Where Is My Martin Luther Queen?

It was Gay Pride this past weekend in Los Angeles. Traffic was terrible. My husband and I sat in gridlock on Sunset Boulevard. We were bringing our daughters to music class just like we do every Sunday. It's a class designed to teach the girls how to appreciate musical sounds, play crude instruments and sing simple songs with other little people. When I say little people I don't want you to get the impression that they're taking a music class with Peter Dinklage and Linda Hunt. I mean, little people in the old-fashioned way... you know, babies. Can you imagine, they're nine months old and we take them to a music class. They still think my eyeball is a toy. So music class is really a place where you watch your kids shove plastic clackers in their mouths, lick the carpet and shit in their diaper if the songs with drum beats have to much bass in them. It's more of a mucus class than anything -- but we go because that's what you do, right?

Stuck in our car, with our sweet babies sleeping, we watched hundreds of gay men migrate towards the hub of the Pride parade. It's at the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and San Vincente in West Hollywood. I was surprised by how few lesbians we saw, but I think they arrive earlier so they can deal with parking and possible crowd issues.

From the car, I noticed gay men are working a new look this season. It's the Adam Lambert. Some really go for it with the blue hair tint and the black nail polish. But overall, most gays stick to the look that has always served them well. You know it:

--Be young (even if you're not).

--Be a size 2.

--Messy hair (that takes an hour to do).

--An over-washed thermal shirt that shows belly skin when you wave.

--Incorporate leather string somewhere:
a. around the neck with a bead
b. wrapped a dozen times around the wrist
c. a simple anklet...also with a bead
d. all of the above

-- Work a good butt in good jeans you stole from your sister.

This look is called the Kris Allen.

Anyhoo, when we were planning our weekend, I thought it might be a cool idea to take the kids to Gay Pride after music class. I could just see us putting them in Baby Bjorns and walking amongst our people and really being a part of it. But as I sat in my car, watching from the periphery, I started to worry. Were these my people? I used to get comforting goose bumps at Gay Pride parades. I am a part of something. These sexual outlaws and gender pioneers are my brothers and sisters and we are part of a community. But for the first time, I felt like an outsider.

Dykes on bikes, Tarzana Trannies, Jewish Leather Daddies and Kathy Griffin's mom. Don't get me wrong. I love these people. Let's call them the "Usual Suspects." They fought for my rights and taught me how to dance. But they should no longer be representing "the pride." It's a different time. For god's sake, Larry Craig is a life-long homosexual. What I'm trying to say is that "unremarkable" mainstream people are gay, too. So I cringe when a local newsperson shoves a microphone in the face of some young 95-pound twink (Straight Translation: a twink is a skinny homosexual with a lot of moxie). The twink looks into the camera and screams into the reporter's microphone: "Get down here now. The drinks are big. But you know what's bigger..." He laughs in a high-pitched cackle and his "girlfriends" join in. I wish they'd read more and drink less.

I'm depressed. Why is this the voice speaking for me?

I know there were many types of interesting, smart people on the parade route showing their support. But guess what, guys and gals? None of you have a loud enough, strong enough or powerful enough voice to be heard over the thumping techno backbeat of the big gay parade. This is a huge problem. Sad, but true. The mainstream media still has no better choice but to showcase the extremes of gay life. I mean, imagine if we used the Mardi Gras as the singular way we'd depict straight folk. The public would be lead to believe that all men wear jock straps on their heads and all women like to do is show us their tits.

So you understand my pain when I see one of the "usual suspects" on the news?
Is he supposed to be my leader?
He's not my leader!
Where is my leader?!
Why doesn't the gay world have a leader?
Where is my Jesse Jackson?
Where is my Martin Luther King?
Where is my Barack Obama?
Wait! Him! Why not him? Why isn't this modern man speaking up for me and protecting my civil rights?

Something is very wrong here. I guess it would be nice to have a leader for the gay movement. But he or she has not presented him or herself. So why not kill two birds with one stone? Let's hire Barack Obama. I want Barack to be my leader, just like he is for all Americans. Maybe I don't need a separate leader. Maybe I don't need a separate anything anymore. I know I don't want a gay flag. I only cover my heart with my hand when I stand beneath the stars and stripes of the American flag. Because that's what I am before anything else. Rainbows don't cut it for me anymore. And they certainly haven't protected me. I have no desire to wrap myself in that rainbow. So why isn't Barack standing up and waving the American flag for me?

It should be him.

He said he would do it. But this is all we got:

Last night President Obama issued a memorandum to extend limited benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees. A memorandum? A memo? That doesn't sound very equal rights-ish.

TO: The Gays

FROM: The President of the United States
RE: If you're going to use the fridge, label your food.

That's what I think a memo is. President Obama's memo was almost as worthy. He's giving same-sex benefits to federal employees with major omissions. It's crumbs, people. It's nothing. It's basically a reaction to some noise. He thinks he's throwing us a bone. He could and should have done this on his first day in office. Why isn't he talking about big picture issues? Why isn't he making or preparing the country for sweeping change? The wise gay elders tell me that I should respect this baby step. It is, after all, his first "gay experience" in office. But I say, "no." I want more from MY leader. He's making news because he's giving his gay employees almost the same benefits as he gives his straight employees. Why are we celebrating this?!

Before 1967, his parents would have been arrested for their marriage. Why aren't we being more demanding of this president? And why isn't he more understanding of our position? It's time for us to lose our patience. He should have a deeper understanding of this inequality -- at the very least, deep down in his heart I want to believe he does. He says, for religious reasons, he believes that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I call bullshit, Mr. President. I don't believe that's your personal view. You're being a politician when you say that. You're too intelligent for that. You were a constitutional law professor. Even I know the 14th Amendment means that separate but equal is not equal.

Hey, wait a minute. I just realized something.

It's your job is to be my leader, Barack! When I voted for you, I believed in the integrity of your words as a leader for all citizens, not just most. So back it up with action. It's time you stood out there in front of the Washington Monument and made a speech on my behalf. It's time. It would start something like this:

"I have a dream. I have a dream for some queens..."

This would really give my little daughters something to sing about in music class, Mr. President.

Comments

[beckpod1]

I'm white and straight and I believe that gays deserve every right that any other human can get.
Brothers and sisters no matter what!
But this issue is not like what the black community had to and still has to live with.
Martin Luther King was the bravest American ever to live...and what he did(and by his words are still doing)has helped all humans. In his own country which touted the American flag...he was threatened by his own government...the FBI...CIA....KKK. And they shot him. We all know they shot him!
He never asked for anything more than what America was falsely offering.
Sex is over-rated and a choice for all....and we all know keeps life going. Martin Luther stood for respect for everyone regardless of that.

[jhanawalt]

Gay activists were also targeted by the government, arrested, institutionalized, and harassed by hate groups; and as we should all know, openly-gay politician and gay-rights pioneer Harvey Milk was also assassinated.

I agree with people who say the pun on MLK jr's name in the title of this article is disrespectful. I do not, however, agree that comparing the black civil rights movement and the gay civil rights movement is disrespectful or at all inappropriate.

Also, being gay is not just about gay sex, it is about socialization and relationships, which extend into all areas of our lives. And in this context, there isn't an equal choice to be made. Yes, straight people can also choose not to have sex, not to form relationships, and not to benefit from the rights granted by unions such as marriage; but in most US states gay people still can't choose to do the opposite.

[SiberianRat]

uite frankly, I find all of this complaining very tiresome, and as a gay person, I'm tired of the anti-Obama whining. Moreover, I think to compare the situation today in the US for gays to the situation for Blacks kind of offensive. Yes, we cannot marry and yes, I think we should be able to. However, Obama cannot make it so, and at least right now, I think he's smart to be a little quieter about this. The GOP is in tatters, and they'd galvanize behind the gay marriage issue. Also, quite frankly, I think that schooling our children, providing healthcare for our citizens, and repairing frayed relationships with other countries are far more dire problems. It's easy to try and blame him because it allows one to trick themselves into thinking someone else is responsible for their lives--happiness and well-being is an inside job. American gays have it much much better than most of the rest of the world. Many complain of anti-gay sentiment while spouting anti-hetero sentiment--both are ridiculous. They point to others on Prop 8 rather than accepting that the "campaign" for that was dismal. Many equate activism with being obnoxious and insulting. And now many are waiting for Obama to wave a magic wand and moaning and crying that he hasn't...(sigh)

I agree with comments below about Gavin Newsome, and quite honestly, I think people like him are far better ambassadors for LGBTs than they are for themselves.

[sprtakis69]

Boyinboycott - It is truly sad that you think a person having or dying from AIDS is funny. Will & Grace was a comedy and I don't believe AIDS fits in to that category. Having HIV, the virus that can lead to AIDS isn't all that funny either. Additionally, people who have HIV/AIDS aren't only living in the gay community.

[BoyInBOYCOTT]

Designing women was a comedy show, and did a very touching AIDS episode.
btw MY lover died of AIDS in 1990.

[BoyInBOYCOTT]

btw
In all the years of Will and Grace, and NONE of the characters ever knew someone with AIDS.

how precious, what bizarro universe was this show filmed in?

[diogenes1967]

Now see, people here would be amazed to know that "teh gays" do not like this man nor this essay. This is the other thing that we need to take back; our image.

[RedDogBear]

Or you could start thinking like individuals. I'm a disabled, atheist, single father but I'm me not a member of some herd. But I do agree Will and Grace sucked.

[RedDogBear]

Forgot to mention I'm also straight. So I'm sure many would say I have no right to even comment, but here's the thing, I've identified with the LGBT community since I knew what it was. In HS I would get beat up right along with the gay kids because my hair was too long, I liked arts and music more than sports, and I liked to hang out with girls as friends as well as trying (at that time unsucesfully) to f* them. My point is (and I know I'm rambling here) that I think all these identity politics divisions are BS and only help to get people fighting against each other rather than working for their common interest. Right now the DINOs and republicans are watering down health care. For a lot of gay and straight people (although not the Yuppie DB who brought us Will and Grace) that is going to matter a lot more than if they have to travel to another state to get married. We need to work together not just whine about our specific interests.

[goodgravy]

he's right under your nose and he's running for governor. gavin newsom.

[David Drissel]

Harvey Milk was the "Martin Luther Queen" of the gay rights movement. Like MLK, he emerged from the grassroots and was an early pubic advocate of expanding civil rights for an oppressed minority group. Sadly, he was assassinated during his prime, as was King. Through the recent movie, Milk, his legacy is living on and inspiring a new generation of young people. President Obama, for whom I worked hard during the campaign, is indeed committed to expanding gay rights, but has appeared to move slowly in prodding Congress to repeal DOMA and DODT. However, Obama inherited an incredible economic mess and two wars from his predecessor, which have understandably been his main focus thus far. Let's give the President a bit more time to move on gay rights issues before we become overly critical. i have high hopes that Obama will become the most progressive president on gay rights issues in our history.

[superstition]

"Let's give the President a bit more time to move on gay rights issues before we become overly critical. i have high hopes that Obama will become the most progressive president on gay rights issues in our history."

Hope based on what? On the firing of 245 veterans since he took office? On the filing of a brief defending DADT? On the filing of a legal brief defending DOMA that compares our relationships to incest and pedophilia?

Truman racially integrated the military by executive order with only 13% of the public in support of that action. 70% of the public wants DADT ended right now. How is the President being progressive when 60% of conservatives want DADT ended right now?

The excuses fail. They don't just fail lightly. They fail with a heavy thud.

[CatfishAndGrits]

And that's the problem. You want to do thing with as much as a majority as you can. 13% is not a majority. The LGBT community has lasted this long, and it is ridiculous to pretend all things (gay, immigration, health, energy, women issues) have to be solved by this president in 6 months. The LGBT community is being totally unreasonable.

[wdw505]

"early pubic advocate" not sure what that is at all

[brilett]

God - the guy who brought gay sterotypes to prime time (and more transphobia than I care to remember) is disquieted by stereotypes.

No one ever looks at Mardi Gras and thinks - so - that's what straight & cisgender peoples lives are like......loud, drunken, highly provacative cosutumes, constant sexual comments. Maybe what we need to get over is treating these any differently from something like Mardi Gras. Why doesn't the newsmedia stick cameras on some of these folks, ask them about policy questions & present them as representatives of everyone straight.

Maybe someone who has connections to the media & television could make that point? And perhaps point out that they can do stories on our peeps and institutions during other times than Pride Week?

Hey - at least our celebrations odn't look like straight peeps after a sports victory. Looting , rape, violence. Bad hair.

[rextrek]

a slap in the face to Law abiding tax paying LGBT people who've been in long term relationships/some with children,and even grandchildren........they can't marry....but a CONVICTED KILLER in PRISON for life and even on death row (with no chance of parole)and as long as he/she is heterosexual -> CAN MARRY...?????? ....WTF is wrong with this picture in America 2009???

[antaeus]

It's a long-standing prejudice in American culture. Europe had two brutal wars on its soil that accelerated social change. But in America, our social mores, like our infrastructure, is antiquated.

What did you do to change the culture besides make one visit to the voting booth last November?

[SiberianRat]

Nice comment. It's easier to blame others for our unhappiness than to take responsibility for it.

[coolhandhand]

Marriage is a biological fact regulated by state primarly because of childbirth. The state actually has little or no interest in coupling outside of procreation. This obsession with marriage as coupling is a modern and temporary notion-in the end nature will have the last word and the state will fall its cue.

[RL9632]

I have a question for you.

Why do gay couples think it necessary to act “just like” straight couples?

The way you started this piece, it is obvious you are trying to impress the reader with your sameness.

Perhaps part of the problem with society accepting the gay agenda is this.

Gay couples are NOT just like straight couples, no matter how many children and soccer games you bring into the mix.

And…to your question I say this.

If and until the gay community stops with the queer routine, it’s going to be hard to find someone who is qualified and interested in representing the gay cause on a larger scale.

Just my opinion….

(Let's see how long this post stays online)

[RL9632]

typo.

s/b Just my opinion...

[SiberianRat]

You're somewhat right, IMO. But I want to say that the "gay community" doesn't necessarily represent the gay population. I'm frustrated with the public face of homosexuality and cannot relate to it at all. I don't like the term "queer," and I don't want a Martin Luther Queen (btw, why queen? For me, being gay isn't about gender confusion--I may be gay, but I'm still a guy). We're as diverse as any other segment of the population--don't draw conclusions by what you see on TV.

[RL9632]

"don't draw conclusions by what you see on TV."

I personally know a good bit about the gay world. In the 70's I was in the military and knew Leonard Matlovich when he was in the Air Force. Read about him. He had a great deal to do with changing how gays are treated in the military. I was discharged for homosexuality about the same time. I later lived with the Pastor of an MCC church in it's early day. I lived out several years.

Eventually I ended up meeting a girl and getting married. I've been married quite a while and have not slept with a man in a long time.

However, I still read about the gay culture and chat with gay men. I also chat with married men who play on the side.

I became a Christian, but not a homophobic fundamentalist. Just a man who decided he had been with too many guys and decided to settle down with a woman who was in love with me and who I loved too.

It hasn't been easy though. I really miss being with guys sometimes.

However....I have thought long and hard about what the gay culture is about, how it needs to evolve to successfully integrate and how the straight world needs to change it's attitude.

No...I don't draw conclusions from what I see on TV. Well maybe one. I think the gay men on TV are frequently way too sterotypical.

[Patricia84]

Brian Kinney, is that you? Or is it maybe Michael after Babylon was burned down?

[oafishcad]

One of the reasons that prop 8 passed in California is the perception by minority communities that this was a bunch of rich men whining. Gays do not need a rich man whining as their spokesperson. Taking a baby to music class? How useless is that? You could take that money and donate it towards homeless gays and lesbians, an under served group if there ever was one. Gays don't need a leader or Messiah. They need justice. No begging for equality. Just justice.

[EqualMeansEqual]

Its not gays fault that certain communities have homophobia in them. Gays deserve the right to marry, even " evil rich white oppressive gays". Whining is not standing up for your rights to be treated like every other group.

It pathetic how the bigoted "evil white oppressive gays" insults have been slung around on this site by hypocritically bigoted people.

[oafishcad]

You're right that it isn't the victim's fault that they're victimized. I'm just saying this post feeds the stereotype that the bigots use to explain away their bigotry against gays.

[RL9632]

"Its not gays fault that certain communities have homophobia in them. Gays deserve the right to marry"

I think there's a problem with your logic.

You see, a person isn't necessarily homophobic just because they don't support gay marriage. Indeed, homophobes are opposed to gay marriage, but they're opposed to anything that helps gays.

"Gay marriage" and "gay rights" aren't one in the same. Gays need full legal protection for their relationships and for themselves. Civil Unions would accomphlish this if they are written to be the same as traditional marriage.

One of the mistakes some gays and liberals are making is equating the two and accusing anyone who doesn't agree to be homophobe.

This kind of thinking is not helping the gay cause, IMO.

[Marie9]

Where are your leaders and elected representatives?

#2 - Obama is only one half of the government.

#3 - Not many bills get passed w/o Congress.

#4 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. did not get to see his work manifest, which is still a work in progress.

[oafishcad]

There are 3 branches of government.

[goodgravy]

dich cheney says there are 4. ;-)

[Kirk59]

If you want DOMA repealed the Congress has to do it, the President can not do it by himself. When it was voted into law in 1996 the vote was overwhelmingly in favor. I think it is a stupid law and probably unconstitutional, so where is the lawsuit to force SCOTUS to overturn it? Surely if Congress votes to repeal it, Obama will sign that bill. All you need is a simple majority.
Gays do need their own MLK working outside the government. Obama is everyone's President, not just yours. He is even Rick Warren's President. You can't hire him as spokesperson. The MLK for the gay civil rights movement needs to come from common stock, not from Hollywood. If they were a minister that would be even better, to undercut the evangelicals and their biblical objection to gay marraige.
I hope you get all your civil rights. I am on your side, but you need to convince a whole lot more straight folks to join your cause.

[oafishcad]

Lincoln was the slave owners' President as well as the slaves' President. He ended slavery. He had a brass pair. I voted for Obama because I thought he had the brains and the courage to do the right thing. I give him 4 years.

[Gretel1or2]

Ending slavery was a very small step (albeit an important one) towards achieving equal rights for Blacks. For scores of decades afterwards, Blacks were legally considered to be inferior (as in sub-human) and treated as such.

I think you are fair to give him four years, but six months is very unreasonable in my opinion.

[chitown]

"Lincoln was the slave owners' President as well as the slaves' President. He ended slavery. He had a brass pair. "

If the slave owners had accepted Lincoln as their President, there wouldn't have been a Civil War. And the Emancipation Proclamation didn't free anyone. Black people had to free themselves by escaping. Slavery didn't end until the Civil War ended, but Jim Crow and segregation kept black people in quasi-slavery for decades after.

Perhaps most posters are too young to remember the Equal Rights Amendment, which simply declared that men and women were equal before the law. Women have made great strides for equality in this society, but the amendment has yet to be passed.

There has been a seismic shift in public perception of gay people and their place in society, but don't make the mistake in thinking that, because complete marriage equality and the right to serve openly in the military seem self-evident, that there is enough support across the country to pass laws assuring those rights. If there were, we wouldn't be posting on this thread. Change is coming, but change takes time, and it takes effort. If you believe that President Obama can wave a magic wand and confer marriage rights and the right to serve openly in the military to gays, or that he is withholding those rights because he's lacking in courage or just mean, you are not living in reality.

[Marie9]

Where are your own leaders and elected representatives?

#2 -- There are two branches of government -- remember -- Obama is one-half of that.

#3 -- It is not likely he is going to be able to do it a lone without Congress.

#4 -- Martin Luther did not get to see the progress he started, and it still is not complete.

[gregh121]

#2 There are THREE branches of government.

#4 Martin Luther started a reform movement within Christianity in the 16th century. His followers are called Lutherans.

[Dem4Lyfe]

Did I miss something? Did President Obama ever say anything about legalizing same sex marriage during his campaign? In fact, he said he believed in civil unions if I remember correctly. I'm not so sure that Obama is going to be "your" leader. He is mine, regardless of what he does. The only Democratic presidential candidate I remember saying gay marriage should be legal was Kucinich. Can you really expect Obama to answer that call? He never did to begin with.

[superstition]

He said DOMA is abhorrent and said he was going to be a "fierce advocate". At a fundraiser in 2008 Michele Obama made the comments about the civil rights struggle "from Selma to Stonewall".

[hrairss]

Great article, Mr Mutchnick.

It's one thing for Obama to fulfill his promises to out community over (appropriate) time, which most of us would understand, considering what he's dealing with, but it's another thing when these issues come up on their own, and he CHOOSES to the the wrong thing, to do the opposite of what he said he would do.

If the time is not right for him to repeal DOMA, then the time is NEVER right to defend an unconstitutional (in his beliefs) law using archaic and hurtful arguments.

And to all of you who think the gay community has to organize a struggle to win out rights... go back to 1969. We did get beaten, jailed and all that good stuff. Just because it has taken us 40 years and counting to get our full civil rights doesn't mean we haven't fought our fight.

Mr Obama, there is nothing more unattractive than someone who flat out lies about something so clear cut. If you thought, as you claimed, that DOMA had to be repealed, don't send out your people and have them defend it. And when you do, don't come back to our community for money and support until you've first explained yourself, and second, corrected your mistake.

We're all waiting. You have about 3 years to do it, or don't bother knocking on our door. If we have to wait our turn with you, so do you, with us.

[antaeus]

Obama is one of the most enlightened and progressive president we've had in American history, but you're writing him off? Or only giving him one term? Only true Hollywood narcissists and their kind could think like that.

Foundational social change is a painfully slow process, and I hate to break it to you, but top-down change by fiat doesn't work: it's shallow, forced, and engenders a profound reaction.

Full equality for women has been a centuries-long process, and it's still not done. Toni Morrison compared the pace of the black civil rights movement to "a slow walk of trees." Do you grasp the metaphor?

Binary opposition is built into the American political system, and a third progressive party is not going to be viable in 2012. Dumping Obama makes no sense.

[RedDogBear]

Amazing. Best comment I've read in quite a while.