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Melissa Terzis

Melissa Terzis

Posted: March 15, 2011 12:19 PM

Kourtney and Kim Take New York: It's Not Me, It's You

I apologize for missing last week's recap. I watched the episode twice, and all I could get out of it was Kim's highly produced studio creation masquerading as a "song" and Scott adding a cane to his wardrobe. I tested out a few "Mr. Peanut" jokes on various audiences (okay, my dogs), and then lost my steam. There is so little substance to this show -- and to the Kardashians -- that it isn't even fun to attack it with sarcastic snark. I liken it to making fun of someone who you think has some wacky ideas, only to find out they are full blown Manson-style unstable with a side of bipolar manic-depressive schizophrenia. If such a thing exists. It's just not funny to call them "crazy" once you know there's a real problem.

This Sunday's episode was another poorly scripted, and even more poorly acted, attempt to keep their faces in our faces so we don't forget who they are. Try as I might, I will never forget. See, I live next to a grocery store, so if I'm cooking and don't have an onion or eggs, I just leave everything on the stove and run next door to the store. And in doing so, the tabloids stare at me when I'm in line. There are Kardashian faces and asses everywhere.

All shows Kardashian are like one of those 80s sitcoms where the storyline doesn't continue in the background week after week. Every week it's a new show with new dramas we've never seen evidence of before.

This time, Kim's a matchmaker and Scott's a slob.

I could barely watch the Kim-as-matchmaker "storyline." She thought some guy was gay because he dropped about a dozen brand names in their meeting. That's not gay, honey, that's advertising the brands that pay you -- remember? Running with her gay theme, she took him shopping, ripped her clothes off in front of him (man that's getting old) and tried to set him up with a guy, only to find out he wasn't gay. It wasn't funny. It wasn't groundbreaking. It wasn't informative. It wasn't cute. It wasn't heartwarming. It wasn't relatable. It was 15 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Scott leaves his clothes all over the place and Kourtney brings in her store manager to help her clean it up. This is exactly why I hated working for people running their own business. There is no limit to the shit you have to do for them. I worked for someone who would divert us from the office with instructions to convene at his mansion. We were then tasked with the great honor of moving his pool furniture. Into a truck. At the end of his long driveway. In the middle of the summer. Ugh. Hold on a second while I move that from my resume to my topics-for-therapy list.

Kourtney laments about Scott's inventory of pocket squares. Scott dons a three-piece suit and heads off to his shrink. He is absent the cane, however. See? Story lines don't carry from week to week here in Kardashian land. The interesting thing to note is that he does a pretty good job imitating monotone Rosey the Robot Kourtney. The shrink even uses the word monotone.

Then there's some disgusting incident where Scott leaves the toilet seat up and Kourtney falls in the toilet and gets pee on herself. Fighting ensues and Scott leaves. Kourtney calls Khloe to complain and Khloe says that happened to her too. Bitch please. You expect us to believe that ass fell inside a toilet bowl?

This show has only 3 more episodes before it's over, hopefully forever. Of course they are doing another spinoff with Khloe and Lamar, and there were rumors of one of the other sisters (Kendall?) getting her own show too, but I'm hitting the "ignore" button on any further Kardashian Krap. It's so dull it's coma-inducing.

Melissa blogs at Velvet in Dupont and can be found on Facebook.