THE BLOG
01/24/2011 02:43 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

So Many Kardashian Spin Offs, So Little Interest

I continue to be amazed at the fact that these bores have a television show. Several shows, in fact. There is yet another spinoff, Kourtney and Kim Take New York. The Amtrak crashed into the station and I cannot look away. In fact, I had to watch it twice because my husband and I could have sworn we heard the following statement from giant douchebag Scott:

"Kim saw me at the lowest point of my life in Miami. But I'm going to do everything I can to prove to her that I've changed so we can rekindle our relationship."

Needle. Off. The. Record. What? Kim? You know that's not the sister you're dating, right cardigan boy? Wow. Wonder if people are going to catch on to that. It's hard to know because the slow boring style of speaking from both Kim and Kourtney may have lulled many of you into a trance. Without Khloe's baby talk to distract us, we're all in danger.

Then Kim's friend arrived. Is it me or do all their friends look like them? Dripping in black hair dye, black eyeliner and black mascara. Oh. Wait. Not surprised that Kris Jenner is one of the Producers. Clearly she's had some words with wardrobe and makeup. "Make them all look like us!"

Then they showed the store. I was just in New York last week and popped in to see what the girls had been up to. When they said on the show that they hired a designer, my husband laughed so hard milk came out of his nose. Last week the store looked just like the empty shell they showed on TV -- except it had racks of ugly clothes, guys walking around with headsets and zero customers.

Anyway, the designer hung some drapes and took a wrecking ball to the door because when Kanye West showed up, his ego couldn't fit.

Kim and the gum. Kim please. Where is your stylist? Chewing gum like that reminds me of Jessica Simpson and we all saw what happened to her career. You should stop. K'thanks.

It's not a Kartrashian show unless we have drama. That comes in with some guy Kim once knew, now she doesn't, but she saw him, and her doppelganger friend got his number, so Kourtney dials his number from Kim's phone and Kim hangs up and ohmygod he like calls back and she sends him to voicemail. But not before Scott tried to role play the conversation with Kim and she gives up in disgust when he starts talking about her ass. He further reminds us how Klassy he is by saying, "I got into your sisters panties didn't I?" Yes. Keep reminding everyone that the only way you could get into the family was to leave your seed behind the fence. Then he makes some comment about his junk to Kourtney and we're all supposed to find this very titillating, I'm sure.

Kim learns from Kourtney that Scott is moving into their suite. Now Kim's NYC experience has become Miami Part Deux. This is exactly the reason Khloe kept screaming, "I left my husband. You made me leave my husband. I want to be with my husband. I miss my husband." (Did you get that she's married now? Yes! She has a husband!) Kim has date with the guy, talks baby talk to him and then chastely rebuffs his advance at a kiss. Come on Kim. We've seen you have sex, we know you can do better. She cries to Kourtney and Scott who console konsole her and then Kim slaps Kourtney's ass, manhandles her like Khloe usually does (insert Khloe-man-joke here) and it's over.

Coming attractions show us Kim is going to record a song and Scott is going to get into drunken brawls. It's the same formula for all other reality shows with talentless wonders. Dear God please help us all.


Melissa blogs at Velvet in Dupont and can be found on Facebook.