At some point on Oct. 1, 2015, someone somewhere uploaded a video to YouTube entitled, "What Do You Mean / Epic Segway Dance Cover @justinbieber."
The question we need answered is this: Did whoever uploaded the video know, at that exact moment, that humanity as we now know it would never be the same?
"What Do You Mean / Epic Segway Dance Cover @justinbieber" clocks in at two minutes and 50 seconds, but it's actually much longer than that, as it is impossible to watch the video without immediately going back to the start and watching it again.
The video features five male dancers riding Segways (or PhunkeeDucks or Hoverboards or whatever) in choreographed motion to create what is inarguably an Epic Segway Dance Cover of "What Do You Mean?" by Justin Bieber. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing humanity has ever created. Sorry, cheeseburgers.
Let us walk through some of the video's greatest moments, starting with our protagonist, who we will refer to from here on out as Robert.
Oh, you say texting while Segway-ing is dangerous? Robert couldn't care less what you think. He needs to meet up with The Boys ASAP.
Now, Robert doesn't meet up with his friends like you meet up with your friends. No, he does it in a way that is so much cooler than you, so much smoother. Oh, hi, guys. Didn't see you there.
The thing you need to know about the five dancers who make up the "What Do You Mean / Epic Segway Dance Cover @justinbieber" dance crew is that they are more in time with one another than the earth is with the moon, than the sun is with the planets. That all goes to say: they are really coordinated with one another.
Let's take a moment and give credit where credit is due. It's not just the dancers who do great work in the YouTube video "What Do You Mean / Epic Segway Dance Cover @justinbieber." It is also the camera people. This is some "Matrix"-level stuff.
Honestly, these guys are just really good at Segway-ing while incorporating dance moves into their lives.
Oh, did you want to see how much more amazing that move got?
Then there is the stop. Man, is there the stop. Could watch these guys turn and stop all day, honestly. "Oh!" Robert seems to scream. That is the confidence of a man who knows he is better at what he does than anyone else on the planet, like Michael Jordan in the '90s.
But hey, you can't Segway while dancing forever. So at some point. it's time to say goodbye with an epic friend hold-slash-jump thing. All you can say is "Wow." Wow.
Thank you, "What Do You Mean / Epic Segway Dance Cover @justinbieber." Thank you. Somewhere, Justin Bieber is crying tears of joy. We certainly are.
The people of the Internet had a grand old time this week mercilessly making fun of a group of young ladies who were caught taking selfies and enjoying themselves at a Wednesday baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and Arizona Diamondbacks.
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The announcers of a recent game between the Colorado Rockies and Arizona Diamondbacks were absolutely miffed when they discovered a bunch of friends who were taking photos of themselves and having fun while at a Major League Baseball game.
The friends can be seen in the above video taking photos, eating various snacks, laughing and generally having a great time instead of watching two teams who are combined 143-173 for the season play each other in a game of zero consequence.
Rather than commend the women for attending a game between two teams that have no hope of making the postseason, however, the announcers take to mocking their selfie-taking fun.
Some choice quotes:
- "Do you have to make faces when you take selfies?"
- "'That's the best one of the 300 pictures I've taken of myself today.'" [Mocking voice]
- "EVERY GIRL IN THE PICTURE IS LOCKED INTO THEIR PHONE. [Other guy: Oooh, lord.] EVERY SINGLE ONE IS DIALED IN. WELCOME TO PARENTING IN 2015. THEY'RE ALL JUST COMPLETELY TRANSFIXED BY THE TECHNOLOGY."
- "'Hold on, gotta take a selfie with the hot dog, selfie with the churro, selfie just of the selfie.'" [Mocking voice]
- "Peralta knocks it into center. David tonight 2-2, a leadoff single here in the fourth, aaaand nobody noticed."
- "I can't even get my phone to take pictures."
- "You know the beauty of baseball is you can sit next to your neighbor and have a conversation, or you can just completely ignore them."
- "Can we do an intervention?"
Poor announcers, what they don't realize is that taking selfies at baseball games has become something of a baseball tradition. Sure, it's a tradition less time-honored than, say, Cracker Jacks or getting in a verbal altercation with the drunk guy in Section 118, but that's only because selfie creators, otherwise known as smartphones, haven't existed as long as Cracker Jacks or mean, drunk people!
That's not to mention another important fact: Baseball games can be mind-numbingly boring but taking selfies with friends at baseball games is always fun. Check out this selfie I recently took with two of my friends at a Staten Island Yankees game.
Who won? No idea. To be honest, it doesn't matter. What matters is I remember having fun with my friends. Thanks, Instagram!
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Who is the "The young Jamaican trainer," as the YouTube videos call him? We can't say with any certainty for now. He is a mystery in a way. But that's no reason to delay spreading his superior philosophy. And what is his philosophy? "Strength! Strength! No weakness!" It almost makes too much sense.
The young Jamaican trainer's messages are simple -- "If you want to be muscle, you have to work out!" -- but the passion with which he promotes them is what has made him my newest life coach. He believes in working out more than you've ever believed in anything.
He also clearly loves his friends and family and isn't afraid to give them praise when they deserve it. "Look at that," he says as he pulls the camera in. "Flex 'em. The muscle. See that the six pack -- that's what we call a six pack."
At this point I thought to myself, "Yeah, if that little kid can have a six-pack, why can't I?" I then took another bite of my doughnut.
Muscle is what young Jamaican trainer loves, and that is why we love the young Jamaican trainer. Life, happiness, passion, purpose -- it's all based around muscle. He has a purpose in and passion for life. Teach us, young Jamaican trainer.
Oh, and this other kid is cool, too.
The attorney representing the accuser of Chicago Blackhawk's Patrick Kane said in a press conference on Wednesday that the woman's rape kit had been tampered with.
The attorney, Thomas Eoannou, said that the rape kit was anonymously delivered to the front door of the accuser's mother's house on Tuesday, ripped open.
“This is no hoax,” Eaonnou reportedly said, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
Police are investigating accusations that Kane sexually assaulted the woman on Aug. 2 in Hamburg, New York. Kane has not been charged with a crime. The Buffalo News reported over the weekend that the rape kit provided no evidence of Kane's DNA on the accuser's genital area nor undergarments.
From Eoannou's prepared statement, via Uproxx:
With concerns of the integrity of that evidence, on Tuesday, the rape kit was anonymously delivered to [the accuser’s] mother. It contains my client’s identity, birth date, location where it was done, and confirms the nurse’s initials who [administered the kit]. As you can see from the pictures, this evidence bag has been ripped open. The purpose of the evidence bag is to protect the items from tampering. In my 30 years plus in law, I have never seen an evidence bag outside of a police lab. On behalf of my client, I am requesting an independent investigation from a separate law-enforcement agency.
Eoannou reportedly asked that the FBI or state police be called in to help to lead an independent investigation. Hamburg Police have since issued a statement that said the department would "cooperate with any authorized investigation regarding the handling of evidence and the procedure of such," but that it has "documentation that unequivocally demonstrates" the department acted in accordance with standard procedure.
Following the allegations of tampering, Kane's attorney, Paul Cambria, held a press conference in which he said his team has no reason to alter evidence, but that someone else might.
“The only one who might have an incentive to have the evidence questioned would be someone who is not pleased with the results," he said in part. "We are pleased with the results."
Need help? In the U.S., visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline operated by RAINN. For more resources, visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center's website.
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The highly flawed but unambiguously influential Floyd Mayweather Jr. isn’t fighting anymore, but that doesn’t mean he has gone away for good. Mostly that's inevitably going to be for the worse. But this week, it wasn't such a bad thing.
Mayweather’s uncle Jeff asked the five-division champion in a video posted Monday what he thought about UFC fighter Nick Diaz receiving a five-year suspension last week for testing positive for marijuana for a third time.
“Huh?” Mayweather responded. “Man, let that man smoke weed [and] enjoy his life."
The decision has led to intense criticism of the seemingly arbitrary manner in which the Nevada State Athletic Commission doles out punishments, including from the UFC's most popular fighter: Ronda Rousey.
It took a while, but it looks like Mayweather and Rousey have finally found something the two of them can agree on.
Oh, what's that? The first rule of New York is "Don't eat hot food on the subway platform"? Pizza Rat doesn't give a flying f**k about your rules. He'll eat his pizza where he damn well pleases.
Pizza Rat is the perfect metaphor for life in New York: He is hungry, he loves dollar pizza, he hates his life and he is trying to carry something that is way too heavy down the subway stairs because the elevator is broken. It's almost too perfect.
Pizza Rat is determined, sure. But in New York, is that enough? Of course not. So, as we all have countless times, Pizza Rat eventually gives up and walks away from the task at hand, presumably to a dive bar that will soon be replaced by yet another Chase bank or something.
The video was uploaded by YouTube user Matt Little on Monday. Devastatingly, a request for comment about this important news was not immediately returned.
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