The parade of depressed, anxious and depleted students who walk through my office is endless. They feel tricked, cheated, stupid, unattractive, socially inept, and almost all of them ask this question. "What is wrong with me? These were supposed to be the best years of my life."
To this I almost always answer with no small amount of incredulity, "Who told you that?" Of course I know the answer to that question. Everyone, everywhere.
o All kids hear about in high school is college. "Get into the best school you can!" "Chess club will look great on your application! " "You'll never get into a good school with those grades!" And of course, that hyperbolic promise, "You'll have the time of your life!" Does anyone ever say, "College is important but it's a lot like real life. It's got its ups and downs."
o It's expensive. It's so expensive in fact that it better be fabulous. Kids go off to school feeling a weighty responsibility to make the most of it. Love it! Squeeze joy and success out of every academic and social moment. People forget you can't buy a good time. You can buy an opportunity for a good time. But, that's all.
o There is a tendency to think, "Once I'm away from home, everything will be great." Kids don't realize the insecurities born of a critical parents, or the anger felt over being misunderstood or unfairly compared to a sibling, goes to college with them along with the new jeans and backpack.
o Today's kids are coddled more than ever. They get to college and aren't used to taking care of all their problem themselves. Add to this those students with special education needs who after receiving lots of individual attention in high school discover they are not in Kansas anymore.
o Minority kids either by dint of color, race or sexual orientation, coming from small towns expect or hope that college will afford them the chance to really be a part of an integrated community. They are often disappointed.
o Daily campus life is not all lollipops and ivy. There's little privacy. It can be a rumor mill. Sleeping can be tough. Eating alone in dining halls can be excruciating. Classes can seem so difficult a student might feel as if she's wandered into a PhD program. College can feel like a battlefield where you have to fight to be seen, an x-ray machine where you feel all your flaws are on display, a game show in which you have to guess your way through many academic and social hotspots, and a reality show in which all the contestants can vote you off at any moment
o Finally, there are those kids who love college. Have the best time! Talk the talk. Walk the walk. They stand as constant reminders that this is the way it could be if only "I wasn't crazy."
When a disillusioned student sits in my office I explain that college does offer the possibility of growth and positive change, but to think that anyone can simply erase old challenges and problems and begin anew with a blank slate is just magical thinking. I add that college is an entirely new experience with unique responsibilities and there isn't a way in the world that one should expect an easy transition. Then I try to lay out a more realistic framework. It sounds like this...
o It's true you can reinvent your image in college. But you can't change everything about yourself. You can lose your "geek " label for example, but if you're a little shy that trait isn't going to disappear the minute you hit campus. You can however present yourself in a new more open way without a bunch of kids you've known forever staring at you as if you've grown two heads.
o Dorms can be a lot of fun, but sometimes you may wish you could be all alone. A visit to the library might help. So might a long walk away from the quad. It's normal to want quiet time.
o You might find a lot of classes fun and interesting, but others might be totally overwhelming. If they are ask for help. You belong in college. You can do the work. Professors like students who care.
o Some days you might feel confident and friendly. Other's pretty down and out. Try talking to a friend or if it persists speak to someone in the counseling office. That's what they are there for.
o Sometimes it's easy to find a boyfriend, sometimes it takes time. It would seem like all that freedom would lead to romance. But sometimes it leads to social confusion. There are so many kids it's hard to get to know anyone.
The most important thing to communicate is that if a student is unhappy at college, it doesn't mean something is wrong with him or her. Hopefully it will pass. If it doesn't asking for help is critical. College is a part of life. It's not apart from life. It may not be the best experience your child has ever had. That's okay. Getting the diploma may involve a touch and go semester, a year off, living at home and picking up some courses at a local community college, or on and off visits for several years to the counseling office. However it goes graduation is an impressive milestone. And the struggling? It's a common part of the package.
Follow Meg F. Schneider, MA, LCSW on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MegFSchneider
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Under the label 'Kids are Coddled'.
My son with a hearing disability has to work 4x harder than his brothers who have no such needs.
Hes hardly coddled. He will need special accomodations in college and we will be certain he receives them.
What kind of college fails to meet the needs of those with disabilities. Kansas indeed.
Just had a visit from a granddaughter who is in pre med, loves her school, and has great grades and nice friends. Her circle though, are all in an Honors dorm, which relieves the social stress of living with under-achieving party animals. She loves her fellow geeks and they make their own kind of fun.
However she went to an academically tough magnet high school, where students with consistently low grades were shipped back to their neighborhood high schools. The ones who succeeded learned how to excel and still be social teenagers... Too bad magnet schools are not in every district, they do make a difference. Far too many kids are in low-expectation high schools with far too much empasis on sports, cliques and fashion, little wonder they are depressed and stressed at college.
I thought I'd leave this behind at university. I forgot that there were such things as ghosts. The memories of the knife of anger, the silences, the hoard of criticisms, and of course the shadow of parents who flew so high so effortlessly despite a lack of financial resources, and who couldn't understand how I who had everything served on a platter wasn't coping, were debilitating to say the least. So was finding out suddenly and with brute force how much I loathed myself. Before university, it had only been a vague suggestion. Now I met this facet of myself head on.
So, what was university? Another graveyard of dreams, basically. It was so pathetic how I threw everything away basically to find love and acceptance in professors' and other students' eyes.
As a college kid, the saying no part is where i think most of us haven't been able to figure out. Freshman year, you join anything and everything that will help you meet friends. Three years later, you are so overwhelmed and you find that you are in too deep. We all started out pre-med and now, with all the distractions and programming and involvement, very few have survived the fight.
My advice if you're living in a house, establish basic rules of the house fast. That way you aren't going crazy from mac and cheese left over night in the pot, another guys gym socks getting shoved into the couch, and having to the mow the lawn by yourself while your roommates sit around smoking.
As a former kid who lost it in college (and very nearly didn't make it back), I find this all a little too pat, simplistic, easy to create a happy ending before the last commercial break. I wish it worked like that in the real world, but alas, it does not, at least in my experience.
Congratulations on "making it back" and thanks for sharing.
Unfortunately, nobody will tell these kids "No, you're NOT ready," both to their detriment and to the detriment of society as a whole.
College Direction
Denver, Colorado
If I went to college now...I would've had a blast because now I know better what I want to do and I can be more social but back then I was not as skilled. I had my moments but it was often a lonely experience.
Not just for college expereince... but frankly, in just about every aspect of our lives: work, marriage etc.
Many of our coping skills are just not "equal to the task".
And many of the models that people before us used, are out-moded to the world we are currently facing.
We are kind of all having different flavors of the "existential crisis".
For college kids, it can happen in a very toxic, and unsupported evironment. Yikes. I shudder to think what it would like to be student these days. Unless of course, I was able to "redo" this time in my life, knowing what I now know. Sigh. School of hard knocks.
Within the first few months of college I felt there was something "wrong" with me, and I sought out mental health services. The counselor's advice (an off campus counselor the school referred me to) was terse and demeaning, because I was at an academically impressive school in a small midwestern town.