"Kourtney and Kim Take New York" aired the next installment of scripted reality. Khloe comes to visit and just in time too, because we didn't have enough black eyeliner or fake lashes on set. Kim and Kourt think they are so cute by hiding behind a wall when Khloe arrives. One of them says, "We'll hear her walking!" I think they mean they'll hear her talking - like a baby. And she didn't disappoint. Goo goo ga ga, here she is! Then they all climb on her and go back to the hotel.
We learn that Kim has done a fashion shoot. She stripped, naturally, however, she says it's supposed to be very artsy and tasteful. Naturally. While Kim is describing the photographic vision, you can't help but feel you already know how this story is going to end. Spread eagle, she shows us how skyscrapers are going to cover her ass crack and vagina.
Khloe comes by with a life-sized blow up giraffe Lamar sent to her. Yeah. I don't know either. Moving right along.
The proofs arrive and the magazine allegedly didn't do what they promised. I have a hard time believing neither she nor her Momager considered this could be a possibility.
She cries to the other K sisters about how far she's come, only to end up back at this place. Sigh. You know Kim...it's not like you've been matriculating through med school since the sex tape scandal. You put this body on display and people just work with what you give them.
Scott looks at the pictures and I swear I saw a smirk on his face.
Khloe and Kourtney remained expressionless at her plight. I'm not sure if this is genetics or botox. Kim then does what all little girls do when their world caves in - she calls mommy. Before we visit what "no press is bad press" Momager said, let's get a frame of reference by comparing this to what my own mother would say:
"I'm watching Chris, can this wait?"
Thinking she's babysitting some kid named Chris, I say, "Chris who?"
"Chris Matthews."
"So you're on a first name basis now?" Oh. She already hung up.
Ok, so my mother wasn't the best example.
Momager Kris says the pictures are gorgeous. In the name of the all mighty dollar, nothing fazes that woman. She would put Kim's fallopian tubes on ebay if she were getting her Momager commission.
The K sisters take Kim out for some drinks to get her mind off this drama. Some guy at the bar asks Kim for a picture. She jumps on that faster than Suze Orman does someone with less than a million dollars in the "Can I Afford It" segment. The guy's girlfriend starts yelling at Kim. Scott steps in to defend the family meal ticket and it turns into the much-hyped brawl you may have seen on the commercial. Kourtney returns from the bathroom to find Scott mid-punch. Despite his innocence, she goes into psycho meltdown, with the flat affect dialed up to 10. We needed this for drama, otherwise all we would have would be the boring storyline of Kim's nudie pix that's been on loop for four years already.
Everyone gets home, Kourtney goes to her panic room/safe place, refusing to talk to anyone. The next day, Kourtney dresses like a tulip which makes it even harder to take her fakety fake anger remotely seriously.
Momager calls Kim back and says they can't stop the pictures from being published because they are already on newsstands. Uh, thanks mom? Kim says "I think I ate like Carl's Junior on the way there." Way to cross promote your brands Kim, but you're a big fat liar. All of this is happening in NY, and guess where Carls Jr is? Nowhere near NY.
With only a couple minutes to go, solving the Kartrashian drama is like playing "Name That Tune." I bet they solve this in 3 minutes. I think they can solve it in 2. I can solve that drama in 1 minute!" Kourtney forgives Scott. When Kim sees big glossy naked pictures of herself she gets misty-eyed, falls in love all over again and says to her moneymakers, "Please, let's never fight again!"
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Melissa blogs at Velvet in Dupont and can be found on Facebook.