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Melanie Notkin

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The Truth About Childless Women

Posted: 07/11/11 12:23 PM ET

Nearly 46 percent of American women through age 44 are childless. That's up from 35 percent in 1976.

All reasons this generation of women are not bearing children at the same rate their mothers did are valid. Some are young women and just not at a point in their lives where motherhood is a choice they'd like to make. Some are 'fence-sitters,' not sure about whether or not they want children. Some are childfree by choice. Some are gay and need to take a potentially longer and less traditional route to motherhood. Some are suffering from biological infertility. And some, like me, are what I call "circumstantially infertile."

I want children. I always have. At age 12 I purchased baby name books in preparation for the son and twin daughters I dreamed to be a mother to one day. I was a nanny, camp counselor and frequent babysitter. I would make up songs to sing to the kids I babysat that would become 'our thing' or visit the kids even when I wasn't officially working for their parents. By age 21, I was hosting teen tour girls in my home. Motherhood was always a path I felt ready for.

At age 23, when interviewing for my first job in New York City, I inquired about maternity benefits to make sure it was the right place for me. I focused my career in the non-profit sector, hoping it would give me more flexibility in dating, marriage and motherhood. I dated men with traditional family values, men who have since gone on to be fruitful and multiply.

By my mid-30s, now in my third job working for some of the best companies in the world to make enough money to live in New York City, I was still unmarried. I wasn't a mother. My work hours were longer, some days were spent overseas, and I was beginning to suffer the prejudice of being an 'older' woman. At 34, I was approached by a male friend who said he wanted to set me up with a friend our age but I was just 'too old.' At 35, a man said he would date me if I agreed to freeze my eggs. At age 36, another man told me he'd (reluctantly) date me since I could probably still 'pop one out.' Now we all know these are exceptional instances but they were nevertheless embedded in my psyche.

The grief over not only not being a mother, but now also suffering from feeling 'less than' because I just simply hadn't found love (or mutual love), was at times overwhelming. And as I saw couples younger than I getting sympathy for their biological infertility, I wondered why all I got were accusations of not doing enough, not trying hard enough. Trying too hard. Being too picky. Not being picky enough... And the hardest comment to defend: "You better hurry up!" (Hurry up and fall in love?)

While I have not suffered from biological infertility (as far as I know), I imagined my grief was at least as deep as couples trying to conceive as I didn't have a love who shared the grief. Heck, I often didn't even have a date to get closer to trying! Every month that passed, I grieved a loss. But I grieved alone. I have no husband (or male partner) to grieve with me. And lamenting my infertility to close friends who are parents or to family was never well-received.

Generation X is the first generation of women who have a choice to wait for love. Unlike many of our mothers, we earn enough to take care of ourselves (please don't call us 'career women' as careers are as much a choice for women as they are for men.) But still, the assumption is that all women who don't have children don't want children. There is a place between motherhood and choosing not to be a mother. And tens of millions of American women are there.

I'm 42 and still single and I have come to acknowledge the truth: it's very possible I won't have children of my own. I've grieved and have found my happiness on the other side. There are days that are still hard for me (Mother's Day, the day a friend announces her pregnancy, when I hear a guy won't date me because I'm too old to have kids, my birthdays, my monthly reminder...) but most days I'm happy. Very happy. I'm not in the wrong life being the wrong wife and trying to get out. I have no regrets.

My circumstances have left me infertile but they have not left me non-maternal. I love the children in my life with boundless adoration. If I was not meant to be a mother to 2.1 kids, then perhaps I was meant to be motherly to many more. From a girl in Tanzania I've adopted as a niece and email with many times a week, to the little ones down the hall in my apartment building, and of course to my amazing nephew and nieces by relation, I am an aunt.
I'm not childless, I'm childfull. I'm not a mother but I am maternal.

My infertility is circumstantial but my life is not barren. And to the women who are on the other side of hope, know that you are more powerful than your womb. You are maternal whether or not maternity ever comes. You are a woman and your love and how you choose to offer and receive it, is a gift.

And you're not alone.

 
 
 

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Nearly 46 percent of American women through age 44 are childless. That's up from 35 percent in 1976. All reasons this generation of women are not bearing children at the same rate their mothers did a...
Nearly 46 percent of American women through age 44 are childless. That's up from 35 percent in 1976. All reasons this generation of women are not bearing children at the same rate their mothers did a...
 
 
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
sensimilla
Lead with your heart, and your mind will follow...
11:41 AM on 08/18/2011
after trying for 20 yrs, we finally gave up. I was not about to go through friggen fertility treatments, if we were meant to have children we would have. My wife has her days where she wishes/wonders, but we do ok with our two careers and our awesome dog Ravi. I love children, part of me wishes it would have been different, oh well.

For whatever reason, women without children are actually doing the world a favor. Population pressure is the single greatest threat to humanity.
11:15 PM on 08/14/2011
This totally hit home!! Thanks for letting us all know we aren't the only ones who feel this way.
11:33 AM on 08/13/2011
I totally do not get the obsession with having kids. I see how women with kids are; it's this sisterhood that only the childbearing can get into. Which is just as well. I find the entire discussion of children to be boring.
That doesn't make me selfish, no more so than not finding NASCAR or field hockey to be interesting.
I grew up reading Mademoiselle, magazines that made me want to be smart, go to college, and be a feminist. But I can't blame that magazine. I just never had the desire to burp out a bundle. Nothing more sinister than that. Some women want to (and do NOTHING else), and other women don't hear the clarion call.
If anything, in my experience, it's women who have children who are the selfish ones. There can only be one topic of conversation when they get together to cluck: KIDS (and bitching about husbands.) Both subjects are boring.
All that work, and how many of their little bundles of joy grow up into sullen, self-centered, dumb ass adolescent brats. THIS is what you want taking care of you in your old age? I'd rather hire a nurse.
And btw, I don't hate kids. Not at all. It's their parents I find repulsive.
08:50 AM on 08/19/2011
I really am sorry that you're life is filled with parents who adore their children enough to want to talk about them (I will disregard the bitching about husbands part as I know plenty of unmarried friend who bitch about boyfriends, fiances and dates). I happen to be a married, child-less and am friends with plenty of parents. We have double dates (no kids) and we also have dates with the kids. I know that to some of your friends it may be hard to tear themselves away from or not talk about their children, but that's not because of the fact that they have kids. If they weren't obsessed about them, they would be obsessed about something else and talking non-stop about that.

I am sure you have spent time with your parents / grandparents and that they found far more topics to talk about other than YOU.
You assume that women who choose to have children just want to sit on their butts and do nothing else? I have seen plenty of selfish single, married, divorced people, people with pets, people without homes - being a parent doesn't mean that you are selfish just as being a proud American means you drives a big wheel truck and eat hamburgers all day.

I am truly glad that you have chosen to not have children. It is a choice for most of us, and the world certainly doesn't need someone who cannot commit to that kind of responsibility and relationship.
06:02 PM on 08/20/2011
Wow - I'm stunned by the vitriol in your response to this article. I consider myself fairly smart, I graduated magna cum laude from a large university (see how I used "vitriol" in the last sentence), and I've seen a good little part of the world; I came to motherhood late and I love it (the doing NOTHING all day is so rewarding, really).

I understand it's not for everyone and that's fine. But reproducing is kind of a biological thing, so it's not like it's the most ridiculous thing in the world for someone to do. I would imagine you have friends who talk alot - perhaps even ad nauseum - about their jobs, their hobbies, their love life, depending on the phase of life they're in. Talking about kids is the same for parents - there are phases where it is all-consuming. But with your attitude, I can't imagine you're really around parents enough to be subjected to it that much.

I continue to not understand why, as we attempt to explain our own choices in life, we feel compelled to bash those that made different choices.
05:21 PM on 07/25/2011
I'm sorry you didn't get to have the kids you wanted, but I wish you had titled this article something other than "The Truth About Childless Women" because this is a much more personal story than that. I don't have children, by choice, so it's not my story and I've already had to explain to someone that "no, I don't feel this way deep down". I think it's wonderful that you've found other ways to nurture your maternal spirit.

eleanore - The Spinsterlicious Life
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06:13 PM on 07/22/2011
Sock de jour, I see what you mean: one must have something before one can lose it and then grieve for the loss. But I think one can grieve for what one hoped for, and learned about from others, and what one sees others apparently enjoying.

Then again, I don't think anyone ever gets over a loss, unless they go into denial, which is what people do, all the time. It's how we survive. Memories of losses have a habit of returning from time to time. So I agree in a way with what you say, Sock, that Melanie decided to take another path and not the motherhood one (and not the maternal one either).

It's fine that she did that, despite the influence of others to have her conform in whatever way she could, and be a mom. I can see she put a lot of thought into making the decision, over a period of time, no doubt, in bits and pieces, to become mainly an aunt.

Actually, we don't all get to choose the life we want, though having a baby (giving birth) is generally (though not for all) a lot easier to accomplish than, say, having a career. I think the word 'default' probably doesn't apply in this situation. I suppose one could end up a mother by default, but not through having considered it and dropped the idea and taken precautions for it not to happen.
09:45 AM on 07/22/2011
So much judgment and lack of compassion in so many of these comments - on both sides of "aisle". This article was a tender, honest, compassionate look at the complexities of modern-day womanhood and was so obviously not meant to be a battleground between lifestyle choices, which commenters have made it into. Unfortunate.
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06:27 PM on 07/22/2011
Amy, I wonder what you see as the difference between being 'judgemental' and 'analyzing' the article. I could say to you too, that you are being judgemental, for saying what you have. I see you do not offer up any specific examples (evidence) of any comment that you see as being a 'judgment' on Melanie or someone else's post, so it's difficult to comment in detail.

The article was a brief story of one person's coming to terms with having a career and no children. It was a personal story, with some social comment included. Some may see it as tender, some not. Some may see it as honest and some not. The complexities of modern-day womanhood are so great that it would be impossible for one person's story to portray anything more than just a tiny bit of all that womanhood is today. That you see the attention it got, and the outpouring of responses (and sharing) from other women, as unfortunate, is beyond belief.
08:30 PM on 07/22/2011
The judgment I'm referring to has very little to do with "analyzing" the article, Sam. Some commenters have just used this as a springboard to justify their choice, in this case, to not have children, by implying or outright saying that those who do choose to have children (or are fortunate enough for all circumstances to align in their favor for that to happen) are not thinking about what's best for the world, its population, its resources.

It's unfortunate to me that people feel so desperate to defend themselves - for whatever reason - that they run down others' choices and use demeaning phrases like "breeders" or tell others with opposing views to "get an education". I wish we could have a little more compassion for those who's path in life is different than ours and speak more civilly to one another when we do disagree.

I did not know what I'd posted would be grounds for a fight - you must really be looking to scrounge!
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HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
Sock De Jour
Democracy is an illusion
10:25 AM on 07/21/2011
How can you grieve for something you never had, when you don't really know what it is until you have it, and you never really tried to have it, just hoped it might happen? You're grieving for the idea of what you thought you wanted, but if you're happy being an aunt, then how can you have really grieved? And what exactly did you grieve for? What others expected of you, and therefore what you expected for yourself, your life?

Since you didn't opt for artificial insemination, then you just simply weren't prepared to have a child on your own, which means you didn't really want one enough to put it above all else - society's rules, cultural norms, religious values.

We all choose the life we end up with, whether that's by default or design.
01:50 PM on 07/28/2011
Some of us don't believe in artificial insemination, because of the risk of creating embryos that might go unused. I'm not going to create life just to kill it! That's a horrible and selfish idea!

Likewise, I for one, don't want to have a child without giving that child a FAMILY, and I need a husband to do that. Otherwise, I'm making a salary that is sufficient for ME to live on... but to raise a child, in my one bedroom condo, sling some mac and cheese in a bowl and rush the kid to daycare that would eat up at least 1/2 my salary... is not the type of parenting I wanted to get into. For me, it's the traditional family route... or not at all ... so maybe I chose that... but I honestly did, fully expect to find love and start a family. I had no idea that would be beyond my control.
And yes, that is grief.... the whole world told me to expect to get married and have a family. God gave me a body that, among other uses... is designed for procreation... and at 41 - yes, it's likely I've lost that chance. I lost the opportunity. That's a loss. It's gone. I'm grieving.
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HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
Sock De Jour
Democracy is an illusion
05:09 PM on 07/28/2011
Artificial insemination isn't anything to do with in vitro fertilization. You're confused, obviously.
02:37 PM on 07/20/2011
For Cucumber: I was referring to the choice I made for MYSELF.. I spent alot of time in therapy repairing and dealing with issues stemming from a detached/abusive mother. I found it tremendously healing and affirming that I COULD allow myself to be a mother and consider it my spiritual reward for working through these painful issues. Not everyone does this and I would caution any woman who has had an abusive relationship with a mother to reclaim herself before making that choice. There is nothing as deeply rewarding as breaking the cycle. Best Wishes and Love to You.
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07:14 PM on 07/19/2011
Elanne, you say that "Society . . has a fear of the childless woman." I gather you mean the childless woman who is also unmarried. Nevertheless, society would rather have all its citizens fit within a narrow band of acceptable conformity. Anyone who doesn't fit is therefore outside the norm of 'family is everything.'

One can single out (pardon the pun) a certain segment of society as being outside the norm of acceptability, possibly seen as more powerful (not needing what traditionally is expected of them). Thus older women living without a man, and without grandkids, could also fit in here, not just the perpetually childless single woman. Try talking to women whose main interest is their grandkids and you'll know what I mean.

In fact, isn't that the myth that the author is trying to dispel, that such never-been-married women don't like kids. Melanie prefers to use the term 'auntie' to describe the relationships she has with children not her offspring, though she does apply the term 'maternal' to herself, which may not be accurate. In fact, the way she talks about it at the end indicates she sees it as an instinct, something internalized, which is not the way many feminists have viewed it. Liking kids is so much easier when you don't have to be there for them for 16-20 years, nights and often during the day too. I can't see that she demonstrates being 'maternal' by being an auntie.
12:48 PM on 07/19/2011
Thanks for sharing this heartfelt article. It took me two years to conceive my child. During that time I thoroughly explored what it would be to be a childless woman, as it seemed that might be a very real possibility. It brought up many deep questions and an incredibly fruitful grieving process. I came to many of the same realizations - that even without bearing my own child I am/was a mother to many. Society, I believe, has a fear of the childless woman, no matter for what reason she hasn't had children. There is power in it and it's a kind of power that we don't want women to have. Wishing you much joy in the myriad forms life offers it.
12:39 AM on 07/19/2011
I think those of us who have forgone children, by any legal route, are uncelebrated, if hapless, heroines in this age of the j-curve -- the nearly straight-up population growth which has been steamrolling the world for 200 years. We the childless, in our small way, help to lighten the suffocating load of our poor mother Earth, who is so terribly stricken with myriad problems. Whilst those still breeding their little tribes are harmfully short-sighted, and trampling all hope. They don’t see the ignorance and harm of women in high heels, and perfume, nail polish or other useless adornments. ...So too, when will religious leaders acknowledge those saved by Noah? Clean air and sun belong to chickens and cats and cows as much as to Octomom or Mr Schwarzegger or Mormons. The horror of our times -- factory farms and obesity, acidifying oceans and garbage dump dwellers; casinos, Hummers and bank-owned neighborhoods; What can we do? Well some still-rich capitalists know: liquidate all assets and flee to new homes in Panama or Paraguay, where maids are cheap and vegetables patent-free. We now resemble a throng of hysterical rats racing over a cliff.... sorry people... you gotta hold some respect for the wisdom of being childless, self-maintained, vegetarian, book-reading, Prius-driving women, and for the dignity that is naturally afforded to us non-producing women (and men!) during this shockingly sordid time in Earth's history.
05:37 AM on 07/20/2011
oh please. Get an education - a real one, not through reading sensationalist crap, end of the world enviro nonsense. Btw - for any naysayers, I'm an academic and I've yet to find anyone who works in environmental issues in any substantial way that goes for the whole no kids=better planet. That's the stance of those with no degrees, or BAs who are indoctrinated (easily it would seem) by blogs and environmental nutcases. However, that being said it's good you're not a parent. I strongly believe people should only have kids if they really want them. More children is not the issue (Europe has such low birthrates they are having to offer incentives to keep the birthrate from stagnating), it's poor parenting.
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Counterintuitive
We'll steer by the beacon of our 100 year forecast
03:34 PM on 07/20/2011
So, your saying that people who show reproductive restraint are on average, less educated.

As an academic, I'm sure you've got some research to back that up. Please share.
09:39 AM on 07/22/2011
There's absolutely no need for you to prop up your lifestyle choice by so severely criticizing others' opposing choices.
11:24 PM on 07/16/2011
*someday
11:23 PM on 07/16/2011
Mainstream media and other popular outlets incorrectly bolster the idea that women in their forties (and even in their thirties) will have considerably more trouble giving birth safely but in reality there's only about a 10% more chance of complication. Being thirty/forty does not equal a barren womb. I kinda resent these outlets that push women to be young mothers. It does more harm than good from what I've witnessed. I'm 22 and I want to be a parent to a child somebody but I would never consider having a baby before my mid-to-late thirties.
12:36 PM on 07/26/2011
Fertility does decrease with age - make sure you have all the facts whn planning for your future.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
songchannels
07:37 PM on 07/16/2011
You're never guaranteed a child who will love you back. With dogs you get unconditional love. There are many reasons not to have a child in this time in history.

I can say I am a selfish person in many respects that is typically a trait of childless women. You don't ever really grow up until you have a child and take on that responsibility. I lack maturity in many areas of life. I don't want children, it's something adults have.

There's a dark future for humanity ahead, I feel bad for parents in this day and age, it will be tough. I'll try to lend a helping hand in spite of my lack of maturity.
12:44 AM on 07/19/2011
I don't know if you are a fan of Oprah Winfrey or not, but I used to hear Oprah say "it's o.k. to be selfish because the "self" matters".

High school is alot tougher for teenagers today than a few decades ago.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
PootiePoot
100% stardust
03:40 PM on 07/19/2011
there is no guarantee of *anything*, not even "unconditional love" from a pet. In my experience, you get back what you put in.
05:38 AM on 07/20/2011
You said it! absolutely agree.
03:12 PM on 07/16/2011
I loved this article but was so sad when I read so many judgemental. Like Melanie, it never occurred to me that I would I would not find love and get married. Yes I had a career that I loved but it was never more important to me than finding someone to share my life with. It just didn't happen. I did try to have a baby through artificial insemination; 2 years of trying, thousands of dollars and 3 miscarriages later I had to accept that it wasn't going to happen. I am looking into adoption but as it has been pointed out here it is expensive and challenging when you are single. It is so easy to judge, when in fact every step and choice is hard & most importantly different for everyone; what seems like a no brainer for you is a huge stumbling block for someone else. For me choosing to try and become a single parent meant accepting that my life would not follow the traditional path I always believed it would. Ironically, in my twenties I would never have believed that I would struggle with that. Like Melanie, I surround myself with amazing children who enrich my life and am hopefully that an adoption will still work out -- in the meantime, I would encourage those of you who are so quick to judge to stop and think before passing such judgements.
05:12 PM on 07/16/2011
Thanks for this post. This is such an important, complex and emotional discussion and it is hard, perhaps esp for people who already have children, not to see it in black and white terms (e.g. if you want a child, and can't have your own, adopt one). I do have children, but am starting to appreciate that while it seems like an obvious choice to adopt if pregnancy is not an option, it is not always so. That any decision (surrogacy, egg donors, adoption etc) is itself a difficult, costly journey. I wish you well.
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06:16 PM on 07/16/2011
Melanie hasn't said that she was seeking to adopt, by the way, or that she had ever applied to. She has gone for an 'adopt a child overseas' programs and calls herself 'aunt' to her also, longdistance, but auntiism is the extent of her maternalism. Many commenters have suggested adopting but some people really do, or did, want the experience of childbirth, I suppose, or to have their bloodline continued.

A lot of people work with children, as volunteers and on their jobs, or as mentors on occasion, and that's really commendable, but it's not the same as mothering and being in it for the longterm.

I'm sure a lot of women don't want to be seen as putting their career first, while not yet married, but if it is a fulltime job, others are going to see exactly that - a career woman - just as they might also see someone who spent 20 years mothering as simply a housewife and mother, no matter what else they do.

Giving up on the idea of marriage and choosing to be a single mother might even increase the opportunity coming of meeting someone compatible. If being a mother is what you really want, and not just the marriage, it sounds like a good idea.