mutchnick's children's birth mom had wanted to keep or see the kids, she would have been able to, no questions asked. In some jurisdictions, she may have even been able to keep any money she was given AND sue for child support AND keep the biological father from even seeing the children on "moral values" grounds because he is gay.

So Mr. Mutchnik and has partner also underwent significant emotional and financial risk.

[eilish]

VERY well said, particularly the part about 'rights' for the mother that are constantly exploited. I was a single mom and appalled at the crap I saw being pulled on fathers, even by those 'Christian' women.

[CathyM660]

I have the same reaction. It's the description - "she's the oven". It makes me think of that woman, and what her experience is.

[Benjamynn]

I can understand a traditional feminist interpretation of women's exploitation. However, let me recount mine and my husband's (unique?) experience with our surrogate son. We searched extra hard to find an egg donor who was willing to meet us on the phone. She wanted to donate eggs as an Ivy league student interested in helping to pay for advanced degrees. Our gestational surrogate willingly, after having three of her own children, wanted to assist in giving the gift of parenting to an "infertile" couple. Who more infertile than two men? She became, and remains today, one of our closest, most cherished friends. And let me add, she is a single mother, successful businesswoman, and investor who willingly chose surrogacy two more times after us!

[mydwyf]

These men are not 'infertile'. They are just in an infertile relationship. There is a difference.
Personally, I cannot understand how orientation can trump fertility. There are energetic aspects to conception which are more important than we realize. But the only way to access these energetic fields is to make babies the old-fashioned way . . . nature's way . . .

[staciea]

Carrying two infants (or one in my case), going through childbirth (naturally, no meds), and then giving up the babies (baby) isn't something you can brush off lightly. And I hope no surrogate ever does brush it off lightly. I hope I will always remember how it felt to deliver a baby that was not my own. It was wonderful, fulfilling, emotional, joyful, satisfying. When I give someone a present, I don't ever feel exploited, and didn't as a surrogate either.

A well-selected surrogate enters into the process knowing the child she's growing isn't hers. And when that baby finally emerges, the feeling is so different than when it is your own child. My excitement and anticipation was for the new parents. A woman chooses to be a surrogate because she wants to help create a family. I did that consciously, proudly, and happily. My children learned about same-sex parents and about actively supporting your causes (gay rights). It's one of the greatest things I've done in my life (besides, of course, my own children), and I will gladly do it again.

I can't brush it off lightly-- I'll hopefully live with the joy of it every day.

[Steamboater]

Of course it would have been better if the male guard after having asked, "You can do that?" said, "Hmmm...me and my husband will have to look into that."

Patience is one thing but with Obama as president marriage for Gays, with leadership from the White House, is dead. It's not something he wants to talk about unless forced to by a reporter.

Obama's made it clear. He'll fight to the last for our equal rights but only seperate but equal rights; civil unions are not marriage. So thanks Obama but no thanks. You can give us inclusion in job and housing security etc and lots of talk about respecting other people's differences but when you keep us seperate but equal there's always going to be the perception by those whose minds you want to change (ahhh change) that Gays and lesbians are still beyond the norm and prejudices are somehow how valid.

(I've posted this before but it's relevant to Mutchnik's column. When my lover died after 24 yrs together, the 2 kids he had adopted 6 yrs prior to his death were taken away by DCS the day after he died and put back into foster care. I had no rights in TN. The kids had no rights. A lawyer told me a judge wouldn't even hear the case. So I'm not so patient; I'm angry and I don't want to be patient any more.)

[AntsyAmerican]

I hear you. I am disappointed in certain things Obama has said and done too though I don't have dogs in those fights. Well, the minor issue is that I just cannot believe he actually thinks there is an ancient desert sky god in charge of things. But he has to profession Christian belief not only because we live in a country of children but because those children are convinced he is secretly a member of a "bad" religion.

It's ironic -- he could dispel the muslim rumors by admitting he has given up imaginary friends -- but then it would be that he is Godless.

So people like me are still a little seperate-but-equal should we ever contemplate running for office.

[eilish]

I am so sorry. And yes, also disappointed in the 'Christian right' tendencies shown by Obama.

[Rain Perry]

That is horrible. I'm very sorry.

About Obama: I don't think the story's over. He said during the campaign that he wasn't sure he was right about this issue.

[blustate135]

I'm sure you don't appreciate strangers trying to get in your personal business (and who does?); it sounds like you handled it politely and patiently. But instead of taking it as an insult, aside from whatever his professional obligations are, maybe the guy was just curious. It doesn't sound like he was trying to be malicious, especially ending with "Very cool." An open dialogue isn't such a terrible thing. The more people are exposed to things that are unfamiliar to them, the less "scary" it will seem. Maybe the guy is the father of a gay son and he's just trying to open his mind... you never know.

[Steamboater]

I got the same impression.

[DenaSilver]

It may be difficult, but it's good they do their job. You can understand it's unusual to see two dads with two baby girls. You're part of a minority; and it's good you figure out healthy ways to deal with that. You did the right thing. You handled it with dignity. And with humor. You're helping others by writing this,
but ...the security people did the right thing, and let's be glad.

So they lack finesse--some of them do/some don't. As long as you have your rights, you can deal with their lack of finesse.
This goes for others groups, too. We're all in this together. God forbid, if someone took your children, you'd want them stopped. Two men DO look more suspicious than a man and a woman (even tho' a man and a woman could be more lethal, of course).
Thanks, though, for alert--we should all be more sensitive.

[xdevildawg4u]

If they're only doing their job then why is it you NEVER hear of women being questioned at the airport when they accompany children on a plane without a man in tow?

This is NOT just about "doing their job", it's about gender discrimination where males are suspect and females aren't even though non-custodial mothers are every bit as likely to kidnap their children as non-custodial fathers, it's just that our family court system, and our culture make sure that there are more non-custodial fathers.

[PaceSetter]

My Mother was dying and had a final wish: to see her granddaughter one last time. When someone has a week to live and cancer is eating her alive (or dead, as the case may be) there's not much to think about. I hopped a plane back from Vancouver down to LA to pick-up my daughter and fly back with her on the same day. Her mom was on call up at the hospital so I grabbed my daughter's clothes and passport and headed back to LAX.

No problem getting on the plane at all. Security? A-OK. But when we landed in Vancouver, yeesh! I had no idea!

Concerned that a dad was leaving the country where his wife is a citizen and traveling alone with his daughter back to his country of origin with no paperwork, Immigration separated me from my five year old and asked her where she was going, if her mommy knew where she was, and if she was OK. In retrospect, I greatly appreciate the Canadians doing the job that perhaps security should have done before we even got on the plane. (and now I know better!)

I think the TSA guy sounded like he was just doing his job and ultimately, genuinely curious about the how's and how-to's - not very big-brotherly at all. But maybe I'm just comparing it to my experience of being asked to "step away from the child".

[xdevildawg4u]

Again, that's wonderful. The problem is the policy is not applied to all people escorting children, only to men. Non-custodial mothers can kidnap their children and leave the country and be accepted into another country without one question being asked about the father. My issue is not with the security or the need to ask such questions. My issue is with the gender bias that is applied to these situations. As a gay father I get tired of being constantly suspected of foul play. I've been on trips with my sister and her children. I get questioned every time while she goes straight through

[Jim281]

Congratulations on your young family!

And don't be too discouraged by the ignorant attitudes of people like 'Giant'.

There is no cure for dumb!!!

[rhettisha]

Thanks for this educative post, Max. Just as a reminder to all, in Florida it is against the law for gay men and women to adopt children. And although it is currently legal in Florida to take Max and his husband's expensive approach to parenthood, only one of the father's can be named as the legal parent. So if the worst of your problems is getting insulted by a security guard, you're doing pretty well.

[xdevildawg4u]

WRONG!

Please don't spread misinformation.

Surrogacy is legal in Florida for MARRIED COUPLES ONLY. Since gays and lesbians are CONSTITUTIONALLY barred from marriage surrogacy is illigal and unavailable to them in the state. Lesbians can't even receive artificial insemenation without lying about their sexual orientation.

[rhettisha]

Wrong! You are wrong. Many men in Florida have hired surrogate mothers, but if they are in gay relationships, only one of the parents is listed on the birth certificate.

[lynninny]

First of all, congratulations on your lovely family.

Second, sorry for your experience, truly, and kudos for your patience, which is an example for us all.

Trying to be even more Ghandi-esque, I am sure that being an airport security guard these days is just not so fun. I was stopped a few years ago. My children are mixed race, and looked very Asian as babies. I am Caucasian, and my passport had my new married name stamped in the back (officially, but it looked badly done and sketchy, I guess). Put it short, they didn't naturally look like my babies, and at first glance, had different last names, and I was asked, "They're YOURS?" with incredulity. I didn't have their birth certificates because I was told online that I did not need them. At the time, I was flying by myself with 6 m.o. twins, car seats and all, trying to take all that crap off and get it through the detector, and I was really annoyed. But, as another comment mentioned, I am trying "to be the change I wish to see," so I smiled at the man, and said, "Yes, I am so lucky."

[Chaimirija]

Just be Dad

Forget the adjective

[GayGrandpa]

Forget being gay? When hypocrits make laws against us and then cheat on their wives in airport bathrooms or chase their pledges while making more anti-gay laws?

It is given to gay men and women to be the best parents and grandparents they can be...because we are always being under attack and questioned and judged!

It is annoying. It is challenging...but forget being gay, hide it, or try to make it invisible - NEVER!

I am proud to be a gay dad and America's gay grandpa! GAY is a great adjective for any person.

[southwindow]

agreed!

[xdevildawg4u]

As a gay dad myself I say DON'T YOU DARE forget the adjective! Chaimirija is giving you the same advice that I used to always hear white people give black people in Mississippi where I grew up, "don't be a 'black' doctor, just be a doctor". Well that's crap. As long as most of America refuses to see us, acknowlege us and respect us as gay people and gay fathers then we MUST continue to MAKE SURE that they know we are BOTH.

I understand the point Chaimirija was trying to make but I would bet the he/she is not a gay father and therefore doesn't realize how wrong his advice was and why.

[Paprikapink]

one man + one man = two babies....seems to me "how'd you do THAT?" is a pretty reasonable question.

[4akinderworld]

None. of. his. business.
My in-laws had six caucasian, healthy children. All adopted. How'd they do THAT?