No one likes a whiner. Fewer people like complainers. And even fewer like those who give ultimatums because their whining and complaining hasn't worked.
If you traced the evolution of a complaint, it would likely look something like this: unmet expectations lead to dissatisfaction, which leads to complaints, which lead to attempts to resolve the complaint, which fail, leading to more complaining, which leads to terrible frustration, which leads to threats if things don't change, which leads to ultimatums, which finally lead to consequences.
The issue for most of us is that we can tolerate a lot of complaining. Rarely are we frustrated enough to act out our ultimatums because frankly, we're afraid of the consequences. The problem is, when someone gets stuck in this cycle, the end result is often an unhappy, negative person, and in my opinion, there are far too many of those folks around.
In my work with the MarsVenus organization, I trained coaches on a technique I called the "Rock and the Hard Place." We often used this exercise when a client discussed feeling in this complaining cycle and being unable to see how to get out of it.
Whatever the details of the client's individual story, the template was always the same: the client was usually mad, hurt, stuck and feeling powerless to change things. These feelings often stemmed from a fear (or fears) about what might happen if they insisted on getting what they wanted. For example, "If I force him to commit to me, will he say yes? Or will he leave?" Or, "If I insist on a review from my boss, will they see the good things I've done or just discuss the bad things?" When someone was stuck in this cycle, the fear of negative consequences was usually enough to keep the client stuck and unfortunately enhance their sense of powerlessness.
From a coaching perspective, if someone stays stuck like this too long, they begin to lose their sense of personal power. Their sense of being able to control their world is shaken a bit because ultimately, our self-esteem is built on our track record of actions. If we teach ourselves through inaction that we can't have the things we want, we begin to believe that's just how life is.
To change this, we have to adjust how we navigate this cycle. Here are seven steps you can take to stop this habit and regain some of your personal power:
If you find that you're stuck in this cycle of complaining and not taking action, it's time to find out why. Set yourself a realistic goal for changing your situation. Decide what is acceptable and iron out your deal breakers. There's nothing wrong with a little moaning and groaning here and there, it's only a problem only when it becomes a habit.
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If all you can do is complain and never compliment keep your mouth shut, we're not even listening!
Better yet, I could use a list of how to deflect whiners/complainers without offending them. I care, but seriously, I'm not your therapist.
Nothing is perfect. And without a complaint, there may be no venue for identifying problem areas that need improvement.
There is a difference between someone that just looks for something to complain about and someone who is pointing out a problem that needs to be addressed or something that needs to be improved.
The trick is to be able to distinguish between the two.
Personally, I can't stand an employer that makes a "no complaining" rule. That shows me he is closed to improving working conditions and methods of his business. That leads to stagnation. It also leads to quiet frustration and dissatisfaction with no outlet. Keep enough of that bottled up and you may have a more serious problem than bad morale or a negative person.
To reduce the mass-kvetching, the system needs to change, and the change needs to be abrupt. No more change-we-can-believe-in.
"Understanding problems is much more passive and doesn't necessarily involve any action other than talking." - To me, in order to take action you have to understand the problem.
"If we teach ourselves through inaction that we can't have the things we want, we begin to believe that's just how life is." - For many, regardless of what they actually do, they still can't have the things they want. There are many things that I 'd like but can't have. As the saying goes, "That's Life."
The deflection is of the chronic complainer who either complains of everything or excessively about one thing but isn't resolving it.