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Melissa Sher
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Melissa Sher's writing has appeared here, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune and in bathroom stalls all over the country.

Entries by Melissa Sher

17 Types Of Toys I Want To Spring Clean Out Of My Home

(15) Comments | Posted April 13, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Am I the only parent out there who dreams of spring cleaning the messy, loud and annoying kid toys right out of my home? (And, yes, that includes most of them.) Sure, I'd probably regret it a few hours later, because my kids would have little left with which to...

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If Her Body Wasn't Stolen, I Don't Care How a Celebrity Got It 'Back'

(4) Comments | Posted March 20, 2015 | 5:55 PM

"Body back after baby!" screams the headline.

"How I got my body back!" screams another.

"My body is back!"

"Ahhhhhh!"

What does it even mean to get one's body "back"? Was it stolen? Did it run away like a lost cat? And did the celebrity on the cover...

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How Many of These TED Talks From the '80s Do You Remember?

(1) Comments | Posted March 12, 2015 | 12:20 PM

  • What a safety pin can say about friendship.
  • Why a Brazilian poet has nothing but praise for Mr. T.
  • The misunderstood science behind ALF's popularity.
  • This is what your brain on drugs really looks like.
  • Why latchkey children will one day rule the world.
  • Want to know why we...
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Let's Tell the Babies About Sleep Awareness Week

(1) Comments | Posted March 4, 2015 | 2:32 PM

It's Sleep Awareness Week. This is a week dedicated to promoting the importance of sleep. Sleep needs to be promoted? Not to me! I love to sleep! It's my favorite thing in the world and that's a world that includes pasteurized cookie dough. If I ever decided to get a...

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50 Things I've Learned in 10 Years as a Parent

(3) Comments | Posted January 20, 2015 | 9:19 AM

  1. I've learned that the best toys are seen but not heard.
  2. I've learned that a "friend with benefits" is a friend with a kid old enough to babysit.
  3. I've learned how frightening it is to have a 2-year-old walk up to you when you thought he was asleep in his...
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13 Lessons My Kids' Messy Moments Have Taught Me

(3) Comments | Posted January 8, 2015 | 11:00 PM

Here's what I have learned about being a parent. Babies and kids are messy. A newsflash it isn't -- but it is true. They're leaky and they're drippy. They're sticky and they're snotty. And if they didn't look so cute in hats, I am not even sure we would even...

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She Broke Me: The Internet's Letter of Resignation

(0) Comments | Posted November 17, 2014 | 5:00 PM

I am writing to inform you that I will be resigning from my job as the Internet, effective immediately.

I've greatly enjoyed my work for the last 45 years connecting IP networks around the world. (Did you know I've been in this position for almost half a century? I have!...

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Oh Sh*t, I'm So Tired (A Poem for New Mothers)

(24) Comments | Posted July 28, 2014 | 12:07 PM

The small hand on the clock points to the five.
The cities and the suburbs are quiet.
But me? I've been up for more than an hour.
Oh, isn't being a new mom a riot?

At four a.m. my newborn got hungry.
I had to feed him to silence his fit.
Now he snores with breast milk dotting his lips.
And I'm so tired I can hardly stand it.

Yes, I'm tired, exhausted and bitter.
Can't you tell I'm at the end of my wits?
My poor brain is fried and my body hurts.
Sleep deprivation is truly the pits.

Everybody says to sleep when he sleeps.
Folks who say it think that they are brilliant.
But I need to eat, to bathe, and to pee.
Sleeping is hard to do with an infant.

Six uninterrupted hours would be great.
But I'd take four if my babe would permit.
Because when you're a newborn's open bar,
When you rest, you only rest for a bit.

Every time I sit down to eat dinner,
Or try crossing laundry off of my list,
Whenever I hope to call back a friend,
My son will cry and those cries are legit.

Wait! I'll lie down and close my eyes right now,
Even if it is just for a minute.
I'll do what they say: I'll sleep when he sleeps!
Oh, never mind. He is awake now. Sh*t.

(Adapted from a post on Mammalingo. Melissa Sher no longer has a newborn at home and is happy to report that she's rediscovered sleeping.)

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What I Think My 3-Year-Old Wants to Be When He Grows Up

(1) Comments | Posted July 10, 2014 | 8:54 AM

A noodle twirler,

bug collector,

Frisbee hurler,

toy inspector,

finger snapper,

maze constructor,

gift unwrapper,

train conductor,

hula hooper,

snowball thrower,

ice cream scooper,

bubble blower,

flower picker,

hiccup stopper,

frosting licker,

balloon popper,

secret keeper,

costume sewer,

car horn beeper,

pizza thrower,

rainbow finder,

dump truck dumper,

yo-yo winder,

...
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Let's Cut the Crap and Kiss Goody Bags Goodbye

(50) Comments | Posted June 3, 2014 | 12:03 PM

Enough.

Enough with stale Tootsie Rolls and broken bird whistles.

Enough with half-opened Hershey's Kisses and misshapen Slinkys.

Enough with erasers that crumble and rubber ducks that emit fumes.

Enough with the plastic.

Enough with the small.

Enough with the cheap.

Enough with the...

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5 Gründe, warum Kleinkinder den härtesten Job der Welt haben

(0) Comments | Posted May 31, 2014 | 12:48 PM

Ich bemitleide Kleinkinder. Wirklich. Wenn ich eins sehe, denke ich nicht: "Oh, wie niedlich!" Ich denke: "Oh, du armes Ding." Denn im Leben eines Kleinkindes geht es nicht etwa nur um Spiel und Spaß. Natürlich kommt das auch vor. Aber es ist auch harte Arbeit. Das Kleinkind-Dasein könnte tatsächlich der...

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5 Reasons Being a Toddler is the World's Toughest Job

(5) Comments | Posted May 21, 2014 | 12:00 PM

I pity toddlers. I feel so sorry for those Pillsbury Doughboy look-alikes. I do. When I see one, I don't think, "Oh, how adorable." I think, "Oh, you poor dear." Because being a toddler is not all fun and games. I mean, yes, some of being a toddler is --...

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7 Dinge, mit denen Babys SOFORT aufhören müssen, wenn sie auf eine Elite-Uni sollen

(0) Comments | Posted April 29, 2014 | 3:47 PM

Rektor und Lehrer einer Grundschule in New York haben vor kurzem das jährliche Kinder-Theaterstück abgesagt. Sie fanden, dass sie die Zeit eher brauchen, um „die Kinder auf Studium und Beruf vorzubereiten."

Hier ist ein Auszug aus dem Brief, der am 25. April in der Washington Post erschien:

...

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7 Things Babies Should Give Up Right Now If They Want to Get Into Harvard

(11) Comments | Posted April 28, 2014 | 1:50 PM

The principal and teachers at a New York elementary school recently canceled their annual kindergarten show because they felt more time was needed for "preparing children for college and career."

Here's some of the actual letter sent to parents on April 25th that appeared in the Washington...

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Diese 11 Dinge sollten Sie nie zum Kinderarzt sagen!

(2) Comments | Posted April 26, 2014 | 12:05 PM

  1. Es tut mir sehr leid, Sie um zwei Uhr nachts zu stören, aber ich glaube, wir haben noch nie über Ihre Haltung zu Impfungen gesprochen.
  2. Ich hab das mal schnell auf meinem Handy gegoogelt und muss Ihnen entschieden widersprechen.
  3. Ihre Praxis ist für uns weiter weg als Ihre Wohnung. Könnten...
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17 Things Your Child's Pediatrician Doesn't Want to Hear From You

(26) Comments | Posted April 21, 2014 | 2:27 PM

1. I'm sorry to call at 2 a.m., but I don't think we've ever discussed your philosophy on vaccinations.

2. I did a quick Google search on my phone and have to strongly disagree.

3. It turns out that we actually live closer to your home than to your office....

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It's Hard to Live Your Best Life With 'Poop' Written on Your Car

(2) Comments | Posted April 15, 2014 | 1:24 PM

I want to start living my best life.

Oprah talks about Living Your Best Life and look at her! She's doing it! Is there anyone on the planet living a better life than Oprah? Nope. Except, maybe, Beyoncé. (It's a toss-up when it comes to whether Oprah or Beyoncé...

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About the Student Suspended for Shaving Her Head to Support Her Friend With Cancer

(2) Comments | Posted March 26, 2014 | 5:31 PM

Eleven-year-old Delaney Clements is fighting cancer. In 2010, she was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. Delaney, according to news reports, is very sick.

One in 300 boys and one in 333 girls under age 20 will develop cancer. But those numbers don't really matter in this particular story. What matters...

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Don't Ban Bossy. Embrace It.

(1) Comments | Posted March 11, 2014 | 4:59 PM

I love that LeanIn.org and the Girl Scouts have partnered to help empower girls and encourage them to lead. I love what they're doing. I just don't love how they've chosen to word their message. I don't like the decision to build the campaign around "ban bossy."

My number one...

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If Toddlers Answered the Proust Questionnaire...

(1) Comments | Posted March 6, 2014 | 1:46 PM

Vanity Fair runs its version of "The Proust Questionnaire" every month. By answering, participants often reveal a great deal about their true nature. Because I've wanted to better understand babies and toddlers for some time, I've asked a 1-year-old, 2-year-old and 3-year-old to answer questions from the survey.

ONE-YEAR-OLD

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