I never set people up because I don't want to be held responsible when one of them turns out to be a werewolf. So I was on Match.com -- no applause, please -- and I was leaving the site because my membership was up. I thought before I jumped ship I'd just respond to a few guys who'd messaged me. I wrote something to the effect of, "Hey I'm leaving this site but here's my number." Giving my number to strangers isn't something I ever do, it was just an impulse thing. I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? Live a little." Here is the rundown of exactly what happened:
ToyStory5 phone message #1: "Hi Melinda, it's Toy Story 5 from Match.com. Let's see if this is as good as it is on paper -- I'm sure it is."
(2 hours later.) ToyStory5 phone message #2:
"Hi Melinda, just calling you from my home number now -- not sure if you got the earlier message. I never know if people get my messages".
(Later that night)
ToyStory5 phone message #3: "Melinda, not sure if I called you yet to take you out. At any rate, I am now. This is my home number, call me."
Phone conversation that transpired when I called ToyStory5 back:
Melinda: "Hi, it's Melinda."
ToyStory5 "Melinda? Melinda who?"
Melinda: "Melinda from Match.com."
ToyStory5: "Oh. How'd you get this number?
Melinda: "You gave it to me. You left it in a message. A few messages, actually."
ToyStory5: "That's weird; I never give out this number."
Melinda: "Well, I don't know what to tell you. I heard it in a message left by you asking me to use it so I just went ahead used it. To call you."
ToyStory5: "Whoa. I'm just spaced out right now because I never give this number out and I don't know how you got it but I find it highly unusual. This is a very private number. There's no way I would give it to you so this is weird."
Melinda: "Ok, you know what? Let's just forget the whole thing. It was nice almost meeting you. Bye!"
I hung up and a few minutes later he texted me. This entire conversation takes place over text messages:
ToyStory5: "Is your ego that massive that I should remember your name because I called you once? Get a fucking clue, you did stand up on Craig Ferguson, that doesn't mean you are Craig Ferguson!"
Melinda: "Classy response, psycho."
ToyStory5: "I am not the one who called and couldn't handle not being known, I'm just calling you on your Hollywood bullshit ego. P.S. Class has zip to do with what we're addressing, consciousness does. You might be funny but you are not cool, and you are apparently hugely insecure. What a surprise for a STRIGGLING actress."
Melinda: "What a surprise that you're so angry. I'd be angry too if I spelled as many things wrong as you. You called me three times and gave me your numbers then acted dumbfounded when I returned your call. No wonder you're so angry. Girls like classy guys. Even 'striggling' girls have standards."
ToyStory5: "Yes I have my doctorate because I am STRUPID, couldn't be that I am typing on a cell phone. P.S. If you're going to wear sleeveless dresses do some arm work please. I guess the seven million dollar house I live in is because I am strupid. Look around your ratty 1 bedroom before you answer."
Melinda: "Unfortunately, all the money in the world can't fix the fact that you hate your mother and are taking it out on women you don't even know from the internet."
ToyStory5: "Yes, that's it, you act insane, I insult you and I am guilty. Yeah that makes sense in your crazy world. You have bat wings for arms."
Melinda: "If you hate my arms so much then why did you ask me out?"
ToyStory5: "Didn't see them until today on your website when I googled you. Gym, gym, gym. It's easy. Stop eating all the crap, talking all the shit and work out!"
Melinda: "I exercise multiple times per week. However, it's sad that no amount of exercise can help you with your sexual frustration."
ToyStory5: "If it would help your fascination with my dick, I am happy to send you a photo of it so you can see for yourself."
Melinda: "No thank you. I have no interest in the genitalia of illiterate misogynists. P.S. At least I have a website to have fat arms on!"
At this point I called my friend Laura and said, "Ok... so apparently I'm in a text war with a person I've never even met and I can't stop texting back. Um -- what is wrong with me?"
She said, "Great, write it all down."
So I did. Touché, Match.com, you've made a werewolf out of all of us.
Dysfunctional Date of the week by Mela Lee, lead singer of Magnolia Memoir (http://magnoliamemoir.com/): "A devout christian told me after a date 'You'd be everything I ever wanted in a girl if only you had more of a porn body.'"
To have your worst/ oddest/ most dysfunctional dates featured in this column just email or tweet them @melindahill with hashtag #DD, under 140 characters please.
Photo credit: Screen grabs of TJ Miller & Melinda Hill from the series Romantic Encounters: www.funnyordie.com/romanticencounters