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Dear Mr. Bush: Some Tips for Tonight's Speech

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Dear President Bush,

Since you only have a year left in office, I know you're making an effort to leave a positive legacy. You want to be remembered as "Mideast Peace Broker" and "Refund-Check Giver," not as an unpopular, war-headed mispronouncer of words. To help aid you in your quest, I'd like to suggest some new programs for you to introduce during tonight's State of the Union address. Instead of focusing on difficult concepts like "feeding the hungry" or "being nice to other countries," these programs are all based on your skills and interests, making them easy for you to understand and enact:

Dogs: You know what's a lot more attractive than terrorism? Terrierism. Tonight, talk about what a wonderful role Barney, your Scottish Terrier, has played in your life. Then pledge to give terriers to all Americans living below the poverty line. Since terriers were bred to catch small animals, these dogs will not only provide companionship to America's poor, but will also help them capture important food sources such as rabbits, foxes, and rats.
Your friend Dick Cheney: You know that special feeling you get when you hang out with the 21st century's own Tricky Dick? That feeling is called knee-shaking horror. Being close with Cheney is bringing down your good ol' boy image. Tell the American people that you're going to spend 2008 making Cheney more lovable. Get him a pink tie, remove the secret files from his office cabinet and replace them with party supplies, and this Halloween, highlight his sense of humor by dressing him up as someone who's been shot in the face.
Cowboy Hats: They're stylish. They're patriotic. They help prevent skin cancer. You don't need to whisper a word about healthcare--just promise a cowboy hat to every American citizen.
Brush clearing: You've done a lot of great brush clearing on your Crawford ranch. Why not make your hobby your job and help all Americas rid themselves of annoying plants? Vow to decrease America's brush problem 50% by 2009. Bonus: Less dry brush means fewer pesky states-of-emergency in California, giving you more time to...well...clear brush.
Baseball: If you do need to talk about something negative tonight, consider masking it in a homegrown baseball metaphor. Try something like this: "Baseball's a lot like life. When you're up to bat, the moves you make depend on what pitches are thrown at you. If the pitcher throws a few bad ones, you're off easy. You walk. If the pitcher throws the ball perfectly in your strike zone, you can get a good solid hit. And sometimes the pitcher will hit you where you should be wearing your cup, if you know what I mean. Well, right now, the economy's pitching, and we American people are not wearing a cup. But you know what? We still get walked. And even though we may be hunched over and in pain, we're moving toward the first base of economic recovery."