Supreme Advice: He Wants Kids

Supreme Advice answers your problems with actual quotes from past and current Supreme Court Justices.

Dear Justices,

A few weeks ago I told my boyfriend that I had a hysterectomy. Now I'm worried he might break up with me because I think he wanted to have kids. I'm really attached to him, and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

-- Worried in Washington

Justice Alito: What does "attachment" mean?

Justice Scalia: I find it hard to describe that.

Chief Justice Roberts: It would depend on the nature.

Justice Kennedy: Wanting...

Justice Souter: ...the two together.

Justice Kennedy: Companionship services.

Justice Stevens: Yes.

Justice Scalia: Anyway...

Justice Breyer: Show him what he got in the mail.

Justice Kennedy: What?

Justice Breyer: Give him a...

Justice Ginsburg: Letter?

Justice Kennedy: Mailbox?

Justice Breyer: Whistleblower.

Justice Thomas: ...

Justice Breyer: Do you see what I'm doing?

Justice Souter: No.

Justice Breyer: Sex.

Justice Kennedy: Oh.

Justice Souter: That's--that's your argument?

Justice Breyer: He's a man!

Chief Justice Roberts: Next?

Justice Stevens: If they adopted...

Justice Souter: No.

Justice Scalia: Why wouldn't that solve the problem?

Justice Souter: It would be crazy.

Justice Scalia: What - what -

Justice Breyer: Why?

Justice Souter: I'm Justice Souter.

Justice Breyer: That's your reason?

Justice Souter: Yes.

Justice Thomas: ...

Chief Justice Roberts: Why are you sure there's a conflict in the first place?

Justice Scalia: What?

Chief Justice Roberts: Ask.

Justice Kennedy: Oh!

Justice Scalia: Right!

Justice Breyer: Maybe there's...

Justice Alito: ...no problem whatsoever.

Chief Justice Roberts: You're assuming.

Justice Stevens: Ass.

Justice Breyer: You.

Justice Scalia: Me.

Court adjourned.

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