3 Gifts I Hope My Husband Doesn't Get Me for Mother's Day

04/29/2013 02:23 pm ET | Updated Jun 29, 2013
  • Melissa Chapman Jewish mama madly in love with my husband, rescue dogs & kids! Find me blogging at &
Melissa Chapman

I get quite a few gift pitches, especially when a national Hallmark-sanctioned holiday is right around the corner, and Mother's Day is no exception. I guess because I write a blog about relationships, with the occasional story or two about my offspring thrown in for good measure, companies are sending me products they think wives like me would be thrilled to receive from our better halves. Now, I'm not sure who is writing the bulk of these pitches, but based on their sex slant, I'm going to go with men.

Listen, I'm as much of a team player as the next woman, and not only am I more than willing to roll over and take one for the team, but -- get this -- I LIKE sex too, i.e. I don't ALWAYS have to be coerced into having it. But, when it comes to getting gifts from my husband on Mother's Day, gifts which should illustrate what a wonderful life partner he thinks I am, how much he values my role in parenting and yes, giving BIRTH to his kids, there are a few gifts that don't even come close to intimating these things. Rather, these gifts feel more like gifts for him than gifts for me -- and really, what good is that? He gets his day in June on Father's Day (and at that time, if he really wants a riding crop, heck, I'll get him one!), but for Mother's Day, I'm giving a big thumbs-down to the riding crop and anything which implies that he subconsciously wants a sex slave/handmaiden/french maid/hausfraus...

1. A Fifty Shades of Grey goody box. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't need my husband to tie me up and whip my bare bottom to get amorous. And honestly, I'm not sure how this gift is even considered a gift and not a torture box. Oh, and my husband would probably use the enclosed tie and wrap it around my mouth so that I couldn't ask him to do stuff while he's watching the latest sports game.

2. A corset. I cannot stand any kind of shapewear, and after buying a pair of Spanx years ago, which simply seemed to redistribute my flesh rolls into weird places, I took them off and gave them to my dog to use for a chew toy. And why on Earth would I want to suffocate myself shimmying into a corset and how would that be pleasing and a way to celebrate my motherhood? Again, must have been a guy who designed that wonderful pitch.

3. Wine. Don't even try to get away with giving me a bottle of wine. Wine is great, alcohol is great, but really, is getting me liquored up and fuzzy and then tired and then cranky the next morning really how you want me to remember Mother's Day? Not to mention the fact that wine and kids are not the best mix. I know this is a special wine from a vineyard in France and it was VERY expensive. To which I say, OK, let's use that as your Father's Day present, now go and get me my real present.

So, what gifts are on your "Do not get that for Mother's Day" list?