My On-Again-Off-Again Relationship With White People

I have an on-again-off-again relationship with white people. I've always been that way.

I grew up in a college town in Kansas in a house on the side of the tracks where I was often the only brown person in my grade at elementary school. If there was one other melanin-blessed kid, it was nothing short of a miracle. It didn't really bother me, but the questions or dumb comments got annoying. Why couldn't I get my hair wet? Do I tan? Can I teach them to dance?

It's exhausting to feel like the spokeswoman for your race. Sometimes I have the energy to do it, other times I don't want to be bothered. Many times I think: Why? Why do I have to answer this? Why don't you already know? I know all about you. I grew up reading Seventeen and YM, so I know all about your hair, your skin, your beauty products.

Each year, for nine months I went to school, we learned about you for eight months, me for one. I know about your forefathers and the history we share, you should know more about mine.

Then in college all kinds of racial barriers were tested, lessons were taught and learned. Now I'm a mom of two, married to a Norwegian (yes, the blue-eyed, blond-haired sort) and we've got a happy little home in Chicago's suburbs. Life is good, though I have to say I sometimes feel like a speck of pepper in a suburban sugar bowl.

We live here because we like the community, its amenities and the proximity to our train line into the city where we work. I'm a fairly frank person so when I'm having honest conversations about race with my fellow suburbanites, they're surprised that racism exists.

That blows my mind. Each and every time. Educated women, unaware that racism is still out there. How is this possible?

Is modern-day racism really so subtle that unless a cross is burning on the front lawn it can't be recognized?

I was talking about this frustration with a good friend of mine Ann, who admitted previously thinking that racism was no more. After all, she figured laws had been passed, banning such discrimination.

I know she's not alone in that kind of thinking, but I don't get it. Most logical people agree that the Holocaust was horrible, but that condemnation doesn't mean some people have stopped hating Jews. Simply because we condemn hatred, doesn't mean the feelings of hate and superiority have magically disappeared.

My husband was born and raised in Norway, but has lived in America since age 19 and he understands racism. Why is it he sees it and people who have lived in the good ol' U. S. of A. all their lives don't? Is it so ugly that they're purposefully wearing blinders?

Like I told Ann: "Open your eyes!" Then she turned the tables on me. She asked what is it that she doesn't see, but she should. My mind raced. For the first time I, an alleged spokeswoman for my race, was stumped.

I thought about how white women (absent-mindedly?) slide a protective hand over their purse when a black man approaches, or a clerk follows you in a store out of fear you'll steal something, or some of the stark language that members of the "No We're Not Racists" Tea Party use.

But those examples don't crop up frequently in Ann and I's everyday life. It's more subtle than that. Just the expectation that I should speak for my people is an example of a use of white privilege. "Hey you! Tell me about your people."

Sometimes I get angry and think, it's not my responsibility to educate you. Then other days, I think, how else are they going to know? For me, the real answers are somewhere in the middle.

Because it is complex, it's best understood walking alongside me. People have to be like Ann and make a conscious decision to become more aware. Eat at my restaurants, come to my church, visit my family. That's largely why my husband gets it. He knows because he knows me and knowing me helps him understand people who look like me.

Of course, in turn I have to be open, invite them into my inner circle and be patient with some of their foibles. Even on the days when I really don't feel like being a spokeswoman.

Like I said, I have an on-again-off-again relationship with white people. Though whenever someone starts to "get it," that makes it all worth it.

 

Comments

[nix28]

03:48 PM on 10/09/2011

Beautifully written!

[erinmhk]

10:50 PM on 09/05/2011

"It's worth it to this gal"

Melanie, I want to thank you for being a spokesperson to what I think is the "right" way to help white people, like myself, understand what it means to be black. I am one of those people who asks black people about black culture, the same way I do to any other - to better my understanding of a culture that I was not born into. Even though you may not like the constant barrage of questions, hopefully there is some comfort knowing I am a more educated person for it. It definitely means something to this "white girl" that you are upfront, honest and non-abrasive when one inquires about seemingly simple cultural differences. Much appreciated.

[FrancisII]

03:58 PM on 08/30/2011

"Now, we’re past the separate drinking-fountain stage. We’re past legal discrimination. We’re at the hearts and minds stage. And believe me, there’s no quick fix. " Richard Brooks as Paul Robinette, Law & Order.

Melanie is right. Too many white people think that the racism problem in the US has been solved due to the enactment of laws. One of my favorite Law & Order episodes has Paul Robinette saying:

At times the system stinks, Eaton. I know that as well as you do. But don’t for one damn minute tell me that your self-aggrandizing polarization is going to solve the problem. Don’t tell me that tearing down a 200-year old justice system, no matter how flawed, is going to alter the consciousness of a society. Now, we’re past the separate drinking-fountain stage. We’re past legal discrimination. We’re at the hearts and minds stage. And believe me, there’s no quick fix.

[missjulz]

03:56 PM on 08/30/2011

We are most certainly not in a post-racial world. The recent economic stats are but one indicator.

Since joining this community online and posting over the past three years I have seen other not-so-subtle reminders from some posters.

The worst part about the obvious racist postings I have seen here? The posters themselves have no understanding about racism, it's very definition has been obscured. I have seen posters compare experiences in their lives to racism when such a comparison could only be called obscene or a gross misunderstanding at best.

I suggest we start there. A new educational front on the definition and the ways in which we encounter the race bias in America.

The absence of a cross burning on a lawn means nothing more than that we have found some behaviors unacceptable. It does not mean racism itself has been extinguished.

[eyepatch]

05:02 PM on 08/29/2011

While racism still exists in America, black people must
recognize that it exists and rise above it. I live very close
to you and I experience similar types of racism that you
cite in this article but there is something that you must
recognize that you didn't cite in your article...

The last great vestiges of racism is centered around institutionalized
racism when it comes to financial institutions. Black business people
can't get loans, don't have cozy relationships with financial institutions!

Here is my question to you; How can a people rise above being economically
shut out of the financial markets? Black people must create and patronize
their own banks!!!! Entertainers and athletes make large amounts of money
and invest their money in every other sector of the economy except the
black community..... How do you solve this?????

and lastly, the black community has to impress upon young black men that
everyone can't be a professional athlete or become an entertainer! Black people
need to stress to young black men that nothing comes without work, education
preparation and a little luck! And how crime is enriching other communities!
like the legal system, penal system and the funeral industry....

Good article but black people have to invest in each other because no one
else is......

[WARHUKKER]

12:57 AM on 08/29/2011

“"The artificial system of race serves no positive purpose. Lending legitimacy to the flawed theory of racial distinctio­n leads, almost inevitably­, to racism and the justificat­ion of racial discrimina­tion. This, along with the inherent absurdity of even classifyin­g people by race, should be enough to merit junking racial identifica­tion altogether­."”

[bg3]

01:27 PM on 08/28/2011

another example how blacks live and breathe race and how its all whiteys fault

[ThomasTrom]

03:37 PM on 08/28/2011

What are you on about?

[bg3]

04:11 PM on 08/28/2011

splain yo self

[Barbara Primous Jackson]

07:49 PM on 08/29/2011

I do not live and breathe race. I often forget that I am "Black" until someone reminds me and yes it is usually a white person but not always. Unfortunately I cannot live in a post racial reality until others stop judging me based on my looks. When something permeates your everyday existence of course you become sensitive to it. For example, Psychology Today, ran an article by a Japanese Doctor that concluded Black women were the least attractive of all women. This was a scientific study that was conducted by a Doctor. It was published for public consumption. Many will believe that his opinions are fact. Or the fact that other psychologists have conducted studies where the subjects were asked to rate the criminality of a person based on a picture. The overwhelming majority picked the Black man to be the criminal. Also how about the wage studies, that show a Black person with a master's degree will earn less than a White person with a Bachelor's degree. Or the studies that show the average American White person will not believe tales of racism unless another White person relays them. (Sociology 121, SMCC). Then there is the instances of institutionalized racism that are still having an echo effect today. Until you become Black you will not understand how pervasive racism and bigotry still are.

[Dr Bob]

12:50 PM on 08/28/2011

I found your article enlightening but a bit concerning. I grew up in a lily white town with commensurate attitudes that never bore fruit within me. At work, I watched a middle aged Black woman with tears rolling down her eyes as the first Black American was sworn in as President. But if we cannot break down the communication barriers between races, how does one learn from each other, gain enhanced understanding, and then move forward? It seems I want to learn more, but so few are open to this type of discussion. So we move on in our parallel but unlinked universes. Surely, there must be a better way.

[ThomasTrom]

09:36 AM on 08/28/2011

The comments on this page just go to show, that despite each and every black person having something to say about racism, our claims are always treated with skepticism by white people. And perhaps one could say that this is another form of subtle racism because apparently black people, even the writers on Black Voices, cannot express a reality without having white people coming on here and telling us that we aren't telling the truth, that we're mistaking racism for something else.

If you're white, then listen to the testimonials of black people and stop trying to act like you know more than we do about a problem that affects us. All this goes to show is that some white people do not trust what black people have to say.

[papapj]

02:46 AM on 08/29/2011

Denial.

[t jane20]

05:43 PM on 08/27/2011

I can relate to your experience. it is very annoying to feel like you have to go out of your way to represent your entire race. for instance, I can't help but feel as if I should tip well when I go to a restaurant just to prove that YES black people tip. when I see one mean or angry white person I assign that to his own individual personality. but a lot of whites (and even some blacks) assign the behavior of one black person to the entire race

[loyalist1]

03:48 PM on 08/27/2011

Would you opt for surgery anywhere than in a modern hospital that Europeans have come up with? Want to have your gall bladder removed with a stone knife or a sharks bone?

If you came through childhood without major injuries, you are OK, now. What you make of the rest of your life is your choice.

[MothersHideaway]

12:34 PM on 08/27/2011

I completely understand in a mutt sort of way. I felt the racism of whites against Indians (or those "people over there") during the first Gulf War. I felt the racism of Indians against whites during daily life...or when the older generation finds out I'm only half. The worst was when I felt the hatred of my "white side" from my grandfather. A story I might need to blog about one day.

Regardless, you are my little splash of pepper and I love every bit of your spice! xoxo

[WilliamL]

10:43 PM on 08/26/2011

You really sd go visit and Indian Reservation near you and share your sense of injustice and racism with members of the Tribe. I sincerely believe you will understand racsim and injustice in an entirely new light. When you reuturn to your suburban home and settle into your amenities and travel back and forth on the train, I believe your visit to the Res will give you an entirely new perspective. I honeslty believe the entire Black community sd. visit Indian Reservations to gain a handle of how bad they have it. I have been to my fair share, have been in my share of hell hole of Urban American, went to hell hole schools around the country, have been in the middle of poverty, the streets, but there is a true sense of enlightenment that comes from seeing how the original people of this nation have been treated for centuries. As bad as it is, and despite the legacies of slavery and racism against the African American people, when one considers the great leangths that were undertaken to exterminate, and millions were, the Native American people, honestly, there is no comparison between the conditons faced by African Amerians and Native Americans.

Somehow, despite the racism, Obama was elected President. Somehow he overcame, he did it depsite it all. You think your life was tough. Imagine if you were full blood indian ?

It might do you some good to spend a night on a reservation.

[Michelle Offit]

05:45 PM on 08/26/2011

This article offends me. I’m Jewish, and though I don't experience racial discrimination I experience it religiously. I, too, have people ask me questions about minority - my religion, my holidays, and my family's food. It bugs me that people don't know more about it. I know everything about Christianity - I know your holidays, I know how you celebrate and the foods that are served. It annoys me when people ask me questions and they don't already know the answer. I think they are ignorant, but then I remember, I'm a minority. Most people didn't grow up learning about Jewish culture or have Jewish friends. They simply don't know. It's not their fault that they don't know. The majority of people won't know about your culture unless they have had contact with your culture. I’ll be the first to admit I know nothing about Korean culture. Should all Koreans should be offended when they meet me? No, they should accept that I come from a different culture and have not been exposed to theirs. It doesn't mean I'm racist or ignorant, it just means I have no experience with it. We shouldn't be annoyed or angry at the majority for not knowing about our specific cultures; we should be open to answering their questions and teaching them so they can understand us better. You complain about only having 1 month out of the year that white people learn about your culture? Jews, Asians, Muslims and Hispanics have none.

[WilliamL]

07:41 AM on 08/27/2011

True.

[Northern Cali]

08:28 AM on 08/27/2011

OK, full disclosure, I'm African-American and while I see your point regarding Anti-Semitism, I believe it doesn't apply to what the author has written. The article theme is, certain white americans think racism should be over because laws have been passed. Based on history, constitutional laws were passed to justify slavery, so laws don't get to the heart of the matter, which is there is an underlying resentment white america has toward black america because, African-Americans remind White Americans of their ancestors "dirty laundry"; no one likes to be told or reminded of the truth. Also truthful, just like Jews helped found the NAACP, they also had a role in facilitating the purchase of slaves. Therefore, history will always lie somewhere between black and white, the frustration is white america actively choses to ignore it.

[Chuck Beikert]

11:57 AM on 08/27/2011

I disagree with you. The thrust of the article is that racism can be found in almost everything that a white person says to a black person. I do not believe that was the author's intention, but it certainly shines through.
I get the feeling that even if I became a PhD in Black culture and history that this person would ask me why I don't mind my own business. If the article was supposed to be for black eyes only then it belongs on some racist black website.
I am fed up with this element. I have lived my life without hatred for races other than my own, and have been ashamed of the actions of white people, going to the extent of ending relationships based on poor behavior. This is the thanks I get? I get to be called a racist now too?
This anger might be what motivated the civil rights movement but it is largely without direction. If you can''t answer a question about a hair product without finding fault then YOU are the problem, not me.
And just to be clear, not all white people have former slave owners in their family tree, blacks weren't the only enslaved ethnicity and Jewish people were slaughtered wholesale numbering in the MILLIONS in this century. Check yourself.

[Michelle Offit]

03:31 PM on 08/27/2011

Well obviously I think it's stupid for anyone to say racism is "over." I don't think that's what anyone's really saying and if they are, then they aren't worth paying attention to. And your statement about white america having something against black america because "they don't like being reminded of their dirty laundry" is completely false!! I am white but my family emigrated to America in the late 1800s when slavery had already ended. My ancestors had nothing to do with slavery. Not all white americans are descendants of slave owners just as not all black americans are descendants of slaves. And you claim that white america chooses to ignore it, so what should we do instead? Go around and talk about slavery all the time? It seems you want it both ways - you want to be treated equally but you also want recognition that you're not the same as white people.

[FloridaLAW]

05:11 PM on 08/26/2011

it is true that as Black people we have been so conditioned to slights and subtle actions of racism that sometimes we mistake the smallest things as the actions of racism. For instance, I'm Black and I live in a predominantly White, middle-class neighborhood. I job around my neighborhood every morning at 5 am (still dark outside). I can't tell you how many times I'm ran past White neighbors and they seem to instinctively lock their car doors with their remotes (you hear the car horn) as I approach. Quite often I've wondered, are they doing that because I'm Black, because I'm a stranger and it's dark outside? Then I just brush it off because it doesn't really matter but Whites have the luxury of not even having to think this way.

[Mr Muckle]

05:48 PM on 08/26/2011

Thanx for the laugh, LAW. Fanned.

[FLECKENSTEIN44]

07:51 PM on 08/26/2011

i gave u the lol badge for being so very wrong

[FloridaLAW]

06:44 PM on 08/28/2011

what am I wrong about? As I said, the thought enters into my mind and I brush it off because I have no way of knowing.