I sat in the theater biting my tongue. In the newly released film, "I Don't Know How She Does It" about the challenges of a working mother, Sarah Jessica Parker's character Kate Reddy describes her female, child-phobic junior associate, Momo, as a "robot" and went on (and on) throughout the movie pointing out how 'cold' yet dedicated and hardworking she is.
Why is it that the modern mom can love children and her career but the childless woman can only love her career? And are cliché characters like Momo -- played by actor Olivia Munn -- reflective of a common antagonism overburdened moms have for those without children? In America today, has feminism morphed into mommyism? More importantly, are we all losing something because of it?
I became an aunt a decade ago, and from the moment I heard that my sister-in-law was expecting, I experienced the deepest, unconditional love for a child-not-my-own. Now, as Auntie Melanie to many more, there is nothing I would not do for my nephew and nieces. While not a mother myself due to circumstance -- not choice -- I have, and have always had, strong maternal instincts for children. And as the founder of SavvyAuntie.com, the community designed for the nearly 50 percent of American women who are not mothers but love the children in their lives, I see evidence of thoughtful and selfless dedication to others' children every single day. A few in the tribe, what I've dubbed the "Savvy Auntourage," even go as far as to take over as "ParAunt" when the mother can't care for her children.
That's why instead of labeling women without kids as "childless," I prefer to say we're "childfull" because we choose to love the children in our lives.
Yet, even in our modern, politically correct society, the auntie -- when she is a woman without children of her own, is often made to seem cold, selfish, pathetic or "less than." Or, she's depicted as a high-flying, eccentric "Bon VivAunt" with little care for anyone or anything of true value. How can this woman, when everything she does for a child-not-her-own is a generous gift, ever be called selfish? How can this woman, who is every other woman in the United States, be an oddball?
Helen Gurley Brown asked similar questions about the single girl 50 years ago with her revolutionary 1962 book "Sex and the Single Girl." "Nobody was championing [single women]," Brown said in a 1967 interview. "Volumes had been written about this creature, but they all treated the single girl like a scarlet-fever victim, a misfit, and . . . you can't really categorize one-third of the female population [a figure that's only grown since then] as misfits."
What we need is a movement that celebrates the culturally, politically and financially influential force that is the childless woman. Unmarried or married, gay or straight, and childless by choice, by circumstance, by biology or because of her stage of life, we are the other half of American women. For some pretty lucky kids, we're also what I call PANKs: Professional Aunts No Kids.
There is something purely magical about the relationship between an aunt and the children in her life. But it's more than just that universal visceral feeling children get from being around Auntie, and it's certainly more important than the cool gifts we often shower on them. The magic we sprinkle on children is the exact kind that is critical to the children's cognitive, social and emotional development -- and their future academic success. Seemingly non-magical moments like reading to a niece, building a castle of blocks with a nephew, or even simply paying attention to a child are extraordinarily impactful. As Dr. Rosemarie Truglio, VP Research and Education, Sesame Workshop, explained to me: "Auntie time IS quality time." Time not dedicated to chores, homework and quotidian things like eating and brushing teeth -- things parents are obligated to ensure happens -- but rather the joy of uninterrupted play, is what is so crucial here. I've since dubbed this time 'QualAuntie Time.'
It's not just time with the children that make Auntie's role important. The PANK makes sacrifices, contributing to the family village indirectly by working later, on the weekend or on holidays (as depicted in the movie) so a co-worker mom can spend more time with her children. She may contribute part of her discretionary income toward a niece's or nephew's education, extra-curricular activities, even their first trip aboard. And while this woman may be highly valued within her immediate family and circle of friends, in the greater, national conversation about family, she is woefully underrepresented and under-appreciated. Sadly, she is often caricatured a stumbling, child-phobic "robot" that lacks any emotion or maternal instinct until the very moment she becomes a mother herself.
To draw a line between those with children and those without isn't constructive and certainly doesn't help the children.
Here's the truth about aunthood. Unlike parents, aunts have no legal obligations. Aunthood is a gift. It's a gift to the children who never suffer from too much love. It's a gift to today's overburdened parents who can always use more hands and hearts when it comes to their kids. And it's a gift to us because it is one of the wonderful things that fills our lives with joy, love and purpose.
We do love the children in our lives. And in one way or another, we all contribute to a mom's ability to do it all. Now isn't that an idea we can all warm up to?
Follow Melanie Notkin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/savvyauntie
Thank you for this. You make so many good points which I hope people will pay attention to. Being an aunt is not the same as being a parent. I still wish I had children, but I love being "Aunt Sue." I look forward to sharing this with my readers at http://www.childlessbymarriage.blogspot.com.
But they are also scared of single mothers who are happy. So they too are rarely represented in a positive light.
The general pattern is...women who happily choose to be without men are scary to some people and so they are vilified and ignored.
Agreed. Regardless of whether child-free women choose to find a way to have other people's children in their lives, labeling them as cold, unfeeling, or career-obsessed (after all, some mothers are career-obsessed as well, aren't they?) is unfair, and this battle between the child-free and parent communities inspired "The Child-Free vs. 'Breeder' War: Why Are We Fighting It?" Link: http://sylviadlucas.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-child-free-vs-breeder-war-why-are-we-fighting-it/
In the wise words of Depeche Mode, "People are people, so why should it be you and I should get along so awfully?"
- Sylvia, author of "No Children, No Guilt"
If you're happy with what you are and what you do, that's validation enough.
Stop whining. The world will never be in sync with you...or me...or anyone else.
My nephew, now 3, has completely changed my outlook on life itself. He owns my heart. I've gone from not understanding the desire to have kids to feeling completely empty if I don't see the boy at least once a week. And just like is described above, I am the fun-buddy, play-in-the-sandbox auntie who gets out the Lego blocks and chases him around the room until we fall down and giggle like fools. It's quite a tough job, but someone has to do be the auntie, and I'm the only one he has. Big responsibility, but I think I'm doing fine so far. And, oh, yes: my nephew was named after Dad.
Maybe I have too much Ron Swanson-like "I don't want to hear about people's personal lives" thinking, but I can't imagine asking someone a bunch of questions about why she doesn't have kids. I'm a father of three and I think being a parent is great. But I can't picture who would take those kinds of feelings and give a woman a bad time about not being a mom.
And I really don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who would do that either.
The real concern here should be that Melanie’s auntie group is attempting to get a social/political movement going. She says, " What we need is a movement that celebrates the culturally, politically and financially influential force that is the childless woman."
Does the world reaaly want such an influence.
There is no possible wаy to comment on someone's decision not to hаve children thаt isn't rude. Besides simply not wаnting children, which is perfectly fine, there could be а myriаd of circumstаnces thаt they might not wish to discuss with you. Perhаps they were аbused аs children. Do you reаlly think а cаsuаl аcquаintаnce is going to discuss this with you? A family member might be especially reluctant to talk about it, for obvious reasons! They'll just grit their teeth аnd endure your thoroughly inаppropriаte questions аnd remаrks, and make something up. Whаt if the womаn hаd cervicаl cаncer like I did? Thаt isn't the reаson I didn't hаve children, but you don't know thаt. Would you go up to а person in а wheelchаir аnd tell them they're missing out on wаlking? What if you didn't see the wheelchair, would that make it ok? If you routinely hаrаngue childfree women, the odds are high that you've delivered your "missing out" spiel to someone who really suffered while listening to it.
Now you know better, so pleаse stop doing it.
There is a certain level of turning children into objects in this whole line. Women who "love" children but do not "want" to actually have a child of their own but wants to be accepted and recognized. There is something very disengenious with this whole thing. These women "love" children but not enought to want to be pregnant, give birth, and actually be a mother but want mother's and others to acknowledge them ?
For a woman to impossed themselves on a family in order to fullfill thier need of loving a child is what this comes down to. It puts the sibling is a position of having to deal with family member they may not want to deal with, like, and/or want to have around their child. I suppose that when it comes down to it, if a women trully loves and wants to be around children they would have their own instead of believing it is their right to inject themselves into anothers family in order to satisy themselves.
Are you mental? Sounds like what you really resent is the love and affection your child shows to others...and maybe not to you. I can hardly blame them.
Of course, these same people have never actually cared for the children or been involved beyond the extent of attending birthday parties and holidays but for some, simply being in the family and also due to being female, they seem to believe they have a certain right. This has nothing to do with the affection of other but others exceeding boundries and failing to show proper respect.
As "anuties" inject themselves into the lives they take time away even if it is the case that the auntie is not wanted around by either parent and esp if the father does not want to relinquesh any time he has with the children due to his work schedule and other obligations. Too often fathers are reduced to having their time consumed with chores and work while the mothers trot off on their play dates and other activites which often time do not involve the fathers.
Extended family member sd respect boundrieds instead of trying to create a new role for themselves and moving the lines. If these women really love children and want to spend time with a child, have one.
If single auntihood becomes an accepted part of family life, to the extent this author is wanting it, then I can see young people being drawn towards that freedom and money, and away from the parents who have spent it all on the kids and have not so much ledt to give. One stipulation of single auntihood should be that the aunt doesn't spend a lot of money on their neices and nephews (on trips abroad, etc). Stating a trust fund might be a solution, but I think single aunties should stay away from any decision making and possible influence on the young person's future. Instead of the aunties picking her special 'children' to nurture and guide, she should just ensure that all are treated equally, and objectively.
I can't count the number of times I've been judged harshly for not wanting children. People seem to feel they can grill you for hours. I've actually had to point out their rudeness to them to stop the interrogation.
The worst thing, though is when those with children automatically expect me to pick up the slack for them at work when they need to take off for any reason, kid related or not. "YOU can work late on the project because YOU don't have kids!" And they have the damned nerve to be snotty about it! My time is my own, it's not just an open calendar waiting for harried mommies to fill up. I've had my schedule changed to horrible hours, even though I was trying to go to school while working full time, just to accommodate someone else's daycare schedule. One boss actually asked me to pick up his kids after school and sit them at HIS house until his wife got home at 8PM. He just assumed I had no life after work! I enjoy the company of children, and they love being around me for some reason, but at the end of the day I'm glad not to be trying to negotiate with a little person to get them to take a bath or put on their jammies.
It’s my prerogative.
"The best thing that could happen to the 'modern woman' would be if the feministas would stop trying to define 'the truth' about 'modern woman'" ... Especially when "the truth" is articulated by a woman with a degree / career / tolerance for Sarah Jessica Parker.
This "truth" goes: I am so self-fulfilled that I present my narcissism as a blanket statement on womanhood!
Now the fulfilled (even if charmingly self-depreciating!) woman makes a vapid statement:
1. It is possible to have a career and a baby with nothing more than a bump or a pump.
2. Women who invest in their careers invest in their children just as much. They may spend less time with them, but it's called 'quality time', so it's even better.
3. Women who 'have it all' have no nannies, daycare providers, personal assistants, or fawning scriptwriters.
Mothering is time-demanding, physically draining and emotionally exhausting. Being an aunt is not being a mother 'except for the fact that you can give the child back'. It's work, and it's hard, it's thankless and nameless, and it's not work you can do well if you're trying to make your name in professional work. It's nice to have a visit from auntie from time to time, but most of the time, it's just you. And you.