Feeling sexy and being sexual has always been very important to me. I am the type of woman who embraces her sexuality and enjoys flirting, seduction and orgasm. Before I had children, flirting and foreplay was significant in my everyday life.
Yet, after three children, those flirtatious acts and spontaneity with sex have disappeared. They do pop up on the rare vacation when I get alone time with my husband or on a date night. Yet to feel that sexual tension with my husband now, as a mother, does takes work. I am working at being sexual more than ever... and it is a full-time job.
The work has become easier lately through resurgence in erotica books. The Fifty Shades book series and Lisa Rinna's The Big Fun Sexy Sex Book have made me realize that sex has to remain on the top of my list in order for me to have a successful marriage. The importance of touch and being affectionate is also important for our children to see.
Suddenly, it seems okay to talk about sex out loud. Everywhere I go, my friends are talking about it. So it seemed only natural to host a Mamaraazi event for Lisa Rinna's book party with K-Y and Martini. I have had so many conversations with friends about sex, and it is now even clearer to me that sex should be at the root of a strong marriage. Sex starts with confidence; If you are not feeling confident, you will not want to be sexual.
I had the pleasure of meeting sex expert, Dr. Ian Kerner, co-author of Rinna's book, who confirmed to me that many moms are in a sex rut. He explained that when so many couples go through ups and downs with the economy and job loss, our sexual appetite goes downhill, too. It made perfect sense -- if you are not feeling good about yourself then how can you have good sex?
Then of course there are the variables that we, as mothers, all know too well: the baby has been up all night crying or the kids are in the bedroom next door or "the list" of all the things to do that so many of us have running through our minds. These are all distractions that play into not being able to relax and enjoy sex. So how do we escape it all? Can we ever reclaim our pre-sexual life before motherhood?
As I sat next to Rinna with ears wide open, I began to understand how she got her sex groove back. She explained that when she lost her sex drive, it took her time to communicate this to her husband, Harry Hamlin. She continued on about the communication factor and how it saved her. She also entertained us with stories of pole dancing and all new exercise routines that took her out of her sex rut. Yet her bottom line was that it took work.
For me, as a mom turning 40 this year, I am putting sex at the top of my list and I am digging deeper into myself to find my inner Fifty Shades sex life, which I know my husband will also enjoy.
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"I have had so many conversations with friends about sex, and it is now even clearer to me that sex should be at the root of a strong marriage."
"She continued on about the communication factor and how it saved her. She also entertained us with stories of pole dancing and all new exercise routines that took her out of her sex rut. Yet her bottom line was that it took work."
Two comments.
First, this is a rare admission from a married woman confirming what I discovered the hard way: married women don't have much sex with their husbands. Shocking admission coming from a married woman. She did not even blame the husband for a lack of "good" sex.
Second, any man wanting to get married and endure this nonsense is a certified lunatic. Sex is not hard work or a full time job people! Only in America has it been stood on its head and become such lunacy.
it was not without reason that Thoreau declared that most men live lives of quiet desperation, and their bleak working lives were but part of the equation. Their bleak home lives constitutied the bulk of the remainder.
I'm going to forward it to all my male friends who are considering having children with their SO's with a note:
"Please read this article and note - there is a chance your SO will not be interested in sex with you after having kids. This situation may last a long time. Your SO will look at desiring you as work, something she needs to dig deep to find. Maybe she will find it, maybe she won't. Are you sure you want kids?"
Good luck out there.