I realize I'm about to step in it. And by "it," I mean the "Marissa Mayer is a female CEO -- and she's pregnant!" discussion that inevitably leads back to the "Can women have it all?" exchange that began last month.
As a single woman who does not have children, I already shared some thoughts on "having it all" here. I was trying to hold back on this new hot topic, but a PR pitch I received this morning pushed me right into it. It read:
So, you're not Marissa Mayer, 37-year-old newly minted CEO of Yahoo! and six-months pregnant with her first child. The picture of success for the modern woman. Can you still have it all? What lessons can be learned by Marissa's meteoric rise to the top of the business world? How can women yearning to get ahead without sacrificing family life emulate Marissa or make the best choices for themselves?
The next line was a pitch for a hair care product, because naturally, the best way to become CEO and get pregnant is with "gorgeous hair." But putting the idiocy of the PR pitch aside, are we now saying that Marissa Mayer is successful because of this equation: CEO + Mother-To-Be = Success? If it had been simply this one PR pitch, I would have put it aside. But the conversations this week around Marissa being a mother (to-be) on top of being a female CEO were already beginning to wear on me. Whatever future success I had with my career and my business, would I ever be seen as a true modern woman success story without also juggling motherhood?
Nearly 50 percent of American women are childless. While the majority of women -- about 80 to 85 percent -- become mothers eventually, most highly educated, high-income earning women like Marissa Mayer have their first baby later in life. Marissa, who turned 37 in May, will be one of the 14 percent of first-time moms who have a first birth at age 35 or older. And in general, Marissa and her college-educated cohorts are more likely to get married later than the national average (Marissa was married in 2009) and are most likely to become mothers only once married. (Only 2 percent of women age 35 and older were single at first birth in 2008, although that number is expected to grow.)
It was the line: "The picture of success for the modern woman" that really got me. Not all women can be mothers. Not all women want to be mothers. Not all women will be mothers. And not all women should be mothers. So as long as we pin "success for the modern woman" with motherhood, we will undermine some of the most gifted women in this country -- and those girls and women who aspire to be like them. Is Oprah Winfrey not a success? Is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor not a success? Is the former United States Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, not a success?
Furthermore, Marissa has had the good fortune and ability to fall in love, get married and conceive a child, but she's not actually yet a mom. Does simply being pregnant while having an extraordinary career make you a greater success as a woman?
I have sincere respect for mothers (all mothers -- working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, etc.) and I always expected and wanted to be a mother myself. I support the challenges moms face having to or wanting to do things outside the context of motherhood. But when we say that success is only achieved when one does those things along with being a mother, we cast aside the women who are not mothers as if they are not eligible to be a "picture of success for the modern woman."
I wish Marissa all the best in all her endeavors, personal and professional. Success is relative to each person's potential. And I have a feeling she's only just begun.
The 4th Annual Auntie's Day(R) is Sunday, July 22, 2012
Melanie Notkin is the national bestselling author of Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids (Morrow/HarperCollins)
SavvyAuntie.com
Join the Auntourage on Facebook
Follow Melanie Notkin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/savvyauntie
Fran Lasker: To Have It All or Not Have It All
Interestingly, it's never, ever the men who lay these comments on women - it's women doing it to each other. I really thought we'd got past all that crap back in the 1970s with the Women's Movement, but apparently any good done by that movement got washed away. We're right back where we started, being our own worst enemies instead of supporting each other.
Parenthood is important, but if that was all we did we'd still be swinging about in trees.
Furthermore, plenty of women have gifts that are of benefit to humanity. One of the best brain surgeons in the world is a lady of Indian descent in Brittan. If you needed brain surgery I daresay you would be glad she completed med school and pioneered life saving techniques in the field.
I benefit from the work of Admiral Grace Hopper in the invention of the computer compiler every day as I use a compiler every day. I neither know nor care if she was a Mom. Her contributions to Computer Science were phenomenal.
Every policeman or soldier whose ever been shot at is very, very grateful that Stephanie Kwolek went into chemistry because her controversial theory was proven when she created the kevlar that their bulletproof vests are made of.
Polio used to cripple children on a regular basis. Sister Elizabeth Kenny didn't cure it, but she developed a physical therapy process to be used on sick children which kept their limbs operable and restored them to full mobility if they recovered. I don't think anyone said, "Well its nice that these millions of children can walk and all, but Ms Kenny shouldn't even be here! Shes wasting her life with this not-mothering!"
In a world where the bottom line is so important, you're going to lose out to a man who won't have that hurdle. I'm saying this in brutal honesty. Do I agree with the world we have? No. Unless the private sector grows a heart and starts caring about people, nothing will change. And considering the conservative white male CEO pool, I don't see it changing soon.
Surrogates only cost 20K. Successful women can outsource gestation.
So what is success in life, that is the real question.
How do you measure it? Money is the obvious for most at the expense of most all else in life. Why do marry? Why do we have children? What kind of people do you keep around you? Do you help other people? Are you compassionate to others less fortunate? Are you happy with your life? Do you feel content, loved and safe?
Women went out to gather every day. They walked great distances and carried heavy loads. They gathered food, firewood, and water. They had no fridges or ways to preserve food so every day they went out anew. Hunting was unreliable, but gathering always brought food in. So gathering was the cautious, sure and certain thing. The fallback that kept the family fed if the hunt failed.
While they gathered their hands were full, there were no strollers and the wilds were dangerous for young children because the predator that avoids the goat will take the kid. So their kids were safely back at the camp being watched by others.
Some of those others were men.
In studies of modern hunter gatherers new fathers were found to spend about 15 hours a week holding their infants while Mom was out gathering or doing other things. Furthermore, while the community would send out a hunting party every day, an individual man didn't go out every time necessary. In the camp watched one guy went out hunting every day, another man never hunted, and everyone else hunted a few times a week.
The guy who never hunted spent most of his time telling stories to the tribes's children.
When we achieve/live what we set out/intend to do, we feel "successful" - regardless of someone else's opinion of us.
I don't have any children, I don't want to have any children - and, I have never ever felt "unsuccessful" because of it. Never felt there was "something lacking" in me. Never felt "unfulfilled" because of it.
Never felt I was "missing out" on "something".
Never felt "sub-standard" because of my lack of intention and desire for children/parenthood.
However, I have mega admiration for those who do choose parenthood because I think that being a parent has to be one of THE toughest (and most thankless) roles someone can choose.
But "successful/unsuccessful" because of having/not having, children??
I don't think that's THUH QUESTION to ask yourselves.
Instead, ask yourself " do I GENUINELY, REALLY WANT to have children" ??
If your answer is YES, you'll have your children and feel "successful".
If your answer is NO, and you have children, then you'll probably always feel "unsuccessful".
Some people *should* outsource the raising. Let them do something they want and pay people who actually like kids to do the raising.